Love Runs Deeper Than Blood

I love you as is.

2012-02-06T10:35:00.012-05:00

When I started dating Nathan I knew the central truth that if I didn't love him exactly as he was right at that moment then I shouldn't marry him based on how I could change him. Of course time would change him in some ways but it wasn't going to be because I catered him to my desires. Well God blessed me with a man I did love as is and we later married.

I was reminded of this foundational piece of our marriage the other night as I was ranting and raving about how little progress I felt we were having with Jaydn. Sure there are some steps forward but not the ones I needed. In my fit of frustration I found myself revealing the true nature of my desire- change. I wanted Jaydn to change. It hurts to even see myself type that let alone admit it to all of you. But here I was saying that I wanted to seek healing for Jaydn and for her to be whole, but when it comes down to it the destination of the path I have been on was to change her. But that's not love.

Love doesn't come in the form of wanting to change the other person all the time- its meeting them where they are and staying there unless they decide to go elsewhere. Even their choice to move may not be in the direction you would want but a commitment to love that person means going with them there anyway.

What if Jaydn never stops chewing on her tongue? What if she never stops trying to manipulate people and situations? What if she never starts understanding the meaning of words and not just what they sound like? What if she always gets out of her bed in the middle of the night and wakes up her sister? Etc. Where will my love be then? Over and over again you hear about how love is a choice and this relationship is no different- I have to CHOOSE love regardless of whether anything changes.

As I was making this self discovery, I had a mental flash of the words I etched onto my living room wall that I adapted from the book Captivating by Staci Eldridge. It says, "May you find here the grace to be and the room to become." Like a dagger to my heart those words dredged up in me my deepest desire to love others as they are. That philosophy applies to strangers, friends and yes Bethany, even to your children.

Being grafted together

2012-01-10T16:13:00.005-05:00

To graft is defined as: to unite or join by insertion or by placing in close contact. Its a term I had heard used before and I knew the definition of but it wasn't until recently that the meaning actually connected to my reality. I have heard the term "grafted in" being used in reference to adoption more frequently than anywhere else. Even still, it wasn't until I read about the agricultural process in a book called, "A Place of Healing" by Joni Eareckson Tada that it resonated with me. Now I KNOW what grafting is and how it feels to be part of such a process.

Here is an excerpt from the book:

"Early Spring is grafting time. Uncle Don would select his trees, find just the right place on the bark, peel it away, and make a slanting cut into the heart of the wood. He would then take a small branch, whittle its end, then push the graft into the damp center of the tree, covering the union to keep it cool and moist. Later that spring, new life would emerge: blossoms to buds then buds to beautiful fruit. But it didn't happen without a wounding in both the tree and branch."

Similarly John Bunyan once wrote:

"Where there is grafting there is cutting, the scion must be let in with a wound; to stick it onto the outside or tie it on with a string would be of no use. Heart must be set to heart and back to back, or there will be no sap from root to branch, and this I say, must be done by a wound."

This adoption life is a wounding work. Daily I am wounded at the heart of my selfishness and desire for an easier path to the heart of my daughter. Whether I like it or not it has to be heart to heart and back to back despite so much doubt and fear, heartache and tears. It has definitely not been a smooth, easy-going process- and to this day, it isn't. Somehow, the result of all this cutting and wounding, grafting and healing will be fruit beyond what she or I could have ever produced on our own. For there is no saving work apart from pain and my ultimate desire is to see both branch and tree be fruitful. So may the grafting continue...

Exercising Gratitude

2011-11-23T15:33:00.002-05:00

I have been a little nostalgic about this holiday season as I remember where I was both physically and emotionally last year. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and its one of the American traditions that connects family and food for the purpose of being grateful for the blessings in your life.

In 2010 Nathan and I celebrated this day of thanks in a "mall" food court in the city of Kampala, Uganda. We were there as part of the process in adopting our youngest daughter. You might think we were away from family, but over the course of this past year I have learned a great deal about what "family" really means. Like Dr. Russell Moore says in his book Adopted For Life, "You are indeed designed to love 'your own flesh and blood,' but your design is redeemed in Christ to see as your flesh and blood those whom you previously didn't recognize as such." So looking back at it now, no we weren't celebrating Thanksgiving alone. We were definitely with family.

While we were in Uganda we made many friendships that I believe will last a lifetime. When we arrived there were two American families from the same adoption agency in country so we naturally grafted ourselves into spending time with them. But after they headed back to the U.S. we spent the majority of our time with a woman from Wales, U.K. also in Uganda adopting a girl from the same orphanage as our daughter was from. Her name is Natasha. If you read our journey while in country you have heard that name MANY times as we became quite dependent on each other as we all walked the crazy road of adoption in Uganda. She and her daughter became family. Sure we were only together for a few weeks but most days felt like years as we waited for each step in our process to be taken so we could all return home. The four and a half weeks we spent in Africa was probably the most vulnerable time of our lives as well. We were emotional wrecks so our new friends weren't getting the best of what Nathan and I had to offer. But they loved us anyway. They helped us to laugh and were there when we needed to cry. They helped us to see that even though we were far from home, family was very near indeed.

On Thanksgiving last year we invited Natasha and her daughter to celebrate life's blessings with us. We told them it was a day of feasting so when they got to our apartment they handed us a gift- a bag of microwave popcorn. It was so sweet I started to cry. Being that Thanksgiving isn't a British holiday, we showed them our American tradition by ordering a bunch of food at the mall food court and chowing down. We asked around the table what was one thing we were thankful for and we all shared our gratitude for God's gifts in our lives. Its safe to say we taught these Welsh ladies well.

This year I look back on those memories and my heart warms at the family we made while in Uganda. Not only were we finally united with our daughter but we got to have fellowship with my sister Natasha and my niece Lutaaya. I wish they could hop "over the pond" this year and sit at our table again as we feast and exercise gratitude again. I could never express how thankful I am for the way they carried me through our time in Uganda. They, along with so many prayers from our American family and friends, are what is on the forefront of my mind and heart today as I reflect on how blessed I am. Certainly it is well beyond what I deserve.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

A year ago today...

2011-11-10T14:13:00.012-05:00

A year ago today I woke up in an apartment in Uganda, Africa. I was hours away from meeting a little girl that I had only dreamed about since I was 16 years old. I had seen a few pictures of her prior to this day but I had not seen her in person, touched her hand, or kissed her cheek like I had desired to so many times before. I knew her name was Priscilla and that so many who had met her agreed that she "loved to be loved."

Nathan and I walked down a steep incline toward the green metal gates that enclosed the school she had been attending for just a few days prior to our arrival. Children ran toward us but my eyes darted from face to face amongst the crowd looking for HER. She was who I came to see. None of these deep brown eyes I looked into were hers so I kept searching the group. Then the school master told us the girl we were looking for was still inside. Why hadn't she rushed out like all the others? She did not realize that today would be different than any other day she had known before. I knew. My stomach was in flight at the realization that this was the moment I had been waiting for for so many years. The woman emerged from the concrete building with a child in hand that looked nothing like what I had expected. They had shaved her head recently and the scowl on her face mixed with the drab school clothes they had placed her in did nothing to highlight her specialness. But I knew deep down whom she belonged to and my heart burst just as my knees hit the ground to be at her eye level. They led this little being toward us and I cannot imagine what she was thinking or feeling: fear and confusion Im sure were among the list. Why was everyone paying attention to her all of a sudden? Why are these Mzugu's (white people) wanting to see me? She avoided eye contact at all costs as we desperately sought her gaze to affirm how loved she was. The school master introduced us to her as "mommy and daddy" and placed her hand in mine. A year ago today, we met our youngest daughter.

I was never a naive adoptive mom. I have always known that adoption wasn't an easy or always romantic road to travel on. But I also think I had a secret hope that our journey would be. I wished it would be instant and it wasn't. I hoped it would be easy and it's been hard. I prayed that all my kids would adjust well and they didn't. I dreamed it would be seamless and it hasn't been. I knew it could go either direction and while I would have preferred it going one way, it went the other. If I could rewrite the story and make it different, I would have. But I am not the author of this story. The Author knows more than I know. The Author has a bigger picture than I have. The Author has ways that are higher than my ways and thoughts that are higher than my thoughts. That's why I can trust Him.

This road we have been on for the past year has not been comfortable, safe or simple. But it has been redeeming, life-changing and full of so many teachable and learnable moments that make us better disciples of Jesus every single day. Those are the things we seek and find only along the narrow road.

A lot has happened in a year. Jaydn Priscilla still "loves to be loved" and still diverts her eyes from connections too deep for her comprehension or capability. But some things have changed. She has found her smile. I have found my anchor in Christ. She has a light in her eyes that she didn't have a year ago. I have a depth in my heart that I didn't have a year ago. She is home with her family. I am home with my family. Time is on our side as we grow...both of us.

Thank you God for my promised child. She is more amazing and beautiful than I could have ever imagined. She is more a gift to me than I am to her most days and she reminds me of your faithfulness and my need for You everyday. She teaches me the depth of what it means to have been an orphan myself until you adopted me into your family through Jesus. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving her and never leaving her. Help me to be a vessel for Your healing in her life. Thank you for appointing her to be a vessel for Your healing in my own. We are alive because of Your love. May we honor You with our every breath as we walk this road together year after year after year. Amen.

The journey begins-what I learned at ETC Part #4 (FINAL)

2011-10-25T14:43:00.014-04:00

Many assume the journey of adoption is over after the family arrives at the airport with their child in hand. In many ways though, it has only just begun. Parents of kids from "hard places" now have the responsibility to be the primary healing agents for their children. They have to be insightful, prepared, equipped, and committed not just until its better but for the long-term. Its utterly exhausting! So if you are considering adoption/fostering please do yourself a favor and "count the cost" first. Luke 14:28 reminds us, "But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough to finish it?" With the calling to parent children from hard places also comes the responsibility to know that you aren't "rescuing from" but have to be willing to "enter in." There is a difference. One has a foreseen start and finish while the other is murky and more about heading in the right direction rather than aiming for a particular destination. Like I said in my previous post, there is no "fixin' " here, we are to seek healing.

Families who travel the road of adoption and foster care should NOT bear their burdens alone. Parents need supportive and encouraging "travel companions" for the journey. A team approach is critically important in helping children learn, heal and grow. This includes: therapists and counselors; extended family and friends; Academic resources and Support; Medical providers etc. Therapists, counselors, medical professionals and educators help with logistics: speech, development, emotional issues, shots, education etc. Family and friends can offer respite care through meals, cleaning the house, caring for other children in the home when necessary etc. As parents though, you can't expect your support team to work harder than you do- you are your child's primary agent for healing. Parents should also be intentional and seek out the right kind of help. You need people around you to provide balance of hope and reality. All hope and no reality is romanticism and all reality and no hope is depressing. So you need to surround yourself with people that will help you maintain a balance of both. Look for people who will not just pat you on the back and encourage you but will "fight the good fight" along side of you and your family.

Sometimes parents/caregivers wait too long to seek help. This causes them to become more and more isolated especially as issues at home escalate. Also parents may take the route of thinking that all of the families problems/issues reside with this new child. Its not an "us" vs "them" story its a journey. We have to commit to being life long learners as well as being willing to "unlearn" some of what we already know to make room for new ideas and strategies. Be proactive: even before you need the help, put the help in place. If you are already home, remind yourself that it's never too late to point yourself in the right direction. Today is the first day of the rest of your journey so decide which way you want to go today.

Now here is where I plea with the global Church to step up and be a source of respite for adoptive and fostering families. First understand that adoption agencies and social workers are only there for the process of getting the child home. Churches, in contrast, need to be there for the families as they begin the real journey, after the airport. Churches often staff ministries such as missions where they organize, support and encourage people to get out and see the world and it's needs so they will be motivated to give and serve. Yet when a family in their church is adopting or fostering, the mindset of partnership is limited to "go get them!" and "good for you!" As a body of believers we need to seek ways to make the Church a safe place for families that are parenting children from hard places or we will be dismissing a huge chunk of the commission call of Jesus. Churches are the tool God has chosen to use to care for widows and orphans. Not just a few families in the church but THE CHURCH. As a whole we ought to be the Aaron and Hurs (Exodus 17:12) of adoptive and fostering parents so that when they can no longer hold their hands up and claim hopeful victory, we can do so for them!

Another great blog post addressing this topic can be found here!

Correction- what I learned at ETC Part 3

2011-10-12T14:17:00.003-04:00

One of the mindsets most parents approach information about parenting is, "I see a behavior that I don't like, now teach me how to 'fix' it." While this is not necessarily a good starting place for any relational parenting, it is especially toxic to parenting children from hard places. We need to not worry so much about "fixing" as much as seek ways to "heal." If you see the behavior of the child and your ultimate goal is to change it, you will miss the heart of the child. The goal must be trust, healing and connection through relationship.

Understand that misbehavior always has a purpose or a function. Besides we should not "punish" these children for something their brains are causing them to do- see previous post. Not all of the negative responses you see from children are of willful disobedience.

So the goal for parents should be to get to a place where you can see every opportunity to correct as an opportunity to connect. Seek a more "trust based relational intervention" plan.

The 3 checkpoints of successful correction should be:

1. Corrected behavior

2. Connected relationship

3. Contentment in caregiver AND child

CORRECTED:

When a flare up occurs we need to respond with positive words. This shows the child that their caregiver wants them to succeed and is willing to do the work WITH THEM to help them do so. Respond as your child leads b/c often the parents' emotions will guide the mood which typically causes more stress and in turn, more reaction. Don't be married to the path of getting there just the outcome.

Often times we react with "distancing strategies" like: timeouts, consequences, lectures and sermons etc. But when a parent approaches the child's behavior with a connecting discipline style they will ultimately bring the child closer vs sending them away. You want to pursue resolution and problem solving in effort to show them how families who value relationships handle conflict.

There are levels of intervention starting with a playful engagement: being silly about it and keeping it light. "No need to go after a gnat with an elephant gun," as they say. If that doesn't change things, give the child choices or try to come up with a compromise (IE: either you can walk into the house on your own or I can carry you into the house. Which would you prefer?) If things remain at a stand still then you can apply the 'think it over' time, or re-do options. This is where you have them reenact the exact same scenario until they come up with the correct response to the same request. I have used this on our kids a few times and it definitely helps them KNOW how it should have gone down rather than me just telling them.

You should also try to engage as many of the senses as possible when offering instruction (eye contact, hold hands, be at their level, speak in a loving tone etc). Shouting from the other room distances the impact and learning ability for the child.

CONNECTED:

When a child knows you are their partner in healing you can teach them anything. You can only heal relationship based trauma through relationship so it should be a priority to parents to find the source of the reaction, meet the need and reestablish the connection.

If a child starts business with you then they have to finish business with YOU. Sometimes parents defer to their spouse or another caregiver but b/c it is with you where the rupture occurred it is with you that the reconnection needs to happen. Both the parent and the child need to feel secure again before a correction can be complete.

Shame is an enemy to connection. When you guilt trip a child into changing their actions you can do major damage to their self esteem and your relationship to each other. You are no longer their advocate who loves and is mentoring them but a dominating warden. Your kids need to see the determination in you to call them into their preciousness. Never let their value be for grabs. One way you can achieve that is by focusing on the behavior and not direct your correction toward the child.

CONTENTMENT:

We should apply the "it's not over til' its over" mantra to changing behaviors. That means the issue needs to be resolved not just deferred. Much like the Bible says in Ephesians 4:26, "Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry." But its also important to add, "But when it's over, it's over!" That means let it go. Forgive each other. Walk away from the situation with nothing but love for each other. This is most often harder for parents than children. Don't hold this flare up against them again. You can represent God best when as parents you are an example of confession, saying I'm sorry, and of forgiveness, cleaning the slate.

With frequency, intensity and duration these correcting responses can be the path to your child's holistic healing and your relational strengthening. In sum: connected children learn their strategies from connected caregivers.

Lastly I want to remind those of us that are parenting children from hard places that these exhausting, troublesome and sometimes violent behavioral reactions are not personal. Say to yourself whenever necessary, "this is my child's history in action, NOT an attack on my parenting."

Enter In- what I learned at ETC part 2

2011-10-04T22:42:00.008-04:00

Sorry there is so much time and space in between these blog posts. As can be expected, life carries me through the days that turn into weeks and I try to remember the promise I made to you readers to finish my thought regarding all that I can pass along from the Empowered to Connect Conference. So last time I talked to you about the neurochemistry involved in parenting children from hard places. This post will build on that by helping us assess OUR role as the caretaker and having realistic expectations and pure motives for being such.

One of the staple verses for most adoption journeys, including ours, is James 1:27:

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."

One could read the orphan portion of that verse and see the heroic posture of those words and interpret it this way: God will pat you on the back if you bring a child into your home that is not born to you and you give them a family. In your mind you create this picture that it will be like an "Annie moment" and you will bring a child home and they will be grateful forever. But that was not AT ALL the message there. Somehow many of us, including myself, graze over the words, "in their distress." The call wasn't to go and get/rescue from their mess but instead an invitation to enter into their mess. The role of the caregiver is not to be a superhero but to be the loving presence in the life of a child that comes with a lot of baggage. And not as a bystander but as an active participant in their path to holistic health. We are commissioned to be the healing force for our children. That can only take place through a trust-based relationship.

As I mentioned in my last post, children raised in healthy environments learn "I have a voice within this family" early on. The belief that 'someone will respond to my needs,' builds a foundation for things like attachment, trust and self-worth. So as the caregivers for children who did NOT grow up in such healthy environments, we have to be willing to go back to the beginning and build a bridge to their true hearts by establishing their preciousness to us.

A good word picture they gave for this was how when an infant goes #2 in their diaper we typically respond in a loving way, with a gentle voice and demeanor and we make arrangements to change the diaper. The message this sends to a baby is that they are precious to us even when they are sitting in their own "stuff." A healthy adult wouldn't scream, get frustrated with or abuse the baby for doing what comes naturally at that stage of development. Caregivers need to maintain that same approach when correcting behaviors of children from hard places, no matter what the age. They are doing what comes naturally to them and even some of those aggressive or isolating behaviors have served them well in the past when their only goal was survival. Caregivers need to be committed to connecting first and foremost and then correcting for the sake of empowering them for healthier responses in the future.

The mindset is "investment parenting." Seek out ways to be fully present with children: not just 'there' but 'with.' One of God's names in the Scriptures is Emmanuel meaning, "God WITH us." Even God, in His relationship to us, paints the picture of importance in being fully present with your children. The example He sets of pursuing a persons heart despite behaviors and attitudes should likewise be the path we, as believing parents, set our feet upon as we travel the road of providing care for our children. There is no healing without "being with."

It is easy, and common, to enter into adoption believing that 'love will be enough' (just look at the title of this blog site). But as parents we can't concentrate on a particular destination/outcome as much as setting into place a direction you want to head as a family. For me the main thought I am praying my heart towards these days, in relation to Jaydn specifically, is that I will understand that God has called me on a journey to become completely 'hers', not to make her become completely 'mine.'

Foundations- what I learned at ETC part 1

2011-09-28T11:30:00.004-04:00

I learned so much at the Empowered to Connect conference last weekend that spans a wide range of topics and situations that apply to or take place when you are a parent of a "child from hard places." Honestly I never considered Jaydn under the "high risk" category until I learned what it scientifically meant. Basically, if I try to approach her needs with the same parenting style and technique as the other two children I have, I will have missed a great opportunity to bring hope and healing to some dark and damaged places in her heart. Actually, not just her heart! I was surprised to learn from Dr. Karyn Purvis that children are not provided the opportunity to develop the neurochemistry necessary for healthy relational/emotional/sensory styles if they have experienced a stressful pregnancy, difficult birth (NICU/premature), early hospitalization, abuse, neglect or trauma. Knowing what I know about Jaydn's history, although little, it is safe to assume that she is a child with high risk for some serious issues. For some families the effects are obvious and start right away while for other children, their limited abilities rear their ugly heads at the 5 major stages of brain development: Prenatal, first year, 8th year, 12th year and 16th year of life. While some kids show symptoms at age 5 that has more to do with what society expects of them (sit still in school for hours) than brain development processes. An Arthur Becker-Weidman study says that a child who has experienced early trauma may have the brain development of a child who is half or less as old.

So basically, if a child has a history of abuse, neglect or trauma, that child is less able to connect with people. But "recovery of function recapitulates the development of function." We take away the child's need for aggression and violence (survival skills) by meeting their needs and giving them a "voice." A study on babies in the 1960's, Infants in Institutions, revealed that if a child's cries are not met consistently in the first 30 days of life, that child will lose their "voice." The design in nature is for a child to whimper and a caregiver to respond. Those responses are saying, "yes" to the child. We say a thousand "yeses" to a little one in the first two years of life before we have to say our first no. These yeses are what build trust. They learn that when they have a need, they have a loving caregiver that will meet that need and they are not "alone." For a child that did not get all those "yeses", it takes months/years of intense therapeutic mentoring and support to bring them from a hard place to healing and trust.

When I talk about "attachment" that includes behaviors such as: trust, self-efficacy, self-worth, sensory competency, social/emotional competency, brain development and brain chemistry. The basics are not naturally "installed" in children from hard places so it becomes the privilege of the caregivers to help them recover their sense of connection through concentrated and purposeful bridge building to their true self.

Let me leave you with this bit of truth: there is no child that cannot heal when we intentionally remember what they missed and try to give it to them. Having an understanding of a child's early development will serve to help you bring them back on line b/c if a child's brain isn't mentored by a loving adult, they do not have the capacity developmentally to "act their age." You have the body, brain and beliefs to deal with when you are looking at their behaviors and those roots go all the way back to their beginning. The only options a child from hard places thinks they have are: Fight, Flight or Freeze. So as their parents we need to sustain a committed and invested interest in their progress toward holistic healing.

Like I have said before, I will have to break up what I learned from the conference into several blog posts that build on top of each other. This one serves as a foundational understanding of where parenting children from hard places begins. My next post will give more information on how to parent knowing that your child has a limited receptivity to things.

Empowered to Connect

2011-09-24T21:07:00.005-04:00

This weekend I took some time away from our family to attend a 2 day conference in Nashville, TN. It was sponsored by one of my favorite organizations SHOW HOPE and the main speaker was Dr. Karyn Purvis, author of THE CONNECTED CHILD.

CONFESSION ALERT: I had read that book prior to going to Uganda to be with Jaydn and to be honest, I thought it was too "touchy feely" for my personality type. Here is a little known fact about me: I am a cuddly person (hugs/kisses etc) but there are times I lack compassion (sympathy/grace). My poor husband sees this side of me the most. For example, if he has a headache I respond with rolling my eyes and suggesting he drink more water rather than offering to rub his temples or having him lay down and get some rest. So to read a book that was telling me I needed to approach my children with a more compassion-based parenting style, I quickly dismissed a lot of the principles. I didn't negate it completely but like some people do with the Bible, I picked out what I wanted and left the rest for those "other" types. So how did I go from feeling this way about a book and then attending a conference centered around the very author that made these uncomfortable suggestions?

My friend Mary Beth sent me the information about the conference and said she would be going and invited me to join her. I saw on the website that Dr. Purvis would be the main speaker but there were other names on the list and the mission statement drew me in: Equipping families, churches and professionals to bring hope and healing to adopted and foster children. Because I consider myself not only as an adoptive mom but as an orphan advocate, I felt assured I would walk away with something worth while. Plus I was excited about going on a road trip to one of my favorite places: Nashville. So I registered, made arrangements and attended the conference.

I was quite hesitant to open my mind in the beginning and obviously God knew that so He broke my heart. Within 10 minutes of being in the room and during the welcome speech of Dan and Terri Coley, I started to cry. Never before had I been in a room full of people who understood what I was experiencing in my home or people that at least were taking the time to learn about the experiences of adoptive/foster families for the sake of supporting those groups in their church. The floodgate opened and I didn't feel alone, isolated or as if something was wrong with me for the first time in 10 months. I was surrounded by family.

From the first welcome to the last goodbye, each day and session were jam packed with resources, encouragement, challenges, wisdom, tools, testimonies, scientific data, video clips etc. that will make me a better mother if I let them. It all gave me a renewed sense of purpose, not just in Jaydn's life but in the complete outlook and goals set for our home. I feel both completely overwhelmed and completely inspired about what can take place on the road ahead of me as I implement these holistic strategies and relationship building techniques of connecting to the heart of my 3 children.

I will have more posts about specific things I learned in the future but I had to get out there that this conference will be put on again so if you can get to one of them, GO! You can find information about that on the Empowered to Connect website linked here.

Would the real Jaydn please stand up?

2011-09-13T16:36:00.006-04:00

I feel like I am starting to pin point why there are so many hurdles in this race towards attachment. It isn't that Jaydn won't let me love her and it is most certainly not that I don't love her. The issue that has surfaced over time is that she is adaptable. Too adaptable. She conforms to her environment and has no sense of self. It isn't her fault, its just another defense mechanism that protected her the first two years of institutional life. But the poor girl is a chameleon. That is why she would be perfectly content to walk off with a stranger and never see us again b/c she would just change what was "required" and survive there too.

This characteristic poses a daunting task to me as a mother. It is my job to help my kids figure out who they are, what they like and what they want to become. Its clear Jaxon is a people pleasing, tender hearted, brilliant and self confident little boy. Its clear Jovie is a strong willed, independent, charmer with a love for all things beautiful. Its clear Jaydn is.... she is....um...whatever people want her to be. My heart breaks that even she doesn't know what she wants or who she is and be confident enough to go and be it! How do I teach her this habit of "doing" is less important than "being"? I want to know and see who SHE is and comfort and nurture her from that place. But when a child grows up more like a parrot copying behavior, actions or words for the sake of attention (good or bad), it is difficult to know how to parent them in the most effective way. What "works" one day won't the next b/c she has simply adjusted herself to the situation rather than chosen what is right and wrong.

Im not sure I am articulating all of this very well so let me just leave you a word picture for how it feels: Its as if I am playing a game of "pin your heart on Jaydn" and after being spun around 20 times and after the blindfold has been removed I look around only to be told that I am supposed to pin my heart on a vapor, an ever changing, ever moving mirage. Its an impossible task, or at least that is how it feels right now. But I am trying and hoping and praying. The only thing that brings me comfort in this crazy "pin my heart" game is the knowledge that God knows Jaydn. He knows her heart, desires, dreams and personality better than I ever will. Maybe I will get glimpses over time and I pray I do, because I can't wait for the real Jaydn to be revealed to the rest of us too.

Part 2- A love for Uganda

2011-08-26T13:43:00.001-04:00

Flatter me again and read PART 2 of my mom's story please!?

Mom's love for Uganda- part 1

2011-08-23T15:09:00.002-04:00

I know this blog is about adoption and Jaydn's progress but I wanted to invite you into another story relating to our family. Its about my mother. Read more HERE!!

This time last year

2011-08-13T17:02:00.010-04:00

This time last year I was sad, lacking hope, worn out from the wait and my heart was breaking (as shown by the picture to the left). Why? Because on the other side of the world my daughter was turning 2 and I wasn't with her. She didn't even know I existed and there I was wishing desperately to be with her even if only for that day. I knew I couldn't just sit and cry as her birthday came and went so I gathered my friends and family and threw a party even though she wasn't home. It was amazing how my "tribe" surrounded me on that day with such hope toward the future and reminders that HE WHO PROMISED IS FAITHFUL!!

A few months later we moved from that familiar place into the unknowns. It was then when we got "THE call". The day had come, we were going to meet our daughter finally! You know the rest, or if you don't...read the blog archives from August 2010 on :)

But today we set up the balloons, prepared the food, iced the cupcakes, and set out plates and napkins just like before except the guest of honor was in our midst. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that she was with us this time and though I cried again today, it was from joy and not sadness. I looked around at the "tribe" God had placed around us this year, every single one a new face but just as encouraging and loving of our sweet little girl. We even had family in from Texas, Kentucky and my best friend drove up from Alabama. It was a truly memorable day.

The theme? Balloons. To some that may not mean anything since balloons are a birthday staple. But to me it was a symbol of how far she had come. You see, the day she came home and we were greeted at the airport, she was given a balloon. In reaction to it she screamed, cried and tried to run away from that floating colored thing. But as time has gone on, and she has been exposed to much more, she has learned that not only are balloons safe but they are fun. So the balloons were symbolic of how far she has come in so many areas and a reminder that someday Jaydn will see her forever family as not only safe but fun too.

She was quite the ham today and willing to take the 3,000 pictures I made her pose for. She enjoyed pulling the tissue paper out of all the gift bags but I would have to make her remove the actual gift from the boxes since it was a new concept to her. She loved getting to blow out a real candle (instead of the ones from Jovies wooden play cake set) while everyone sang happy birthday to HER! She devoured her cupcake and was glowing from all the attention and laps she got to sit on all day.

She is quite deserving of such a lavish love that

was being poured over her today. She continues to be a joy despite the hang ups of my limitations as a mom. I look at her and I am so in awe that she is indeed my "promised child" since I was 16 years old. Like 1 Samuel 1:27 says, "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." I am blessed not despite but within the difficulties of this post adoption road and its days like today that remind me that I am in a better place than I was this time last year.

Small victories

2011-08-01T15:14:00.005-04:00

I know I have said this before but Jaydn really is amazing. She wants to learn things and is like a sponge when you are able to teach her something new. Some times she will even teach herself based on observation if you don't train her quick enough! Like the other day I caught her riding Jovie's bike in the garage. We just bought that bike in March and since we have moved to a very hilly area, we haven't been riding much so she took it upon herself to figure it out! Impressive.

The signs to me that Jaydn is making progress in adapting mean so much. I find myself clinging to them as promises of hope for the future and signs that I am not a complete failure. Like the other day we were at the speech therapists office and Jaydn became really cuddly. She sat in my lap until the therapist came out and then she tucked into me even further as if to say she didn't want to go with her. When Jovie and Jaxon do that I quickly remind them that I will be there when they get done while moving them to go with her. But with Jaydn I wanted to just hold her b/c it is so rare she prefers me to someone else. She likes her therapist and will easily go to her if prompted but the fact that she preferred to stay with me was like a victory point in the area of our bonding.

Don't get me wrong, we still have times when she clings to other adults. Like when we went to the water park and a lifeguard came up to talk to her, for the rest of the time we were in there I was peeling her hand from the lifeguards' and asking her to go play or have mommy help her instead. Its so awkward to do but necessary to teach her that all adults are not created equal.

This summer has been a lot of fun amidst all the craziness of moving houses and all that life requires of us. Jaydn has been doing swim lessons the past few weeks and has no fear of the water anymore (she was terrified in Uganda) so she is enjoying those. The kids are bonding more and more everyday and I look forward to more one on one time with Jaydn after Jax and Jo start school in the next few weeks.

Lastly, Jaydn has a big day coming up: SHE TURNS 3 on AUGUST 14th! This will be her first birthday party and I can't help but look forward to celebrating her life and all the attention being on her for a day!

We are blessed and carried by the prayers of all of you-thank you!

Orphan Sunday is November 6th

2011-07-28T16:22:00.000-04:00

Orphan Sunday from DTJ on Vimeo.

Institutionalized children

2011-07-20T16:16:00.003-04:00

My friend NATASHA wrote a blog post that spoke volumes to some of the bizarre challenges she has experienced as she raises an institutionalized child. We have some of the same issues so I thought you might gain some insight by sharing it with you:

1. Children from institutions can find it difficult to feel hot or cold! If no one is there in your younger years to tell you what the feelings are or telling you move out of the sun because you’re hot, or to wrap up warm when you’re colder, how would you know? Bizarre, but we struggle with this one a lot! Lutaaya is NEVER cold! Or so she seems to think!

2. Children from institutions struggle with emotions. Again linked to the one above. Our emotions/feelings are learned. If no one explains them or distinguishes between them, you get confused and they get muddled together. So when you feel excited it may make you misbehave, because you simply cannot pop a lid on that emotion and it becomes too much to deal with.

3. Children from institutions find it difficult to make decisions. In any setting and for any decision. These children have never had an option to choose anything. They have lost control of their life at a very young age and most would have had every decision made for them in an institution. Believe me, this one takes time and patience, and the ability to limit decisions in every day life.

4. Children who have been in an institution for a long time learn the art of manipulation. This sounds harsh but is so true. They go to the people who will give them what they’re looking for, regardless of who that person is. They are good at bluffing. If I act childish you’ll treat me younger. If I smile and act sweet, you may give me a gift. Fight or flight I guess?

5. Children from institutions don’t believe in themselves and their abilities. They have never received praise, they can’t cope with their emotions. So if they get praised for a piece of work they are very likely to simply sit and destroy it. It can be a tricky thing not to then give them the reaction they want, as it’s only the negative feedback they are used too.

All in all, children from institutions see the world in a very different way. And why wouldn’t they? Where they’ve been is not nice, it’s not fun and it’s not a home! I’ve listed only 5 points but there are many more! Every day is a learning experience when you see it through your child’s eyes. Every day we learn new ways to deal with the hundreds of things written about in adoption books, and those that we experience in our family but we live in hope. Things are changing and a previous institutionalised child will thrive in a family. They will start to overcome the hurdles they face. They will, in time, adapt and realise that this is different to what they know and that it is better.

The moral of the story has to be:

Let’s get children out from institutions and into families!!!!

There is a first time for everything

2011-07-05T15:03:00.004-04:00

The best part of our daily routine lately is remembering how many "firsts" there are with Jaydn. She never left the walls of her orphanage so its all new to her. In Uganda she had her firsts with a lot of foods, swimming in a pool, going to the mall, riding in a car etc. This week she saw her first movie in a theater (Cars 2) and watched her first 4th of July fireworks. Next month she will celebrate her first birthday party even though she is turning three years old! Everything is new and different for her which breathes a new life into them for me too.

There are a lot of firsts in the areas of understanding, development and speaking too! Its like watching a baby sit up, crawl and then walk right before your very eyes. She has amazed me with her ability and willingness to learn and adapt to her new life. She is a sponge wanting to try it all and learn how to do it all in an instant. Some firsts have gone well and easily while others prove to be more difficult and need more foundational pieces in place before we can do it again but she keeps trying and ultimately has shown us that she trusts us no matter what. Perhaps that is a first for her too.

Jaydn's first words

2011-06-18T08:01:00.002-04:00

I don't know anything about Jaydn's biological father. The only information we have about her first 5 months of life (aka pre-orphanage) involve her biological mom alone. I don't know if her bio father was a presence or a stranger and I don't think Jaydn will ever remember either. That is just one of the mysteries we have to learn to live with the tension of when you adopt a child. There are just some questions that will never be answered.

But as Father's Day approaches, my attention doesn't turn in the direction of Jaydn's biological father but to the Father to the Fatherless. He has been providing for her needs long before she could ever know she needed it. As far as she knew there was no male role model in her life. No one was there to show her respect and authority in a loving manner. She didn't have a male presence that represented honor and strength combined with tenderness and support. But behind the scenes of her precious little life God was grooming a man to fill that void in her future world. He knew that eventually she would need a hand to hold and a lap to crawl into that represented all God was to her. So for years, even before she was born, God began growing a love for Jaydn in the heart of a small town Kentucky boy that would one day have the courage to get on a plane and change both of their lives forever.

The grimace on Jaydn's face when we saw her for the first time was so harsh. Her eyes avoided contact while her hand reached out for a comforting touch. "Who were these Mzungu's (white people) and why were they here to see me?" she must have thought. It was clear the idea of us being her parents was far from her comprehension or desire in that moment. As the day continued on, she would let us hold her but any facial expression other than that original of complete anger, was not being shown to us. We shared a meal with the mamas and other children and talked for hours but then it was nap time. I use that term loosely b/c my version of nap time is much stricter than the orphanages version was. Basically it was just time for the kids to stay in the building for a while. Something in Nathan "clicked" during that section of time and he sought Jaydn out. He went into her room and to the side of her bed and started tickling her. After a few times, the sweetest sound I had ever heard came to kiss my ears... laughter.

Our daughter was laughing!!! Nathan, being the comedian that he is, made silly faces and played peek a boo and did everything he could to keep this once angry, eye contact avoiding little girl laughing! Soon the whole room was erupting in playful noises and chuckles-it was such a joyful scene to observe from the lens of my video camera. But then...it happened. Nathan ducked

out of the room and hid from Jaydn's sight and she called out for him, "DADDY??!" The tears poured from my eyes as I witnessed my daughter identifying the man in front of her, making her laugh as the man that would provide for her, lead her and comfort her in the days ahead. Nathan came around the corner, "Did you hear that!? She called me Daddy!!" I couldn't speak I was in such awe of the moment. It was as if God's strategic intersecting of her need for a Father and Nathan's desire to represent the Gospel message to the world could finally be heard through those 5 little letters D-A-D-D-Y. My daughter's first word to us was "daddy." Nathan represented everything that term of endearment was meant to imply and she knew it!

So I don't know anything about Jaydn's biological father but I know a lot about her heavenly one and even more about her earthly one in Nathan. God handpicked Nathan to be Jaydn's daddy. I know that she couldn't have had a better man appointed to teach her leadership through sacrifice and obedience through love. This Father's Day we celebrate the remarkable example God gives us of unconditional love as our own personal Abba and also Jaydn's first year of knowing, through tangible experience, how loved she has always been by her Daddy's.

Happy Father's Day!

Worth it

2011-06-11T02:41:00.003-04:00

Its funny how you think the paperwork, procedures and hoops you have to jump through will come to an end once your child is home. Boy was I wrong!! Its been nothing but running around, fees, appointments, assessments, court hearings, meetings, paperwork, waiting, etc since we came home in mid December. This time I had to do it all in a new town, with a bunch of professional strangers and with three kids in tow! Every time I think the end is nearing another step in the path is brought to light. I am hopeful though that after 6.5 months we might actually be close to the end (as far as paperwork is concerned.) A few weeks ago I received Jaydn's US passport and just a few days ago she got her own social security number! Today we completed our post placement sessions with our social worker too. Next on the list is that we have to apply for U.S. citizenship, notify all of the medical agencies of her new name (finally Dr's will stop referring to us as the Birungi family) and social security # and start full on speech therapy.

Jaydn continues to impress me with her rapid growth and attempts at simulating into a family home environment. You can tell she wants to learn and so far she had taken in all of ours and professionals' teaching with open hands and heart. Of course she still has her areas of improvement, don't we all, but she is eager and I feel like time is on her side. I look forward to the fall when Jaxon and Jovie are in school part of the day so I can tend to her individual needs more than I am able to right now. She and I had a date (lunch and errand running) a few days ago and I was so in awe of how amazing she is. I overlook that most of the time when I am focused on meeting the many other needs of my family. Tonight, after I had been working all day, I caught up with my crew at a place similar to Chuck E Cheese called Pizza Playtime. When I snuck up behind her and swooped her up in my arms without her seeing who it was. Once she caught a view of my face she lit up and squealed "MOMMY!!!" while throwing her arms around my neck and hugging me very tightly. It blessed me so very much to be reminded that despite my shortcomings, she knows I love and adore her.

Please continue to pray for us as we juggle the schedule and costs of summer, therapy sessions, work days, appointments, school drop offs/pick ups, fees etc. She, and her "excited to see mommy" hugs are so worth the pain and problems of the path.

Secrets have power

2011-06-06T20:33:00.004-04:00

I cannot even begin to tell you the healing that has come since I started writing about my experience with PADS (Post Adoption Depression Syndrome). I was on the up and up as I typed out my confessions about having it but everyday since the load has become lighter and an end becomes clearer. I attribute that in part to the amount of people who have come out of the wood work to share their stories and confess, some for the first time, that they have or have had it too. People are linking to my posts about it as a resource to friends and family members and the response has been overwhelming. I am surprised to learn that God is using this as yet another platform for Him to get glory in my life (should have seen that coming eh?). I have always pictured my impact for ministry to come from my strengths (teaching, authenticity, integrity etc) but this time around God is reveling in my weakness and inability because its the perfect groundwork for HIS strengths (redemption, hope, freedom, love etc) to be on display.

As I turn the pages of the book Post Adoption Blues, I am comforted by the fact that I am not alone. I am not the only one who thought those things, felt that way, questioned it all. Apparently enough people have been there and done that that they had to write a book about it to help others! As the comments, emails and FB messages come in from people I have never met or known my whole life about their own link to PADS I am again, comforted to know I am not alone. So if you are reading this and what you have read about in my blog resonates with you, know this YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

The other thing I attribute this ever lightening load to is the power of secrets. Secrets have power. Did you know that? When you are carrying something, dealing with something, hiding something and you are the only one that knows it, you are under your secrets power. It controls you. It blocks things and people from getting in and blocks you and your feelings from getting out. You are locked in and everyone else is locked out. You are playing a part and the crowd is letting you perform because they don't realize its all a facade. You know what also happens when you are under the power and control of a secret? Satan has a field day with you. He accuses you and pours on the shame and guilt. He buries you in your failures and makes you think there is no way out. But there is. I promise you...there is. One of the ways out is by telling your secret. Maybe not all of you are at the point where you can or want to blog about your secret but start by telling someone: your spouse, your best friend, your pastor. Find someone you trust and who knows you and loves you and tell them. I promise you the load will lighten almost instantly. As the days come and go you will hear Satan less and less and Gods redeeming love more and more- through your friend, through the Holy Spirit that was given a window by the telling of your secret, from any direction God decides to use to get across the message that you are not hopeless and that He is still on your side, fighting for you. Don't let your secret battle have so much power over you. Thats why scripture talks over and over again about confession coming before freedom. You have to release the burden to receive the blessing.

Since my "confession" of sorts, the burden has become lighter and the secret didn't have the chance to get its teeth sunk into my life enough to destroy me. Thankful that God gave me this platform even while it hurts.

Expectations

2011-05-31T16:01:00.003-04:00

I think the biggest cause for a lot of the difficulties and blessings of our adoption journey has been due to expectations. Some expectations are not only met but exceeded which leads a person to gratitude and joy. But other expectations go unmet or unacknowledged and that is what leads to sadness and even depression at times. However, unmet expectations aren't always bad. Sometimes they just teach us what we really wanted, perhaps for the first time ever. If we give ourselves permission and admit what our expectations are, whether we were vocal about them or aware of them before, that alone can bring tremendous amounts of healing and learning despite the outcome. Some of my personal expectations weren't even known to me at the time they were "made" but at the loss of them, I soon realized that I had hopes for something different. As I try to dissect and an analyze the triggers for my case of PADS, I am learning a lot about my expectations of how I thought things would go.

I thought I would bring Jaydn home before she turned 2 (last August). I thought I would bring her to the U.S. to a home, church family, and town that I knew well and knew would be encouraging and supportive. I thought I would have plenty of family and friends around to help when the attachment issues got hard and Jaxon and Jovie needed a break from the daily life of a newly adoptive family. I thought I had built enough of a basis in my relationships with Jaxon and Jovie to be able to take on another toddler in our home. I thought Jaydn would fit into 3T clothing. I thought the girls would eventually get used to sharing a room and sleep for all of us would come sooner rather than later. I thought I would be in love with Jaydn in an instant and I would just "click" into mom mode. I thought Nathan would be able to handle more of this adoption stress than he has been able to. I thought the paperwork, hoops to jump through and legal processing was over once Jaydn got home. And the list goes on...

Basically I have come to see that the expectations I had, whether known at the time or not, have sent my soul into a place I had no idea it had the potential to head. But there are expectations that have surprised me as well. These are the things that have kept my head above the water, despite life's attempts to drown me. Even some of these were expectations I didn't know I had.

I thought Jaydn would hate me at first and that it would take time for her to open up to me. I thought I would be alone once I got to Little Rock. I thought I was at the end of my rope about a month ago. I thought I would never live near my mom and stepdad again. I thought Jaydn would feel "different" as a black child in a white family. I thought home was a place and not the relationships we build with people we love. I thought Jaydn would always scream when Bailey (our dog) came near her. I thought Jaydn would never let me put her down and go play. And the list goes on...

So many of these expectations were shattered by being met and exceeded with positive outcomes. These are the reminders to me that I will be ok and that time is on my side.

I can't help but wonder what expectation Jaydn has. I hope, through her time with her family, that her expectations will be positive ones. I pray that she expects to be treated with respect and equality everywhere that she is. I hope she expects to find love and support in the arms of Nathan and I and companionship in the arms of her siblings. I pray she expects to be seen as an integral part of the whole. I hope she expects honesty and authenticity in all of her relationships. I hope she expects us to be human and to fall short of her expectations at times. I pray she expects to respond to those shortcomings with grace and forgiveness. I expect I will need that from her from time to time.

Adoption Depression- Part 3

2011-05-24T20:25:00.003-04:00

For a lot of you this information about PADS is all new. For others, you've heard of it but haven't experienced it. Others have or have had PADS but haven't told anyone. So why am I writing about all of this on a blog? Why am I exposing my personal dark secrets regarding PADS? Honestly, its because thats who I am. I am a transparent person. This trait has both enriched and complicated my life (especially as a pastors wife) but ultimately I see my story as a chapter in GODS story so it must be told.

Amongst the adoption community there is an unspoken fear of sharing such realities or experiences b/c we would NEVER want to discourage or scare another family from adopting. Im trusting thats not going to be the case with my posts. I hope that if I were to write about how hard it is to parent Jovie b/c she is a stubborn, disobedient brat that people would not so easily give up on their desire to have girls simply b/c Bethany said it might be hard. As adults we should know that sacrifices cost something and you never know what that price tag may be. So you just decide if its worth it and in my case Jaydn, and most of the time Jovie, are!

I just finished a few books (not about adoption) that gave me some much needed pick me up material and now I am going to crack open a text I was given called, "The Post-Adoption Blues: overcoming the unforeseen challenges of adoption." I will be sure to share what I learn from that in the coming weeks as I seek to find ways and resources to continue my path out of this sensitive place. But I have come to see this season as a gift entrusted to me. PADS is a very different and unfamiliar path but its leading me towards learning more about God's faithfulness and sovereignty and so I welcome it.

Adoption Depression- Part 2

2011-05-23T14:32:00.003-04:00

Ok so now you know what it is, or at least that it exists based on my last post. But what does PADS have to do with us? Do I have it?

I am sure you can understand that the fact we moved across country just days before finding out we would we would be traveling to Africa to get Jaydn would be a little jarring. We enrolled Jaxon in a new school, Jovie and he would be in a new house and attending a new church, they knew no one and we were about to leave them here for an undetermined amount of time. My mother in law and mom carried the weight of all that while we were gone for over a month and the effects of that time apart can still be felt today. We didn't have a pediatrician yet, let alone a support system and we had just met our new social worker so the relationship with him was still fresh as well. Needless to say, coming "home" to a place we had lived for only a little over a week prior to our departure was intimidating. I didn't even know where the grocery store was let alone a park to take the kids to play or any resources to go to for help with all the adjustments we would be facing. When we stepped off that plane I was overwhelmed to see about 20 people there to welcome our newest family member. These people didn't even know Nathan and I yet, let alone the story of our baby girl, so it was a very touching gesture that I will never forget.

That day in December we brought home a very quiet, typically angry looking, sleep anywhere, always wanting to be held, heavy, always hungry little girl that knew no strangers and just went with the flow of things. Over time she would not eat for days, not sleep anywhere or scream often and loudly in the middle of the night, still always wanting to be held and gaining more weight everyday, start throwing tantrums, becoming very aggressive, getting more and more frustrated that we couldn't understand her babble, walking off with strangers and then some. These are all things I expected b/c I had been preparing myself for the worst when we finally all came together. But I didn't expect to be trying to build a foundation for a new life within a family for this little girl in a place I had no foundation for a life of my own in. I had to act as if everything we did was "normal" so she would feel a sense of security when in all actuality, it was the first time for me too. I had never been there or done that so how could I make sure she felt safe enough to do it along with me. Also, she and I weren't the only two people in the family. There were two other little kids in the picture on a day to day basis who wanted their mommy's attention again and did not appreciate being upstaged by this "new" girl. Daily they fought for their own right to have a relationship with me and over time, it too just became more and more exhausting. As a result of all this new stress, I started having a lot of health issues. I gained 10lbs within a few weeks, started having major neck and shoulder pain that prevented me from performing daily physical activities and was tired all the time but I couldn't sleep. My chiropractor did a series of tests on me and his exact words about the condition of my muscles and their tension level were, "You live in fight or flight mode. That's not good." I was getting sick over and over again within weeks of each other, which to most people isn't a big deal but I get sick like once a year so it was new to me. The backdrop to all of this was winter and having just moved from FL the cold weather just presented a whole new element of chaos to our new life. Our weekly schedule typically included many trips to doctors, therapists, government offices etc to finalize adoption paperwork, catch Jaydn up on vaccinations required by the U.S. and having tons of testing done for diseases and disabilities. Traveling to all these places in a new town with three kids and waiting in clinics, offices and hospitals for hours on end really wore me out. All the kids began acting up in their own individual ways which just snow balled everything until I snapped.

I can remember a Sunday afternoon when I was sitting in my backyard just staring off into the sky when Nathan came home from services and the kids were down for naps. I softly asked him, "Can you pray for me? I am not in a good place right now." I guess you could say that I knew then where things were heading but I was powerless to stop it. Things progressively got worse and true to form, my emotional reactions turned toward anger first for fear of the depth of my sadness. I never raised a hand to my kids but many times I could not even speak to them or I would come apart at the seams.

Where do you hide when you are in a van full of screaming children? I can remember on one of my lowest days Nathan trying to call me and I couldn't even answer my phone or I would crumble at my first word. I texted him something like this: "I can't talk right now or I will fall apart. I just want to drive this van into a tree right now!" I wasn't suicidal but I was at my limit for sure. I wanted relief so desperately. I couldn't take anymore. Things didn't get any better after that day. The stress kept coming in all shapes and sizes and from every angle: finances, transportation issues, health, attachment issues, fights amongst the kids etc. I would cry at the drop of a hat when it came to issues with Nathan and every subservient task I had to perform as a mother just made me more and more mad. Nathan and I sat down at one point and agreed I needed the guidance of a therapist so we set up an appointment. I went a few times but the suggestions I was given were geared more toward changing my situation (putting kids in day care, co-sleeping with Jaydn etc) then they were about equipping me to handle the situations as they currently stood. It wasn't a good fit for my needs or the direction I wanted to head so I stopped going. I haven't replaced the need for help with anything other than prayer, time in the word, and trying to fit in old hobbies to daily life (IE reading books, writing, going back to work a few days a week, etc). This time in my life has been bitter in many ways but also sweet as I see the way God continues to give me exactly what I need for today and the courage to try again tomorrow. I can assure you that where I am now is better than where I was that day I wanted to drive my car into a tree. There is hope on the horizon.

Hopefully you can see that I do NOT blame Jaydn for my onset of PADS. She is amazing! I love her so much and Im believing that attachment between us will come over time. She was only a part of the onslaught of issues that came my way all at once. Unfortunately she isn't getting what she needs most from me right now as I claw my way out of this dark place but I am trusting that time will be on my side and I can make it up to her someday. As for Jaxon and Jovie, I owe them a better mother too so as I slowly make these steps towards healing, I do so for their sake as well. And Nathan? As always he has been the best support I could have asked for. He is dealing with his own stresses and attachment issues and yet found enough patience and compassion to deal with my rants and my silence. Its safe to say that he knows Im not super woman now :) I am thankful our marriage was/is strong enough to take blows like these without knocking us down.

Its interesting how in the midst of all this, our church has been doing a study on the story of Job. Now I am not so bold as to equate my life to the uprightness of Job's but I can totally see Satan accusing God of "buying my worship." I can imagine Satan saying something like this: "Well of course she loves You God. You gave her Nathan, the man of her dreams and a marriage that is always growing and changing in the best of ways through the worst of times. You let her have two beautiful children by birth that bring joy and light to her world all the days of her life. You gave her a ministry with high school students and other believers through the story of Your redemption and the products of faith in her life. Even now you give her Jaydn after all these years of hopeful waiting. Of course she loves you. Take something away and then see what happens to her worship." Its true, I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. But if that is what Satan has said and if the Lord has responded to Satan saying that I can take, in faith, what Satan wants to dish out then I will believe God in that too and stand for Him in the midst of this storm. He has proven Himself faithful to me always, now its my turn to repay the honor and responsibility of standing firm in what I believe to bring all praise, glory and honor to Him alone. Like our pastor, Mark Evans said in his sermon this past week, once we get to the end of ourselves God can help us.

So Lord, take me to the end of myself if it causes me to lean more fully on you. Thats all I've ever wanted. You're all I'll ever need.

Adoption Depression- Part 1

2011-05-22T15:25:00.012-04:00

I am glad "anonymous" commented on my last blog post about the possibility of me suffering from PADS (Post Adoption Depression Syndrome) because its an issue I've been wanting to write about for several months. I was not sure how to go about explaining this condition to the non adoptive community but was also aware that the adoptive community will of course have their own opinions on the matter. I wasn't sure where to begin and to be honest, I still have no clue. But the door has been opened, which confirms to me that I should in fact bring it into the light, so here goes nothing...

Step one in my book is to explain what PADS is:

Post Delivery Depression, long recognized as an expected part of normal pregnancy and delivery is an issue that is openly discussed and well understood by the medical community and the public. Estimates vary, but between fifty to eighty percent of mothers who have given birth will experience the mildest form of PDD called "The Baby Blues." Of those, approximately ten percent will suffer a more serious form of Postpartum Depression which is of longer duration and has more symptoms. The cause of both these manifestations is attributed to hormone changes and imbalances. Families, physicians, and caretakers are alert for symptoms and offer unconditional support to new mothers during this usually brief crisis.
The public and medical attitudes toward PDD are a far cry from the silence and secrecy that surround a much more pervasive problem - Post Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS). For those of us who are part of the International Adoption Community, in particular parents of orphanage children, we have the added complication of adopting children who are almost always older than newborns and have been in an institutional setting. In many cases, our new children are toddlers to school-aged, and their histories and language issues add an extra dimension to the possibility of their new adoptive mothers developing PADS. Over 65% of parents who adopt experience some level of PADS.
Why does PADS exist among the adoption community in such high numbers? There are a host of very concrete and understandable reasons. Most newly adoptive parents have spent literally years struggling to get to the point of having a child to parent. Their protracted and unfulfilled hopes, dreams, and longing may cause unrealistic expectations about exactly what it will be like to be a parent, and they are unprepared for the grief they feel when reality confronts the child of their imaginations. Adoptive parents may feel guilty about their feelings of ambivalence, resentment, or anger toward their new child. The belief in instant bonding or "love at first sight" is often an unrealistic one. Falling in love with a child is much like falling in love with a future mate -initial infatuation and euphoria give way to the lengthy and often difficult process of adjusting to the day to day presence of another human being. It often takes from 6 months to a year for a real sense of attachment to blossom according to many of the families polled. Being unprepared and unsupported, new adoptive mothers who become depressed often try to "tough it out" without asking for any help whatsoever. Many mothers worry that if they advise their agency or social worker (the ones they have spent months or years convincing of their superior parenting skills) that they are experiencing difficulty, those same agencies and social workers will think of them as unfit parents and, in the worst case scenario, remove the new child from their care. Consequently, a bad situation becomes worse because of lack of understanding and support. First line extended family support available to new birth mothers (and fathers) is often totally missing for adoptive parents. In many cases friends and family members don't understand why the new mother isn't completely happy and content now that she finally has what she's wanted for so long. Rather than disappoint and confound her family and friends, many new adoptive moms simply suffer in silence, filled with shame and guilt, feeling themselves imperfect or selfish.
While all of the above issues pertain to all adoptive parenting, our international community has additional components which load the deck. In almost no case are we adopting newborns. Among other things, we deal with grief over the loss of unknown histories and missed bonding opportunities. We see our children for a very brief time before the adoption is finalized and we often "discover" disturbing surprises about our children's backgrounds after the fact. Our older children come equipped with distinct personalities, some of which meld smoothly into our families, others of which are a jarring and daily reminder of our differences. We adopt children who have experienced an almost unimaginable amount of loss. We adopt children who have suffered the effects of institutionalism, hospitalism, and global neglect. We often adopt children with hidden academic, emotional, neurological and medical needs. Frequently, newly adopted children attach themselves to only one of the two parents, leaving the other parent saddened and disappointed. Add to all that the stress of out-of-country travel, jet lag, communication difficulties with our older kids and foreign country hosts, sleep depravation, and cultural shock. Our decks come loaded with the potential for frustration, powerlessness, and worry - a perfect prescription for the onset of depression.
While most post delivery "Baby Blues" are of very short duration, 77% of survey participants with PADS reported that they suffered their symptoms from two months to over one year with 45% suffering for six months or more. 85% of sufferers reported that their depression affected their health in some way (serious weight gain/loss was followed by sleep disturbances and headaches), 70% felt that PADS had interfered with smooth transitions and bonding with their new children. Clearly, Post Adoption Depression is a significant, multi-faceted issue that needs to be acknowledged, better understood, and unconditionally counseled and supported by the entire community!
- Excerpt from Rainbowkids.com- the Voice of Adoption

I feel like this topic will need to be covered over a series of blog posts because if you are like me, you don't have 2 hours to sit down and read everything there is to learn about the topic or even to listen to me blabber on about how PADS intersects with our journey as newly adoptive parents. So next time I will use the definition of PADS you have read through and connect it with where I am on the scale of this issue.

Visible Sadness

2011-05-19T20:59:00.006-04:00

Today it happened. I could see it all over her face. The response I have been fearing as a result of my inadequacies was obvious. Her sadness was undeniable. Sure, she has been sad before but this...THIS was different. Let me explain...

The hardest part about adopting is this stage right now. I thought it was the waiting to be with her. I thought it was the being away from my other 2 kids while in Uganda for over a month. But the hardest part is today and tomorrow and the day after that. The daily grind of trying to meet 3 VERY different children exactly where they are at is impossible. Not only trying to do that is hard but doing so when I'm not even in a secure place myself. Then add to the pile trying to give 100% to my husband at the same time. I'm just spent. So truth be told, I haven't been a very good wife, mother, or friend lately. There are moments I watch myself do/say things I never imagined I would do/say but can't seem to muster the strength to not do/say them. I have been feeling like a failure in all areas of life.

Most of all I feel like I'm failing Jaydn. In theory I know what she needs but the practicality of being able to provide those things for her is so far out of reach on a daily basis. I have thoughts of wishing Jax and Jo were older so I could focus more on Jaydn. I have thoughts of wondering if it would have been wiser to have adopted first and not third. All because I can see that what Jaydn needs I cannot find the capacity of time, focus, attention or patience to give right now.

People close to me, who I have shared these feelings with, have comforted me with the idea that she is OK and that even if its not the best job I could do as a mom, its still a good job. But that never felt adequate to me. I still want to give her more. More than I have right now. Today my fears were revealed through the downtrodden eyes of my baby girl. It broke me into a million pieces. I'm NOT doing a good job and now she knows it deep down in her soul.

The kids were all playing together while I packed up some items in the garage in preparation for our move in a few weeks. I walked through the living room and noticed she was sitting in the bean bag with a sad look on her face but I assumed she was playing a role, which so often occurs during the play of my children. I thought she was "in jail" and waiting to be "rescued" like I've seen played out time after time. So I walked past. About 10 minutes later I walked through the room again and saw she hadn't moved but b/c of the direction I was heading, I didn't see her face. When I came back through to head out again, her expression gave it away. I crumbled to my knees beside her and asked if she was okay. Nothing. I asked again and again. Nothing. She just looked at me through the saddest eyes I have ever seen with a pout well beyond that of a tantruming two year old but of a girl wanting things to be different. Instantly I curled her into my chest then looking into her eyes, I apologized for getting frustrated earlier. I told her "I love you" over and over again through the tears pouring down my face. But nothing changed. Her silence was deafening. I was attacked with voices in my head saying, "she hates it here" and "she wants to go back." It was a devastating blow to my "try to keep it all together" cover. I just held her and cried. I was saying "I love you" so much and so loudly that Jaxon and Jovie came out of their room to see what was going on. They asked if we were OK and I couldn't even give them an answer, all I cared about was her. I wanted to promise her the moon but in that moment, even the moon felt like it wasn't good enough. I had nothing to offer her beyond what she was getting and her eyes were telling me, "that's not enough."

Eventually she wiggled her way out of my arms and she trotted into the room with her siblings and played off to the side of whatever they were doing but I could see she was still sad. True to form the kids all got into a tiff a few moments later and she broke into a wailing that sounded typical but I knew it was coming from the depths of her sorrow. I scooped her up again and soothed her cry enough to be able to lay her down for a nap. I prayed that while her eyes were closed she would forget how insufficient I am as a mother and give me another chance to love her when she woke up.

I know mothers aren't supposed to be perfect but I want to be, for her sake. She deserves the best and I am not the best. I have always prayed that God would redeem my failures as a mother in the lives of my kids but that has been taken to a whole new level when I became a mother to Jaydn. Her needs are so great- well beyond my reach, even on my best days- so I will fail her time and time again. But God never will.

My prayer is that God will lend me His arms in those desperate moments of sadness for Jaydn. That He will fill me with HIS love for her in those times of agitation and impatience. That I will tap into the Holy Spirit within me to be able to not only endure, but thrive in these trying days as a mother.

For now I will cling to the truth found in 2 Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Growing up too fast

2011-04-12T12:05:00.000-04:00

One of the mistakes I made in my life was growing up too fast. I didn't allow myself to play as much as I should have and took on responsibilities before it was "age appropriate." Being wise beyond my years has its advantages but it came at a great cost as well. Now that I am looked to as the mature one, I have to bear a burden I've been carrying a long time and eventually it gets tiring. There are days I want to be immature and crazy and irresponsible but those moments are not within my reach at this stage of life.

I tell you all of that, on a blog geared toward our adoption story, to explain why I may be more sensitive to people expecting more from kids than they are capable of. There are certain characteristics that I instill in our children from the day they are born but my standards for what those look like remains age appropriate and changes as they grow up.

Jaydn comes to us from a culture that predominately sees children as "help." They are born and put to work at whatever capacity they can be. There is little time for them to goof off, make a mess, learn from mistakes when they are busy cleaning, fetching water, or preparing dinner. I even heard adults refer to the children as being immature when they acted out like a typical child of that age and it made me cringe. There is such a lack of allowances for childlikeness.

Its obvious to me that Jaydn has a strong work ethic in her. She prefers to be involved in the adult activities or conversations rather than the play of the other children. She would rather be helping me unload the dishwasher than watching a cartoon or playing dress up.

This was especially brought to my attention when I noticed how often she observes the interactions between a mommy and her baby. She will stare for hours at a mother when she is caring for an infant (feeding, rocking, soothing etc). At first I thought it was because she was longing to be held and tended to that way but over time it became more prevalent that she didn't want to be the baby, she wanted to be the mommy.

While we were in FL my friend Stephanie was allowing Jaydn to hold her newborn son Trace and help feed him and a part of Jaydn came a live. She relished in that sense of tender responsibility. It made me think about what life would look like for her if she were still in Uganda. Most likely she would be tending to the babies like the older kids took care of her when she was immobile.

It is sweet in one sense but it is also saddening to me that she is trying to grow up so quickly. As someone who missed the opportunity to be childish, I want all of my kids to experience the simplicity and freedom of being a kid. I don't want to negate her desire to help out but I do want to balance that out with a sense of life being an open field to make of it what she wants with nothing required of her, at least for the moment.

I want to give Jaydn the gift of being a child again.

Defining moments

2011-04-11T14:05:00.004-04:00

I find myself blurring the line between treating Jaydn like everyone else and having to recognize her special needs and cater to those. Its hard when you are parenting more than one child as well. A typical scene for us goes like this...

The three kids are playing a game in one of the bedrooms when all of a sudden Jaydn takes the game to a whole new level which saddens Jaxon and enrages Jovie. They will try the tactic (sometimes) of using their words to communicate with her that she is taking the fun out of the play and making it hurtful or dangerous but most of the time she just keeps doing it however she wants, provoking the two even further.

Our job gets really blurry at this point. Do we ...

A. Go in and deal with the situation as we would if it were the other two (IE time out or remove from group play) ?

B. Go in and talk to Jaxon and Jovie about how Jaydn doesn't understand the game or that they have to try and teach her where the limitations are b/c she has never had them before?

It may sound simple but both scenarios cause other things to happen. In situation A we upset Jaydn and further distance her from building that bond with her brother and sister. We may be reinforcing their standard of play (good) but also teaching them that Jaydn doesn't meet that standard so she is not someone you want to play with (bad). In situation B we would be making allowances for inappropriate behavior and causing Jaxon and Jovie to think that she will get away with things b/c she is "from Uganda."

Most of the time we make the call at the time of the offense. But we are starting to see the mindset that is developing in Jax and Jo when we do either of these things. If anything gets broken or someone gets hurt or leaves a toy where it wasn't supposed to be, all blame gets placed on Jaydn. They seem to think that she will get in trouble less b/c she is "different." Even if they never saw who did it, they will point the finger in her direction.

That leaves us (Nathan and I) feeling like we are somehow representing to our older two that 1. Jaydn is causing a lot of problems and/or 2. She won't get in as much trouble for the same offenses so b/c mommy and daddy treat her "different" we should too.

Its a troubling predicament to be in as a parent.

While I know understanding will come in time for all of us, the present situations are also defining things about what our children believe about themselves, their place in the family, and our dynamic as a whole group. This makes our game day decisions even that much more crucial b/c what we do and how we handle Jaydn sends messages to everyone involved and we have to be very intentional about what messages we are sending.

My goal, and seemingly impossible task, is to teach all of our kids this:

She/He is different. Just like you.

How do we plan to do that? I have no idea- we are still trying to figure that out!

What is a birthday?

2011-04-05T21:11:00.003-04:00

March is the month when we celebrate Jaxon AND Jovie's birthdays. I was a little nervous on how Jaydn would interpret these special days for her brother and sister since as far as I know, she has never been celebrated on her birthday. In fact we don't even know if her DOB is actually the day she came into this world or just some Dr's estimate. But I was a little worried that she would see them getting a lot of attention within days of each other and wonder, "when is my special day?" Thankfully we didn't throw any big parties this year but kept it within our family with meals out or nights together at home. She enjoyed singing the HAPPY BIRTHDAY song to each of them and apparently its stuck in her head b/c she sings it at least 5x a day. She got to enjoy cake but never blew out any candles. She saw the decorations but learned quickly they weren't there in her honor. Some thoughtful friends and family members sent an extra gift for her with the other two which made her feel even more involved and blessed me that they would include her in their shopping.

By the looks of things she handled the focused attention on her siblings rather well. Im a little skeptical though that she didn't have any personal thoughts about it all. But at this stage in our relationship, she wouldn't even know where to begin and communicate them to me.

I wish I could explain to her that last August a group of people gathered together at a playground in FL on her DOB to celebrate her even before she was home! But she wouldn't understand. I look forward to her birthday this year. I can't wait to spoil her and give her all the love and attention she has missed her first two years of birthdays. As a mother, it kills me that she missed such special moments for so many years but as a believer I know those moments are being redeemed by the grace of God every day that she is home! August can't come soon enough this year...

Sand and Waves

2011-03-30T15:39:00.003-04:00

Also while we were in FL we took advantage of the beach! Jaydn had never been to one before and we have reason to believe that the first time she ever encountered a pool was with us in Uganda. The first few times she screamed and clawed at me if I even attempted to put her toes in but eventually she would float around in it. We had no idea how she would respond to the sand and the "crash" of the Gulf shore waves so we took it slow. I kept thinking it was probably a good thing she was exposed to the Gulf before an ocean like I grew up going to-the Pacific. To our surprise she was all about it! She loved the feeling of her toes sinking into the sea. She was eager to bounce, splash and play about in the water. It was a little cold for my taste however so Gigi bore the brunt of that task. I came in a few times but not for long...I wanted to be warm in the sun as much as I could be. Jaydn loved every second of our beach day though! She couldn't get enough. Nathan and I got a kick out of sitting back and watching as the beach walkers would pass by and see Jaydn playing by the water and then look around to try to find out where her parents were. I assume they were looking for black adults but instead they found us waving a gentle, "she's ours!" It was a beautiful day for sure and I am so glad she enjoyed it! Lots of new experiences for her that week!

A Song for Jaydn

2011-03-29T21:56:00.001-04:00

Its been awhile

2011-03-28T21:34:00.004-04:00

I know it seems like the last thing I would be posting on here would be a plea for you to buy something or donate to the adoption since Jaydn is already home, but the truth is the costs are still coming. We have 2 more post placement reports to be done by our social worker over the next 6 months and all of the paperwork to file to officially make her a U.S. citizen. All of those things cost money and because we live on what we have/make, we are looking for ways to earn a little more to cover those expenses.

So, if you could take a moment and click on the SHOP OUR ONLINE STORE button/link on the right hand side of this blog page, you will find some shirts we had made that are still waiting to be purchased (price reduced) as well as a 5 song CD from one of Nathan's former bands Sojourn Fare for ONLY $8! Every little bit helps as we work toward finishing off all of this adoption processing costs.

Thank you ahead of time for your help.

Let The Memories Begin

2011-03-28T16:16:00.007-04:00

While there are still A LOT of adjustments going on at our house, we took advantage of the opportunity to visit Disney World while we were in Florida. Nathan, Jaxon and I had our annual passes from when we lived there and since they were expiring in May, it was great timing to make the trip to Orlando. We set out to remain really flexible with our days, not knowing how Jaydn would do with all the "eye candy" and chaos that Disney can bring. We arrived on a Sunday evening and had the amazing gift given to us of a two night stay at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. So we dined in the cafeteria type restaurant and then toured the grounds. We saw many safari type animals from the giraffe to the ostrich. We even saw flamingos! The kids played on the playground until dark and then we all crashed in our room for some spotty sleeping hours - what do you expect with 3 kids and 2 adults in one room? We woke up at 7am and prepared for the Magic Kingdom. We made sure to ride the favs including Small World, Peter Pan, and Cinderella's Carousel. I managed to squeeze in time for my favorite too: funnel cake! We watched the Fantasia 3D show and the celebration parade before taking the Monorail over to Epcot. We snagged some lunch then rode Soarin', Living with the Land, Finding Nemo, played RunTime, walked through the butterfly garden, and lastly rode the ride in the globe (can't recall the name). It was dinner time so we drove over to downtown Disney and ate at T-REX.

Overall Jaydn did amazing for her first Disney day! I thought she would have fallen asleep but no luck- what happened to our little girl that fell asleep anywhere and everywhere? The only thing she expressed any fear of was the 3D show, she couldn't grasp the concept of the glasses and kept swatting the air to make the "flying things" go away. But I kept her on my lap so she never felt alone. The other thing she tended to seek comfort from was the "meteor showers" that took place every 15 minutes at the T-REX resturaunt. Not sure what it was about those noises that caused her to turn into me but as long as she felt safe it was ok by me to get snuggles every 15 minutes! We went back to the hotel for another night of spotty sleep and up again by 8am.

Day #2 we took on Animal Kingdom! We started with the Nemo musical which was AMAZING, and Jaydn LOVED it! She kept saying, "Nemo, Mommy! Fishy!" in her own garbled, partially annunciated way. She loved all the colors and the music and when this girl hears a beat, she can't stand still, so she was dancing in my lap. After the show we played in DinoLand and had lunch then hit the big playground and sandpit. Jaydn loves slides and getting dirty so it was a jackpot place for her. She started getting tired so we put her in the stroller (her all time favorite place to be) and walked our way through the park to the safari ride. Then we boarded a train to the petting zoo and animal house where we met Rafiki and Jiminy Cricket. Now let me pause here to say that Nathan and I had made the decision beforehand to avoid contact with characters b/c of the way Jaydn has reacted to the Chick Fil A cow

on two separate occasions. But I guess when she saw Jax and Jo approach without fear she went too, although cautiously for sure. She turned around long enough for me to grab a pic and then she was on to the next thing which happened to be another picture with another character. Nathan and I were AMAZED! We sat down to watch a talk about snakes but Jaydn opted not to pet the snake like the other kids were doing. Also, allow me to backtrack a bit and say that in the petting zoo were a lot of goats. The last time Jaydn saw a goat was in Uganda when we visited our Compassion Child Esther Akinyii. She FREAKED out when those goats were around her but on this day she grabbed a brush and was practically chasing them around b/c she wanted to touch them so often.

Its things like this that remind me progress is being made. She is slowly building a sense of security not from her surroundings but from the people who are there with her. I hope that her rapid change in fears in some areas, is a result of trusting that mommy & daddy wouldn't put her in a situation that would harm her. Maybe these are signs of security with us-one can hope.

After the animals and characters we grabbed some ice cream for the kids while the adults took turns on the roller coaster. By this time the lines were so short it was easy to do. We left the park and grabbed some dinner at Sizzler on the way out of town. As to be expected, all the kids crashed during the 3 hour car ride back to Naples.

I would have to say, it was a successful trip! Jaydn did amazingly well and we got lucky in so many areas (short wait times etc). But I really see this trip as the beginning of our lifelong process of making memories with Jaydn as a part of this family finally! She adds so much to this crazy crew and we look forward to making so many more memories with her in the future!

Reunited

2011-03-20T15:06:00.009-04:00

When we began this adoption journey we felt "alone" in the Uganda Holt program. Little did we know that there were 6 other families walking the same path with us. Through a series of emails and Facebook friend requests, I was put in touch with all the other families in the program. What an amazing support system and asset these families became to us over the years. They all traveled ahead of us and passed along their wisdom and insights every step of the way. They were there when I was mad, sad, excited, and depressed. They are the ones who could relate the most and for that I will be forever grateful for these people.

One family in particular, we had the privilege of meeting long before we ever brought Jaydn home. By circumstance (AKA GOD) we happened to only live 2 hours from each other- them in Tampa and us in Naples, FL. Our first meeting came as a result of a RED ROBIN craving Erika had so we met up about 30 minutes from our house and an hour and a half from theirs. We picked their brains about the ins and outs of the process and they graciously received our rantings with grace and understanding. I dare say Erika and I became instant friends.

We kept in touch over the months and then our second meeting came by way of Disney's Hollywood Studios. They joined our family one day while we were in Orlando for the week. We rode Star Wars together, ate lunch in a drive in movie restaurant then played in the HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS playground before parting ways again hours later. Our third meeting took place in Naples when they traveled down for a mini vacation and again we met up for lunch, this time at CPK. It was so wonderful to see a family on the other side of the tunnel we were in the middle of, reminding us that light was coming. I needed to be with them as much as possible to give me the breaths of hope I so desperately needed along the way.

Much like Erika and I, our girls share a special story too. In the baby pictures I received of Jaydn there was always another little girl, a little younger, sitting nearby. I came to learn that her name was Esther. She left the orphanage in Uganda to be with her forever family in December of 2009. She now lives in Tampa, FL with her mom Erika, dad Johnny and her two brothers Phaelan and Gavin.

Erika and I have always said that we would reunite these two early friends someday and even though we moved from FL before that could happen, we were not going to pass up the chance. So while we were in FL for the dedication, we drove up to Tampa to see Jaydn and Esther together again. I cannot even tell you what joy this time together was for this little mama. Usually when Jaydn is in unfamiliar territory she starts out with a scowl and warms up over time. But not this day. As soon as she saw Esther she lit up. You could say that it was because she was black. You could say it was because she was Ugandan. But I say its because she knew her. There was an instant connection. Jaydn was all smiles the entire time we were there. I couldn't stop watching as they interacted with so much camaraderie it was undeniable they remembered each other. I hated for it to end but we had to get back on the road. As we loaded up the car, Esther tried to climb in with us and then cried when she realized she wasn't going to be able to come along. It broke my heart.

But the story of Jaydn and Esther (and Bethany and Erika) is not over...it's just the beginning.

Dedication Day

2011-03-19T22:38:00.006-04:00

Dedication Day in Christian circles is the day you stand before your church congregation and commit to raising a child in the ways of the Lord. Its like taking a public oath to be an example to and educate the child how to be like Christ: loving, compassionate, selfless, truthful, etc. But instead of standing in front of our current church congregation and making that commitment we traveled to Naples to have her dedicated in the church that brought her home. Prayerfully and financially, FBCN was the group that cried with us and carried us through the highs and lows of the adoption process so we felt it should be the place we dedicated Jaydn for the first time too.

It was an emotional night for us. First with the nostalgia of being amongst our old congregation but also to take public our commitment to raise Jaydn in a Christian home. We have made many oaths in our process of adopting her but none matters more than this one. Its a HUGE responsibility. Its an awareness that our children are looking to us to teach them about what a Christian is. It doesn't mean we live perfectly but it means we live faithfully and honestly in front of our kids. What an honor as a mother and a believer.

Afterward we were swarmed with friends and their warm hugs. We did our best to love on as many as we could while we were there that weekend as a part of the services Saturday and Sunday. We are so blessed by our extended church family in Florida. Just another reason to love the internet as it bridges us to the people we love in Naples despite the distance.

But not only are the parents taking the oath to reflect Christ during a dedication but the church is also called to enter into the picture by promising to come alongside the family in pointing the child toward godly living. That is why we will also be dedicating Jaydn at our current church home, Rock Creek, in May. These are the people that will be with her/us in the coming years and hopefully with her/us on the day she makes the decision to commit her life to Christ. These are the hearts and hands that carry her future in spiritual guidance and we are so excited to be a part of such an amazing group of people here in Little Rock.

God has chosen such an incredible group of people to walk with Jaydn through her past and her future and we are so thankful to both church families for all the love and support they continue to give us every single day.

Hair adventures

2011-03-14T12:40:00.000-04:00

One of the biggest questions I get is about Jaydn's hair. I forget to brush my own hair everyday so to have not one, but two little girls in our house where I need to not only brush but style their hair is pretty overwhelming. Thankfully, I have help. Even before Jaydn was home with us I was connected to a Facebook group designed to help moms learn styling and upkeep for African hair types. Now I cannot even begin to explore all that is available to me through that group at this point in time but I did manage to get some basics. I have a special brush from Europe, some conditioning spray, a 3 in one hair cleaner, a "nu dred" styling tool and a drawer full of bows, barrettes and headbands. Jaydn loves to feel pretty so even though I am not able to spend hours parting her hair into braids or puffs, I can usually whip together some cute look she is proud of in about 15 minutes. As her hair gets longer though, I can't promise I will always have that luxury. Eventually I will have to make time and jump into the crazy world of hair styling options.

My main goals for now though are:

1. Keep all products used as natural as possible.

2. Keep all styles as painless as possible.

3. Seek ways to maintain the health of her hair and prevent damaging.

4. If she likes/smiles at what she sees in the mirror, that is the most important thing to me.

As I take on these hair adventures I will keep you posted but here are a few of the looks she's had so far.

God is so good...

2011-03-10T15:01:00.009-05:00

As I gathered all the paperwork for our day in court today, my memory sent me back to the day we sat in a hot room to ask the Ugandan government if we could become the legal guardians of a little girl named Priscilla Birungi. At this point she hadn't uttered a word to us since we left the orphanage a few days before and while she would let us hold her as long as we were willing, she didn't interact much. We were not allowed to speak at that court hearing, so we just sat there and watched everyone around us, talk about us to each other.

Today was different. Even while we waited for the Bailiff to call our case, Jaydn was laughing and playing while occasionally stopping for a sip of her juice. She had a sparkle in her eye this time. When we were called in, the room wasn't much bigger than the Ugandan court room but this time the judge wanted to hear from us. With a daughter in each of our laps, we raised our right hands and promised to tell the truth. They asked Nathan a series of questions (IE Is your name Charles Nathan Gaddis? How old are you? Do you live at...? etc.). Then it came... It was explained to him that he was committing to be her father and that if anything should happen to him, she would be placed in his will equally with the other children as a recipient of his assets. The words pierced my heart, "You will be her father" and "equal with your other children." The tears came. I started to wonder if she knew her biological father at all. Was he just a sperm donor or did he play with her and make her laugh like Nathan does? I will never know. But I knew in that moment what a lucky little girl she was that Nathan was going to be her daddy. I've never seen anyone be a better one.

Then it was my turn to speak. I answered the same basic questions and committed to treat & love her as an equal to Jaxon and Jovie. Then came a section I missed on Nathans line of questioning (b/c I was thinking about her biological father). They said that if my marriage to Nathan were to "dissolve" that I would be required to agree to terms of custody and child support for Jaydn. I looked up at Nathan right on the words "marriage dissolve" and I teared up again. I love this man more than I could ever love another human being and I know our marriage is not going anywhere but up. But in that moment I felt like we were not only committing to care for and love Jaydn the rest of her life but we were committing to do so TOGETHER! We were promising to be a team and to stay a team while raising all of our kids the best we can and as God leads us. It was a wonderful moment for me.

The judge then decided to be personal and share with us that adoption cases are the only happy things they get to be a part of from the court room. Then she complimented our family, our girls and us and bid us on our way with a 'congratulations.' It was surreal.

I didn't think it would feel any different but in some small way, it does. It changed my day. I even found myself worshipping in the car singing to myself but the girls were listening intently, "God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me. He answers prayer. He answers prayer. He answers prayer. He's so good to me." I just wept as gratitude poured over me that God had truly and completely fulfilled a dream He placed in my heart as a 16 year old girl. My heart felt whole.

The girls and I stopped at the mall after our court hearing and had a mini celebration together as we shared a cinnamon sugar pretzel, played dress up in the accessories shop and then took pictures in the photo booth. We picked up Jaxon from school and told him the news and he was thrilled! Tonight we will all go out together as a family and celebrate the great things God has done!

I am blessed!

Cause and effect

2011-03-08T15:22:00.004-05:00

Jaydn has been tapping into her "inner-American" a lot lately. Basically that means she has been observing for months and is now in the testing phase of the good ol' toddler tantrum technique for getting attention. It started with just the occasional "No!" but its full blown now. You really should see her. Within seconds she can go into quite a tizzy. It starts with a wild stamping of her feet like she has to pee and the bathroom door is locked accompanied by screaming and crying. Then it progresses into anger... and fast! She looks like she wants to punch whoever stands in the way of what she wants. Sometimes she does. Then if I try to approach her she turns her body away from me as if she doesn't want my assistance and will refuse to accept the interference. I tried disciplining that type of fit many times but yesterday I was prompted (by the Holy Spirit I think) to handle it differently. Instead of putting her on time out or talking her through what she needed to do in order to achieve her goal, I just picked her up (even though she was turning away from me) and held her. I cradled her in my arms so close I could feel her heart racing. So I decided I would sit with her until her heart rate slowed down. I didn't say anything or do anything else other than hold her. Once I felt like she was calmer, I just put her down and watched to see what happened next. She wandered into her room and started playing with the kitchen set instead of returning to the battle she had been removed from. It was a HUGE difference in her demeanor.

I have read a lot about the attachment process and it talks often about going backwards and revisiting some of the ways you would "comfort" an infant (IE co-sleeping; bottle feeding; diapers; pacifier use etc). I didn't feel like any of those were good ideas for us so I have stuck to lots of hugging and kissing hoping that would deter the desire she may have to act out. But it hasn't. So I am trying to find the best way to respond to her fits. Yesterday cuddling worked. Not sure if it will always work but just the fact that it worked once tells me there is a lot going on inside of that little girl. Even when I can't figure out the cause of the behavior, sometimes I can have an effect... if I just take the time to try.

10 things I love about Jaydn

2011-03-01T15:52:00.005-05:00

After my post yesterday I can almost feel the sense of being "let down" from some of our readers. Im not hurt by it b/c I know I may not be articulating well enough for them to hear what I mean and understand fully. So today I want to post something a little more rose colored to help balance things out.

Here is a list of 10 things I LOVE about Jaydn:

1. Her smile

2. Her laugh

3. Her eyes

4. She loves to learn and learns quickly

5. She loves to get dressed up-pick out shoes and bows etc

6. She always wants to help

7. She is so easy to put to bed :)

8. She is forgiving

9. She takes initiative

10. She LOVES flip flops (just like her mommy)

Attachment

2011-02-28T15:58:00.013-05:00

"Attachment" is one of those words adopting families and affiliates love to throw around. For those "outside the experience" though, it hardly defines the dense meaning it really has. Attachment is crucial. Attachment is what makes your relationship able to weather any storm because you are anchored so firmly to each other. Attachment is what makes you never question your love for the teenage daughter that just came home past curfew for the 3rd time even though she is grounded for life and you can't stand the sight of her. Attachment is what makes the difference between people you love and family.

Attachment is a critical part of any relationship. Most of the time attachment comes naturally but sometimes it doesn't. Adoption does not equal attachment. Just because a child has parents and adults have a new child does not mean a relationship has been created. The opportunity for a relationship is there, but there is a lot of work that goes in to creating that bond that is the foundation for everything else.

When we were in the process of adopting I did a lot of research and studying about attachment. I learned 101 ways to help her attach to us when she got home so that we could act as a family as soon as possible. What I didn't prepare myself for was the lack of attachment I might feel. Honestly I never thought about the possibility of not instantly feeling like Jaydn was my daughter. I assumed I would click into mommy mode right away and just lavish on her from an endless source of love like I do Jaxon and Jovie everyday. That's what moms do.

Well as soon as we met Jaydn, she attached to us. She has a loving personality and has been looking for someone to attach herself to her whole life. While I can't say she is only attaching to us, I can say that when she sees us, she knows she has a relationship there that she has never experienced before. Yes there are still a lot of hurdles to jump in order to strengthen that bond from her to us, but its been on the right track since day one of being together.

This caused me to take a few steps back and evaluate why I was feeling so different about her than I did about the homegrown kids. Thankfully I have had honest friends that have been in my shoes, who warned me that loving an adopted child IS different than loving biological children but I had no idea it would feel SO different. I started doing some research again- this time about attachment from the other side of the coin-parent to child. While not many want to admit to this shortcoming, the information is out there if you look hard enough. I came across everything from blogs by moms who had attachment issues so strong that they disrupted (reversed) the adoption to articles about research being done on the commonality of "adoption blues" and the attachment issues of newly adopting parents. It was both fascinating and comforting to see that I most certainly was NOT alone.

Here are some interesting words on the topic that I found resonating with me and my journey to attachment:

EXCERPTS TAKEN FROM HERE

"The early period of tender mother-infant courtship is missed as sorely by adult women as it is missed by the orphanage kids who suddenly parachute into their lives with their boots on."

"Adoption agency websites and brochures, magazine articles and adoption memoirs brim with 'love at first sight' epiphanies. Some mothers report falling in love the minute they meet their children or when they see a video, still others when they get their first photograph. None of that happened to me. I hadn't been visited by 'love at first sight' and now I couldn't figure out where the love was going to come from, nor how on earth I would survive the coming years of raising the child. If you don't have that kind of connection with a child, there is no way on earth you can bend to the hundred daily subservient tasks of caring for them. All the little things I'd done thousands of time for my other children were impossible to perform for a child I wasn't connected to."

My mom has done some hospice work in her day. She would help people get dressed, eat, go to the bathroom, shower, you name it. Any task the person could not perform on their own but was necessary to still feel alive, she was there. And while she is a woman who loves with her whole heart, Im sure she would say that caring for the people at the hospice facility was very different than the years she spent caring for her mother (my grandma) before she died. Same tasks had to be done but the attachment is different.

Thats the best word picture I can give you for what I feel like I am "doing" for Jaydn. I am performing the tasks of a mother without the attachment. My body has no problem cuddling her, kissing her, cooking for her etc but my heart is not attached to the activities yet.

Truth be told, its hard to share my reality with all of you. Its like a dirty little secret to some adoptive moms. But if you know me well, you know that integrity is the most important thing in the world to me. Its not uncommon for the people who have supported us in the quest to become adoptive parents to believe that we are now the happiest people in the world. Its almost like we were given a higher social status because we have adopted a child. But I have to climb off of that pedestal and admit to you guys that while I love Jaydn immensely, I don't love her like a mother loves her child... YET!

Blackbirds and Doves

2011-02-27T15:51:00.000-05:00

So in case you missed it, I posted the segments from a TV program on ABC called What Would You Do? They set up a scene with hidden cameras to see what reactions they get with adopting a child from outside your own race. While I think these reactions are mild compared to some, it shows that even in New Jersey they have strong opinions about race.

Not enough apples in Uganda...

2011-02-23T22:06:00.004-05:00

One of the things I didn't think about (at least not at full extent) when we brought home Jaydn was the amount of DR visits we would have to have. In the last two months Jaydn has had blood drawn, stool samples taken, vaccinations given, hearing tests performed, eye sight tested, speech therapy and assessments for this, that, and the other. That's not even including the times we got her checked out for a good old fashioned cold. The poor girl has been poked and prodded more than any 2 year old should be.

{{And before I get comments about her being vaccinated, trust me, you want her vaccinated. Not doing so puts those of you who have American children, that can afford the luxury of NOT having them done, at huge risk if she went to your school. Not an option.}}

The process has been horrific for both of us (Jaydn and I). We have spent several half days in hospitals, clinics and offices. I have watched her cry and scream so much and so loud that my heart breaks into a million pieces knowing that these experiences shatter her belief that Dr's can be safe people. It takes everything in me not to scream and cry myself, "STOP! STOP! You are hurting my baby!" Not to mention that we are seeing Dr's and specialist that I have never met before. I don't trust them yet, why should she? Moving out of state right before we brought Jaydn home removed our kids from the caring hands of our beloved pediatrician of 5 years, Dr. Dudley. No one can fill her shoes and I have wept many times over how much I wish we were still able to see her while we go through all of this junk. So far we have been to 3 pediatricians at 3 different locations and aren't sure we can go back to any since Jaydn has such negative responses to ALL Dr's, especially ones that have "hurt" her before. So we feel like we will be at square one again when this all gets over with, trying to find someone who can care for Jaydn and build a positive relationship with her before any painful things would need to happen.

As you know she has already been diagnosed with 6 different parasites, including some that had to be reported to the Department of Health. We were called by them and had to explain how she was "exposed" to the toxic things that would cause these parasites. I don't know the answers to all of what she ate, drank, bathed in, slept on etc. so the only answer I had was, "She came here from Uganda." For now that seems to suffice. But of course they are watching our every move to make sure we don't bypass health suggestions for such cases and put others "at risk."

Honestly it has really made me upset about how over resourced we are to keep Americans healthy and how under resourced the rest of the world is. Our suggestion, "An apple a day will keep the DR away." A third world country is more like, "Don't eat anything, drink anything, touch anything, breathe anything, and you might live to see 30." My child is effected by our neglect to care for those outside of our own continent! But that's another post entirely.

As for other testings we are still waiting for a lot of results to come back and we will see about therapies suggested and treatments she may have to endure based on those findings. I haven't even attempted the dentist yet! A lot to think about to say the least. Thankfully, Jaydn has grown to like eating apples. And rest assured, I will offer her as many as it takes!

breakthroughs

2011-02-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I forget that for some of you the only pictures you get of our life is from this blog. Most of the time I don't think anyone is reading our blogs but then in conversation someone will say to me, "Yeah, I remember reading that." I am always shocked that people even tune in to my ramblings.

I have been asked a question though, several times, that I have been meaning to update on. A lot of people have asked if Jaydn is still physically fighting with me - as I blogged about HERE. I have to say happily, NO! She has really tamed her physical responses to us and correction. Now she is more the stubborn "No!" sayer. That I can handle a lot better than the bucking bronco she came to us as. She is still strong and heavy but so far she hasn't been using that against us. Usually I can calm her tantrums pretty quickly and work with her on attempts to communicate with words rather than actions.

Jaydn really is a sponge and has been rolling with the flow of her family since day one. I really feel lucky to have such a resilient yet eager to adapt daughter added to the mix of our craziness. She is exploring her boundaries, for sure, but there doesn't seem to be any signs of fear or doubt that mommy and daddy love her no matter what. What a great foundation to build our new life on eh?

What works for us

2011-02-19T00:16:00.002-05:00

I used to cringe when people would say things like, "well that parenting style works for you, it doesn't us." In reality that meant that the benefit did not outweigh the cost. I am completely honest when I say that Nathan and I (mainly just me) have gotten to a point in our parenting where we are doing things we would rather NOT be doing but b/c we are so weary we opt for the easier route in certain areas. One of those areas would be sleeping.

Yes Jaydn and Jovie are now sharing a room but its not as cold turkey as we would have liked. We tried transition. We have tried letting them talk hoping it would get old and they would just go to sleep after awhile but it never did. At least it never did in the time frame we would have preferred it to. Naps never happened and we spent most of our "alone" time shushing girls or reprimanding them into that wee hours of the night/morning as well. It wasn't worth it to us. So instead we have chosen another route to the same end. Jaydn now has two beds. One in her room that she shares with Jovie and another in daddy's closet (don't worry, its huge!). For naps, she sleeps in the closet and Jovie in the room. At bedtime Jaydn starts in her closet bed but is then moved to her room (with Jovie) once she falls asleep. This way, they get to sleep and so do we! While its not ideal, its the best thing to work so far.

Counting the cost

2011-02-14T12:25:00.000-05:00

The #1 thing I hear from people in response to our adoption is: "Isn't it really expensive?" I want to step up on a soapbox every time and remind them that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills and what He promises He provides and all that Truth! But lately I have started to see that common question in a whole new way. Truth is, adoption is very expensive. It costs a lot more than just dollars and cents though. So if just the money thing scares you, then you probably aren't ready for adoption. Dan Cathy said, "A God inspired dream will never fit in your checkbook or calendar." That is so true. Adoption is a God inspired dream for us. We were not qualified by the size of our savings account, for sure! We weren't qualified by how practical it seemed to add another two year old into our lives a few weeks after moving, changing jobs, leaving family etc etc etc. Adoption can cost a lot more than money. It has cost us our comfort, our "normal", our sense of control, our plans, our understanding, our pride and the list goes on.

I can remember placing all my focus on ways to come up with the money when we started this ride. But honestly, getting donations and applying for grants was the easiest and most joy-filled part of the journey for us. The process of hearing people's hearts and stories and watching them be obedient to the call to give towards our family was humbling and amazing! It wasn't just a few checks from a few rich people that helped us reach the financial end. It was the many drops in the bucket from a faithful group of people all over the world that are passionate about Gods love for orphans, some of which we have never met.

So to answer your question folks: YES! Adoption is VERY expensive. But the trade off is complete reliance on the Holy Spirit to weave together a story so much bigger than you. You just have to decide for yourselves if its worth it.

Hearts and Hands

2011-02-14T00:40:00.004-05:00

This past week we were in Nashville, TN for a conference and b/c Jaydn was with us, she got to meet and hang with some of the hearts and hands that gave to bring her home. Here are just a few:

Ellen Goebel was my ear training teacher and Nathan's seminar teacher in college.

The Mullican's were in our first Sunday School class as a married couple at People's Church.

The Dooley's served on staff with us at FBCN as the youth pastors but are now in Gallatin, TN

The Davis' we met first at People's Church when I worked for the worship pastor there but now we maintain contact through the Re:Create conference Nathan attends every year.

This is Louis Tagliaboschi. Until a few days ago we had never met. But he too attends the conference Nathan goes to each year and we are humbled that he gave to bring our daughter home!

earrings and parasites

2011-02-05T10:04:00.005-05:00

One thing we have learned about Jaydn is that she lights up when she feels pretty. So if you put a bow in her hair or sparkly shoes on her, something in her eyes says, "Im special." That is one of the reasons we decided to get her ears pierced last weekend. Another few reasons is because in Ugandan tradition you pierce a girls ears to protect her from evil/witchcraft, and lastly we did it b/c we got sick of everyone calling her a 'him' no matter whether she was in a dress or not. Nathan has been wanting to get the girls' ears pierced for a long time (Jovie since she was born) but I kept going back and forth about whether we should allow them the choice. Jaydn was a unique situation so in effort to help her feel beautiful, we had it done. She LOVES them!

Another adventure we have been on lately is medical. Having her in the U.S. means a lot of catch up to do. When a child is born here they have blood tests, hearing tests, eye sight checks, and vaccinations done. Well Jaydn is required to catch up on all of that to be a U.S. citizen. So last week we went to the Dr. and they drew blood, took a stool sample, gave the non 'live' virus vaccinations and scheduled sight and hearing screenings. Just the other day we got the results on her poop test and learned that she has 6 parasites she is carrying around. Some are not treatable and we will just have to hope they will pass through her system and the others we have medicine to begin treatment for. I have heard that it could go away quickly or take a long time to clean out-we have to wait and see b/c its different for everyone.

These parasites were born and bred in her just b/c of the conditions she was exposed to as a child. It makes me think of how there are so many treatable and preventable diseases people are walking around with but they just don't have the options and resources available to fight them. Plus clean water would go a LONG way to help the diseases not to develop in the first place. More than 40% of people in the greater Kampala, Uganda area live in unplanned settlements. Of those residents, only 17% have access to piped water. Many people use springs and other surface sources that are highly contaminated due to poor drainage and little regulation of waste disposal. Consider helping other children and families not be exposed to the same junk or worse by supporting organizations such as:

Water.org

Water For Children in Africa

World Vision Water Projects

The plumber is not your mommy

2011-01-22T22:41:00.009-05:00

Well as we all know, transitions are a process and Jaydn is definitely transitioning. We have been in the middle of filing for our official adoption in the U.S. This was supposed to take 10 days but with all the snow and delays in getting certain paperwork to our lawyer, we have yet to find out our court date. (That feels strangely familiar.) At the same time we are setting up a developmental assessment appointment with a local children's clinic to see if there are any therapy's they recommend to help Jaydn adjust. We assume they will suggest speech therapy but we will see how she tests on occupational and physical as well.

After many conversations and observations, Nathan and I feel like Jaydn has come out of her orphanage life with the inability to really attach to anyone. First let me clarify, she will go to and love on everyone but she doesn't attach to anyone- there is a difference. Sure she likes me and prefers me to Nathan but if a plumber walked into our house right now and took her hand, she would walk out with him, jump in his car and go wherever he took her without complaint. This worries me more than a child who has fears and preferences b/c I have to teach her not to trust people. Isn't that awful to say!? We have to teach our daughter that the plumber is different then a neighbor, a friend, and most importantly her mommy and daddy. That's hard to do. As far as we know, she has no reason not to trust a person. Or worse, she has a very BIG reason not to trust people so she trusts no one. So daily I am trying to work through and think of ways I can teach her to trust the 4 other people in her family more than a friend or even a plumber. Did I mention that is hard? Well it is.

On the flip side, I was working on a photo book of our Africa pictures and it took me all the way back to the first day we met her. She looked so mad, would never look you in the eye and certainly never spoke to you. As the pictures go on you would start to see a smirk but mostly just a little girl timid, with her tongue out drooling all over the place. To see her now is like a whole different child. She is always smiling and tries to keep up with her sister and brother when it comes to talking/making noise (which is non-stop). She has come so far.

Basically I have to take those outward changes as inward ones. I pray everyday that she is happy here, that she isn't missing someone but can't find the words to tell me she is hurting. Everyday as I battle to teach her to trust me more than the plumber, I hope that she really believes, like I do, that she is exactly where she is meant to be: home.

MLK looks different this year

2011-01-17T01:20:00.012-05:00

Even before Jaydn came home, I was talking to the kids about racism (mainly Jaxon). While I know its going to be a continuing, age-appropriate conversation over the years, there are a few things I wanted to do in honor of MLK day. So I looked online for a few activities, crafts, and discussions we could do/have as a family today and here is what we came up with:

For a set up, I had signs around the house saying "Happy Martin Luther King Day" with his photo or a famous quote on it.

First and foremost, I read about the background and life of Martin Luther King Jr. I told about his family, his leadership in the church as well as his passion for equal rights. I talked about his Nobel Peace Prize, famous speeches, and his assassination.

Then I had Jaxon do a word search page I printed out, that had words like "black", "dream", "equal", "love" etc on it. He loves doing word searches so I knew that one would be a hit with him.

Then all of the kids made a black and white collage where they glued torn up pieces of black and white paper mix matched all over a bright colored background page.

When they were complete

I talked to them about how beautiful they all turned out and how it wouldn't have been as cool looking if it were just black or all white. Then I started talking about how no two pieces of paper were the same just like no two people are the same. Everyone has different talents, gifts and purposes and we all benefit when people use their individual talents and gifts to fulfill their individual purposes instead of trying to be like everyone else.

After that I took just Jaxon into the girls rooms and grabbed all the baby dolls. Because we have one black daughter and one white daughter we have a variety of skin toned baby dolls. I set them all side by side and asked Jaxon to point out what the dolls had in common. Then I asked him what was different about them. Then I talked to him about how they all had the same feelings. IE If this one (doll) fell down and scraped her knee and this one (doll) did too, would they both be hurting? Then I asked him to name some of his friends. I asked if they have something in common with him. Then I asked what was different about him and his friends. We concluded this activity with the reminder that we may have some things that look different but the most important things about people are the same.

Also online I found a song about MLK to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" (one of their favorites) so I sang it.

Another craft idea I found online was called "hand in hand." Basically you draw 6 hand shapes on a different color of paper representing a different skin tone (color). Then we cut them out.

I had Jaxon write out the phrase "I will love others as myself" one word per hand. Like a puzzle they had to put the phrase in the right order to read "I will love others as myself" and then glue the hands together. As we did all this we talked about ways we love and take care of ourselves (eat when hungry, sleep when tired, etc). Then we asked what are some ways we can love others. We also related this point to John 6:31, the Golden Rule "do unto others as you would have done to you" and how what MLK stood for connected to Scripture.

My favorite part of the day however came at lunch. I interjected some "unequal treatment" amongst my family. After we all had finished our food I asked Nathan to go and buy 5 cookies for dessert. When he came back I handed out the cookies to Jovie, Jaydn and myself and then closed up the bag. When Jaxon asked where his was I explained he didn't get one. He could see there were more in the bag so he reminded me that he too had finished his meal so he should get one. I said, "No you don't get one b/c you are a boy." I had told Nathan of my plan beforehand so he wasn't getting one either. Jaxon looked to his dad for some help on the issue but Nathan just explained that he couldn't have one either b/c he too was a boy. What took place over the course of the next 5-10 minutes as he watched all of us girls enjoying our treats, was awesome. He became upset, saying things like, "that's not fair," and "I ate my lunch just like they did and should be able to have a cookie too." I let it escalate until it came to the point that he started telling me that I was mean. I turned to him and asked, "how does it make you feel that you aren't getting a cookie b/c you are a boy?" He said, "Sad. You are hurting my feelings. Its not fair or nice that you aren't letting me have a cookie like the girls have." For the next few minutes I explained to him that on a bigger scale, "sad" and "hurt" are how black people were feeling during MLK's time. Also "sad" and "hurt" is how everyone feels when they are treated unfairly so it's important to not be partial in our love for others. Although focused on getting a cookie, I think when I told him that I was going to be like Jesus instead of being like the white people back in MLK's day and let him have a cookie, his heart clicked onto the idea that loving people differently b/c they are different is wrong and hurtful.

Anyway, while all activities and discussions we had today were small steps in a large sea of issues we will face and encounter, I feel like it was a great start!

Have you talked to your children about race?

If you don't think you need to please consider reading this article: http://www.newsweek.com/2009/09/04/see-baby-discriminate.html

If you decide you want to start that dialogue, my friend Erika has some great first steps to help you:

PART 1: http://amazzicolors.wordpress.com/2010/12/16/talking-to-kids-my-about-racism-part-one/

PART 2: http://amazzicolors.wordpress.com/2010/12/18/talking-to-kids-about-racism-part-2/

PART 3: http://amazzicolors.wordpress.com/2010/12/18/talking-to-kids-about-racism-part-3/

First Snow

2011-01-13T14:48:00.005-05:00

Funny that I'm posting this about Jaydn when in all actuality it was the first snow for all of our kids. We got word that snow was coming but after living in so many places, I seem to never take weather reports very seriously b/c they are typically wrong. But Sunday as we scampered into church, freezing our tailgates off I had a feeling this prediction was about to come true. So by afternoon, around 2pm,when I saw the white falling from the sky, I got gitty. I ran into Jaxon's room and made him come outside with me since the girls were napping. We played and took pictures until the girls opened their eyes and joined us. We bundled up the kiddos and off they went to explore this winter wonderland. Jaydn loved seeing it fall but was not too thrilled about how painful it was to not have gloves on. She kept fighting with me about having them on but I think after learning the hard way how necessary they were, she stopped entering into that battle. She wasn't as active as Jaxon and I were (snowball fights/snowman building etc) but she liked laying on it while Jovie kept eating it. About every 10 minutes she wanted to go in, take everything off, then come back out 10 minutes later. It was so annoying. So finally I made her choose and she decided to stay in and jump on the mini trampoline they got for Christmas and watch through the windows while the rest of us played until bed time.We enjoyed hot chocolate, which she downed within seconds while Jax and Jo kept asking for ice cubes to be added to cool theirs off. The next day was another snow adventure with no school for brother and no work for daddy b/c of the roads being icy. So while she was physically present with us and all of our snow shananigans, she kind of did her own thing. Mainly consisting of laying on the plastic pool covered in snow. But over all it was fun and a new experience for all!

Another step in the journey

2011-01-06T21:48:00.004-05:00

With the holidays behind us we scheduled our first post placement review with our social worker. He arrived during nap time so we worked through some paperwork and questions before he observed her behaviors and interactions with us. It went great and I learned that the department of health has a program available to us to receive a comprehensive developmental assessment and any therapies they deem necessary free! This will help us to know if she is behind on anything that we need to make an effort to correct now so she can assimilate easier in the future (ie school). Also we were given a contact to begin the official adoption side of things. You see in Uganda we were granted legal guardianship but have to complete the full adoption to make her legally our child, and change her name here in the U.S. So we have a meeting with our lawyer tomorrow at 10am. She says it will only take 10 days to process unless we get a certain judge. Apparently there is a judge that likes to make things difficult for interacial adopting families. So our 10 days could turn into a several months and a lot more money. So please pray we don't get that judge or that if we do, God will soften their heart so we can get through as normal.

With every social worker visit and every day we are in process to adopt Jaydn, there is a cost so if you haven't already, or if you would like more, there are a few shirts and bags left for purchase. Just click the link on the right and tell us what you would like to order. Even if we sell all of it, it won't come close to covering our costs but every bit helps. God has been faithful every step of the way- we had $100 left in our adoption fund when we came home from Uganda, talk about cutting it close- so we know that what we need will come in time. We are so excited to stand in a court room and tell our governing body that Jaydn is ours and commit to caring for her physical, spiritual, emotional and mental needs.

In other news, Jaydn has officially moved into her room with Jovie and other than nap times, it has been going well. I think it has helped Jovie's interactions with her too now that its physically obvious that it is THEIR room and not just hers anymore. Nap times we usually have to separate them unless we can get one to fall asleep before putting the other one down. So the pack N play in our room still gets some action but this time by Jovie and only during the afternoon. We LOVE having our room back but I am not a fan of sleeping with the monitor by my ear all night again. I know, Im so hard to please :) All in all, the transition has been smooth other than a lot of two year old tantrums, fighting, whining, hitting and some brotherly instigating. It's just another day in the life of the Gaddis'

Sometimes I forget

2011-01-03T22:16:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I forget she is adopted. As we move through the flow of daily life I tend to forget that none of this is familiar to her. I don't know what will trigger her instincts or fears. I was reminded though while I was at the chiropractor. I had asked Jaxon to stay in the lobby area with the girls but he wanted to see me get adjusted which mean't they all came in. I sat them all down on a bench nearby and I laid down. As the DR started adjusting me all was silent. As he kept pressing down on my hips, with my face down, she broke. It was a fearful scream and cry that began to pour out of her and while the room around her scrambled my heart clicked into "mom of an adopted child" mode. I jumped off the table and got on her eye level and reassured her I was ok. I kept smiling and telling her, "Mommy is ok. Don't worry." The receptionist offered to hold her while I continued to be worked on but I waved her off. She didn't know the internal difference between Jaydn and my other children. Truth is, either do I. But I am learning. Forgetting, but being reminded again in moments like this. I don't know what made her worry. Was it that she couldn't see my face? Did she think he was hurting me? Did this remind her of something in her past? Who knows. After a few minutes I was able to calm her down and finish my adjustment. When I went to pick her up she strongly pulled away and then I realized she thought I was going to make her go next so I just grabbed her hand and led her out of the room to where she felt safe again. I picked her up and reassured her again that I was ok and got her laughing. In the car on the way home I just kept thinking how easy it is to forget. This won't be the last time I forget, but Im glad she reminds me. I need to be reminded that I can't play "the part" of a mommy but I really need to look for and dive into those fears and corners of her heart and allow God to shed His redemptive light there. My role as mommy in her life looks different. Today I was reminded of that.

Looking for normal

2011-01-03T09:30:00.003-05:00

Most people assume that because we moved to Little Rock at the end of OCT that we would be pretty adjusted but nothing has been normal since we got here. We moved in, we did Halloween, we left for Africa and were gone for over a month, returned to family and Christmas and more family, then New Years. Today, for me, feels like the first day we moved here. We can figure out what our new "normal" is. We will see how Nathan's schedule, Jaxon's school days, our new budget, our new child and life in Arkansas really works together.

I am glad we made it to this point b/c I need to have cash in my envelope system and a plan in my head so I can give Jaydn some sense of foundation to this new life we are offering her. I just keep thinking over and over again how strange the timing of all this was. Moving-changing schools, jobs, homes, states, leaving family and a major support group, going to Africa. It just makes more sense to have stayed in a place where we had all the basics established before we brought Jaydn home. But God's plans don't always make sense. So here we are. In my opinion, the adjustments are about to begin.

I want my room back

2010-12-28T15:16:00.003-05:00

That is what Nathan said to me the other day. "I want my room back!" It sounds like a tantruming toddlers phrase but I knew exactly what he meant and I agreed. I want our room back too! For the past few months we have been sharing a room/bed with Jaydn. Nathan and I were never the co-sleeping types. When Jaxon and Jovie were born we took turns with who slept in their room for the late night feedings until they slept through the night. They have always been in their beds from the beginning. Now this is not a debate about the positive effects of co-sleeping so please don't leave me comments about how heartless we are as parents. Anyway, since November we have been sharing our bedroom space with a two year old. I tend to see our room as the only place sacred for Nathan and I to be alone so when that changes, where do we go for an escape?! But so far it seems like for one reason or another, Jaydn needs to still be in our room. At first it was the only option in Uganda and it helped the attachment process. When we got home, it was used to get through the jetlag and get her familiar with her surroundings. Now its because she has been coughing randomly during the night and b/c this girl doesn't do anything quietly, it wakes everyone around her up so we are sparing Jovie the sleepless nights. There have been times where Nathan or I will sleep in his closet just to get a few hours of rest without coughing waking us up. We are tired and we want our room back. Call us toddlers if you must but we are on a mission to get this girl out of our room so we can get some sleep and solitude.

1st Christmas

2010-12-26T23:46:00.003-05:00

I have no idea if they celebrated Christmas at the orphanage Jaydn comes to us from. But yesterday marked Jaydn's first Christmas (with us). She met her Nana and Pop (Nathan's parents from KY) and her uncle John and Aunt Becky and their 3 boys Drew, Grayson and Roe (Nathan's brother and family from TX). She loved having so many adult laps to sit in but rarely interacted with the other kids as they buzzed around the house. She never meets a stranger, as we have already talked about in previous posts, but that is something I am trying to train her away from. Family is different I think though. I have more freedom to let Jaydn get to know the people that will be in her life forever. I can teach her to love them differently than someone she sees in church or in the mall. So my lap got a little break over a few day period as I was able to share the attention amongst all the new faces of family. I have been pretty sick the last few days too so it was a good thing I had the extra hands when I needed to rest too. Christmas day we greeted her with extra kisses and hugs and wished her a MERRY CHRISTMAS! When the rest of the family arrived we attempted pictures but with 6 kids its tough to make sure all are looking in the right direction. I would love to share some Christmas pictures with you but my flash broke on Christmas Eve so I don't have any. (The one above is from my sis in law). She sat on my lap as Nathan read the Christmas story from the Bible and emphasized to the group that the real meaning of Christmas is to celebrate the gift of Jesus, born to us this day. I helped her open her stocking and put on all the bracelets and headbands etc that were inside. Then it was gift time. Because we rotated who's turn it was to open something, she would walk off and get distracted by something and we would reign her in to break into the next one with her name on it. She got a few baby dolls, some Princess Tiana stuff, tights/socks/sweats, etc. She wasn't as impatient as the other kids and was content wandering around as we each opened presents. Then came lunch time. She LOVES sweet potatoes. She also ate a ton of ham. We are still having trouble getting her to eat vegetables but I won't give up! You should have seen her with the sweet potatoes though- she was licking the plate and when we would offer her more she would beam with delight. Then it was nap time and she crashed (as did I). We got up a few hours later and enjoyed more family time and some leftovers as we ended the day. Nathan and I bought the kids a mini trampoline with a handle and she loves jumping on that and is learning how to "take turns" with it too. Nathan mentioned to me that she doesn't push and pull as much as she used to when she gets upset. We can usually calm her pretty quickly. But the kids' reaction when she would cry/yell was priceless. They would all cover their ears in pain and have confused looks on their faces. She still hides her eyes from correction but we are getting closer everyday. All in all, a great day for Jaydn.

At one point in the day someone had wrapped a ribbon around Jaydn's waist and she looked like a present running around. It was a beautiful picture of how she truly is the greatest gift I was given this year. I am so thankful she is with us. I even heard my brother in law say over and over to her, "Im so glad you are in our family." Despite the struggle the adoption has been and the struggle attachment and developing family security will be, we are blessed to all be together. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T07:31:00.001-05:00

From our family to yours...

Merry Christmas

2010

FAQ's

2010-12-22T00:12:00.004-05:00

Ok so I was made aware that my blog posts have been a little heavy lately so I thought I would rattle one off with just the basic info based on the questions we get asked a lot.

Q. How is Jaydn adjusting to the dog?

A. Great! She has been petting him lately but is still suspicious of his activity when he is under the table at meal times. She doesn't like not knowing when or if he will brush her leg or something. She calls out to him all the time in her own speech impeded way with a little hoot hoot at the end signifying a whistle of sorts. She is growing to love him. I mean what's not to like?

Q. Where is Jaydn sleeping?

A. We were told in our reports before we met her that she was in a bed but when we got to the orphanage she was in a crib. We came to find out that she was climbing out all the time so they put her back in the crib to contain her. Well after a week in the apartment we managed to teach her to stay put but all that went out the window since she has been home. She will roam around if we'd let her and she is stealth so we could sleep through it if we didn't take necessary measures. Our original plan was a twin bed (already set up) in Jovie's (the girls') room but since arriving home we have decided a crib would be the best bet. Since she still climbs out of all cribs, we got one of those crib tent things to make sure she is safely tucked away in her bed while we sleep in a room just down the hall. Right now, she is still sleeping in the pack N play in our room but in the next few days we will make the switch. You can bet there will be a blog post or two about that transition!

Q. How well has Jaydn been sleeping?

A. Great! We haven't had any major problems with bed time or jet lag. She goes to bed around 8pm and she will wake up at around 6am for her morning shoosh (poop). She will get frustrated that she is tented in and start to whine but most mornings we can get her to calm down for a little while so we can squeeze in whatever amount of sleep we can get away with. Getting her to bed can be a task sometimes but very reminiscent of an infant- rocking and holding her helps. Because it can take some time we usually put her down last. Im guessing she will be first once we start the room sharing business so she doesn't keep Jo up.

Q. What size is she?

A. I think I already said this but I had the closet prepped with 3T clothing before we went to Uganda but I have had to do a lot of shopping to get some 4T winter clothes instead. I have enough summer clothes to last but jeans and long sleeves were missing big time. But now we have some basics to work with!

Q. Is she potty trained or regressing?

A. Yes. She is potty trained- how cool is that at 2 years old?! But she doesn't communicate when she has to go. So unless we are around the house and she is in her underwear, she will pee her pants if she doesn't have a pull up on. I have also found that if she gets scared suddenly or throws one of her fits, she will wet herself. So most of the time we depend on the pull up. But when we are home, she goes on the potty all the time.

Q. What are some good effects Jaydn has had on Jaxon and Jovie?

A. Jovie has been challenged to grow up a lot since Jaydn got home. Seeing a girl younger than you sleeping on a regular bed and going on the potty makes you push yourself a little harder. Jovie knows she is older than Jaydn so the competition to be a big girl has begun. Within days of Jaydn being home, Jovie started sleeping on the twin bed in her room. So well in fact, we converted her crib to a toddler bed and she has been doing fantastic. Prior to this, there was no way Jovie would have stayed in her bed until we came in to get her but she wants to be the big girl so bad she is even willing to obey (in some areas). Also, she has been going on the potty a lot more. Jo has dabbled in potty training for several months but it hasn't stuck. I think we are getting close to a real desire to change that for herself though. We'll see. As for Jaxon, he is learning that he is the oldest and that he carries a certain level of responsibility just for being such. He loves it and hates it at times. Having Jaydn home has him talking about the "next" brother or sister a lot. He is hoping its a boy though so we can be even, plus, according to him, there isn't enough room for another one in the girl's room.

Q. How is attachment going?

A. Really well. I can definitely see some progress being made, especially in the area of wanting me more than anyone else. She will go to anyone temporarily but if Im within sight she will reach for me. I was able to calm her down a lot faster today for some reason-Im hoping that sticks! She gets territorial with me though. She doesn't want to "share" me, my lap or let me hold anyone else other than her, even Nathan.

Q. How is she eating?

A. Not well. She won't eat things she is unfamiliar with. Its weird b/c in Uganda she ate the most random food. She ate a variety and a lot of it. Now that we are home she will eat one part, the bread or the banana or whatever it may be and then push her plate away and kick and scream until she is allowed down from the table. I have managed to shove a few things in her mouth that she did end up liking (IE mandarin oranges and hot dogs). She is learning though that if she doesn't eat the good food, she doesn't get dessert (if there is one). I keep hoping that she doesn't just think she isn't getting any b/c I don't like her though. Its hard to know what message we are sending but I hope its that dinner comes first then dessert.

Q. Does she speak English?

A. I don't think she speaks anything really. While Ugandan communication is a series of eyebrow raises and head nods, she is more of a whiny tongue chewing with intended meaning behind it. She understands everything and if you teach her something new, she won't forget it. I throw a few Ugandan phrases her way, as do Jaxon and Jovie at times just to clarify something but overall we all speak English to her. I remember a woman in Uganda telling me Jaydn wasn't speaking Ugandan or English so I suspect she may have a speech problem or at least is really delayed. She gets syllables but not actual formation of sounds/words. That is a big source of frustration for her and all of us. Most of the time her meltdowns come as a result of not knowing how to communicate her feelings and instead she acts them out, usually aggressively. As I communicate verbally to her what is happening, her emotions escalate to a level that I have to respond more physically than I normally would to indicate the nature of the situation to her. But I see some ground being made in this area to, while miniscule, it is there.

I think that about covers it! If you have a question for us that was left unanswered then just post it in the comments section or email it to us at gaddisadoption@comcast.net

Parenting Backwards

2010-12-20T14:44:00.004-05:00

Raising a child from birth to adulthood seems like a cycle of teaching attachment and then teaching how to let go. First you try to get a newborn to attach to a breast for feeding then after a few months, a few years for some, you ween them off of the breast and onto a bottle. The process starts all over again. Attach to the bottle then ween to a sippy cup and so on. Just think about it: we use things to comfort and nourish and soothe our children just so later on we can teach them that they will have to grow up and move on from them. A blankie, a pacifier, a crib, a toy, a home etc. Its a cycle of teaching them to attach and let go b/c that is what life is all about.

Well parenting an adopted child feels completely opposite of that to me. I feel like I am having to parent backwards. Instead of teaching Jaydn to attach and let go I am trying to teach her to let go and attach. Let go of her defense mechanisms and the tools she has been using to survive her almost animalistic institutionalized life up until now and attach to us at the heart level. Let go of her fears of abandonment and sense of self sufficiency and attach to us, her loving family that she can trust and feel safe with b/c we aren't going anywhere.

It is really hard to parent this way after years of doing it the other way. Call me selfish but I enjoy the times when Jaxon and Jovie are playing in the other room while I do my quiet time or dishes or whatever I need to do for a little while. I have taught them to trust a babysitter or a Sunday school teacher so that Nathan and I can have a date or I can enjoy worship with our church body. Teaching even toddler aged kids to let go has it's perks! But parenting backwards is a conscious sacrifice of those perks. With Jaydn on my lap 24/7, I can only catch bits of the sermon between feeding her crackers or keeping an eye on her as she destroys my notes with a pen. Nathan and I don't go on dates. Dishes, quiet times and whatever else I need to do will just have to wait until she is asleep at night. And to be honest, by then, Im too tired so it simply doesn't get done. Another example is last night. We went to a worship and music ministry Christmas party. We couldn't get a babysitter b/c its too early in Jaydn's development to leave her with anyone else so Nathan and I drove separately just in case I would need to leave b/c of the kids. So as Nathan wandered around meeting and greeting people he will be working so closely with in the coming years, I sat on a couch with a 40lb two year old squishing my face at an almost painful strength, knotting my hair with her forceful fingers and then jerking herself backwards at random times with brut force almost breaking my arms as I attempt to catch her each time. A sweet new friend offered to watch her for a minute while I ventured to the chocolate fountain and I jumped at the chance. "OH! YES! Kid freedom!," I thought to myself. I returned from the other room a few minutes later, knowing I wasn't really "supposed" to do that but Lord knows I needed it (both the break and the chocolate covered fruit). Then it was back to my lap she came. I kept thinking about how the other two kids were upstairs, entertaining themselves and what a gift that truly had become to me as one tired mommy. I went upstairs to join them and sat on the floor while Jaydn would get up long enough to grab a toy and then plop onto my lap again. The process of her seeing me as different than every other woman in the room is an arduous one.

Please know that I am not complaining. Actually I am learning out loud. I am learning how to parent someone who has no experiential reason to trust/love me. I am learning how to walk through every painful door of her self sufficiency and place Christ's redemption story there. I am not Jaydn's mommy b/c I had to be. I chose this role out of obedience to God's command through Scripture. So as in all things I experience in my life where I feel ill-equipped and unable, I believe that God has placed me here to be more reliant on Him. I know He can parent forwards, backwards, upwards, downwards, sideways and upside down- He is The Everlasting Father. My prayer is that through all of this, He will also teach me how to let go (and let God) and teach Jaydn how to attach.

Too big to baby

2010-12-16T21:25:00.003-05:00

Im not a "share the good without the bad" kind of person so I feel like I should be truthful when I encounter a struggle along this adoption path as well.

Ok so I knew going into this that I needed to prepare myself for Jaydn to be older in age than she would be developmentally. They say to cut your "institutionalized" child's age in half which would make Jaydn, developmentally, a 1 year old even though she is 2 by age. After spending over a month with her, I think she is actually developmentally younger than one. Either that or she is going back to the days of infancy so that I can show her how she SHOULD have been held when she cried or how she SHOULD have been corrected when she disobeyed etc. Regardless there is one thing that I was NOT prepared for.

While I am willing to go with her to the emotional depths, physically I cannot do it. I believe that if she could be, she would want to be strapped to my side all day, like in one of those baby slings. She is at that stage of developmental and emotional need. Even though I don't like to foster clingy behavior, I know her need has greater purpose than that and I want to be able to meet her there. But I cannot carry her around or hold her as often or as long as she would like me to. Not b/c I am emotionally incapable but b/c I am physically unable. She is a BIG girl. She is 40+ lbs of dense weight. I am a strong person but I cannot add 40lbs to my daily activities and expect to keep up. As a result, I have been placing myself on the floor most of the day so that she can sit with me without knocking me over or killing my back.

Not only is she heavy/big, she is REALLY strong. When I correct her she looks like a tantruming 2 year old to the outside eye but she feels like a bucking 12 year old boy shoving and pulling me while I try to calm her down. I hate feeling like I am physically restraining her but if I don't try, I will have a bloody nose or a black eye from her flailing and head butting way of "handling" things. It doesn't happen often (thank goodness) but when it does....LOOK OUT!

Anyway, I just wanted to ask you guys, my prayer heroes, to add this to your list of petitions. Physically I have to parent in a whole new way and you should see the way Jax and Jo look at us when Jaydn and I are "at it." They can't believe she is so loud and violent and that mommy has to protect herself and them just in case it gets too out of hand. Please understand me, Jaydn is not trying to hurt me/us. Its just that because she is large, when she acts up it becomes very physical and potentially harmful. I am thankful that when she throws a fit she doesn't run away but runs to me but that also means I have to physically react to her when I can't connect to her emotionally yet. We both have a lot to learn.

Change of Plans

2010-12-16T16:45:00.003-05:00

New Movie Coming: Change of Plans

A new made-for-TV movie slated for showing on January 8 explores adoption, sacrifice and life priorities in a way very few films today do. “Change of Plans” tells the story of a young, jet-set couple whose all-too-perfect lives may be irreparably altered by four orphaned children. I had the chance to preview the director’s cut this week and came away inspired and thoughtfully challenged.

When Sally Danville’s (Brooke White of American Idol) best friend from college dies in tragic accident in Africa, she leaves behind four children—three of them adopted from countries around the world. Sally and husband Jason must now grapple with choices that will shape the rest of their lives. Step by step, the couple realizes that for every inch they open their hearts and home to the children, the plans they’ve mapped out for themselves will likely be lost forever.

The film gets its strength from the underlying story and real-world decisions it represents for each of us. The acting, music and script are not Oscar quality, but still solid. Many adoptive families and others involved with kids in the foster system will likely see parallels with their own stories as well. The windows the story offers into the potential challenges of adoption and foster care are perhaps understated, but not absent: it’s clear that to welcome a child into our home is not a cost-free choice.

Refreshingly, this movie earns its “family friendly” identity not merely by cutting out sex and violence, but by delivering a thoughtful challenge to some of the great lies of our era. Most narratives today, from commercials to movies, implicitly argue that fulfillment is found in getting what we want. “Change of Plans” points in the opposite direction, helping us see that real life is only found by embracing the inspiring-but-costly invitations God puts before us.

If your evening January 8 is not already booked, I’d encourage you to spend it enjoying “Change of Plans” with your kids or a few friends. Doing so sends a message to TV producers and advertisers that there is, after all, a market for quality programs. More importantly, the story just may provoke a change in your plans as well.

My love is different

2010-12-15T10:55:00.001-05:00

This post was “borrowed” from Donna .

Yes, I admit it.
I love my adopted children “differently.”

I do.

I can’t help it.

They didn’t “come from” my body.

We do not share the same DNA.

Or the same skin tone or the same hair color.

In the adoption community, these are not things we try to ignore.

Overlook or down play.

We are “different” from each other.
My children and I,
And these things need to be acknowledged.

Last month, I went away to NYC with my mom and some dear family friends.

It was a much-needed, rejuvenating “break” from my life and responsibilities.

It also just happened to be the first time I had been away from the boys.

Or more importantly, the first time they had been without their Mommy.

Later that same week, our other dear friends left for China to bring home their son, Zak.

In the last 5 – 6 weeks since these two “trigger” events occurred,

Austin and Logan have been “acting out” their worries and concerns.

Yes, a lot of it is typical 4-year-old worries.

But in our family – “typical” is always laced over with

“adoption” issues and on top of that, “twin” issues.

Anyway, while the boys have been going through this little spell of uncertainty and unease.

They have done a lot of regressing – going back to being little “babies.”

They want to be held and rocked and they practice taking their first steps
…and falling…and having Mommy/Daddy pick them back up.

Which is actually pretty smart when you think about it.

They are going back in time to the moment(s) when they were the most vulnerable.

When their needs were not being met.

And at a time, when, for them, their little hearts were getting “broken.”

Lucky for us, this time we get to be there for them and reassure and nurture them.
But it is also very scary, very worrisome.
The term “attachment issue” FREAKS me out!
It’s hard not to go down that path of rejection and fear -
“My child is not attached to me!’

Despite being very outgoing, fun-loving, like to play 24 hours a day little boys,

Austin and Logan have not wanted to “go anywhere”

When they are dropped off at school or at a playland area,

they scream and scream and cling and beg you not to leave them.

Insert another twin issue here, when ONE child sounds the alarm,

the other child does not wait to access the situation and make his own determination.

He simply hits his own panic button, trusting the fact that

if brother is scared, there’s probably a pretty good reason for me to be scared, too.

At first, I thought their behavior was mostly Mommy-separation issues.

And for Austin, I think it mostly was.

But then I started noticing all the focus and attention Logan was putting on Baby Zak and the adoption.

And Logan really, really started loosing his mind when it came time to be “separated” from Mommy or Daddy.

You could see and feel the fear that riveted through his body.

For Logan. For an adopted child. They don’t have that same “right” to their mommy.

That “I came from you” type of security that non-adopted children have.

Deep within Logan’s growth and development, his mind, his body knows
that at any given moment
anything and everything
familiar to him

can

taken

away.

No, he doesn’t have real “memories” of these “clearing house” events.

But his mind. His heart. His body.

Remembers.

Logan describes the fear as “There are monsters in my belly, Mommy.”

That anxiety, that nervousness that starts to work its way up through him on the ride to school in the mornings.
He doesn’t know why and he can’t explain it.
And I use every “mommy phrase” in my arsenal to try and help him and walk him through this.

But my heart breaks.

Watching his heart hurt.

Knowing the pain that he suffers,

That he doesn’t have a sense of “belonging” to me.

He tells me he just wants his WHOLE family

With him. In the house.

Logan looked at the adoption of Zak like this,

“That little boy was adopted like ME.

That little boy is coming FROM somewhere.

Who’s to say

Someone can’t swoop in

And adopt me again

(read: take me AWAY from somewhere…this time that “somewhere” being HERE.)

Last week, it got to be too much.
Austin had recovered for the most part. But Logan was getting worse.
Like I said, I could “see” the fear in him.

And I couldn’t do it anymore.

This child who has had everything taken from him 3 times in life
(first 3 weeks in the hospital, alone or maybe not, and then through two different foster families)
was not going to have to go through any more anxiety and pain.

I pulled him from school. He came to work with me.
We made sure he felt safe.
We made sure he felt like he was in charge
and that we were gong to move forward on his word.

I see a lot of posts on facebook about
“giving birth to a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body.”

And I think loving an adopted child is like that, too but also
it’s like having to watch their little hearts walk around outside of their bodies.

That little invisible thread that connects us isn’t the same.

It’s different.

Security is not a given.

It must be earned.

It must be built.

And then, Reiterated.

And Reestablished.

Over and over and over again.

I could really associate to Logan’s pain because also last week,
there was a little newsstory going around about a court case
where it was to be determined if a little 4 year old boy
was going to stay with his adopted parents
or be returned to be raised by his birthmother.

Now, there are many, many circumstances involved in this case, but still

the core

the reality

the fear

that because my child did not COME FROM me,
he could be TAKEN FROM me

is an overwhelming heaviness.
The depth of the pain is immobilizing.

When Logan flung his arms around me

And his body was convulsing with fear.

I listened.

I scooped him up.

I held on.

And I didn’t let go.

Daddy and I have very quietly reassured him.

Loved him.

Let him take life at his own pace.

Eventually, I would drop Austin off at school.

And Logan’s “monsters” didn’t act up.

Little by little,

His security

His faith

Returned.

And this morning

He went to school.

And I bawled.

Such a big, brave little boy

To overcome an innate fear.

To put himself out there

Despite that life has shown him several times now that things can be taken away and can change in a blink.

He still chose to live

To laugh

To play

With one little step.

One little step,

He is CHOOSING to step away from the fear.

He chooses to embrace life

He feels safe enough

Secure enough

To walk away from me

To trust that I and his whole family will be there waiting for him.

Do I love my adopted child differently?

Absolutely.

I didn’t spend the next five minutes bawling in my car just because
he went to school

I bawled
with relief

That for now, we had done a “good enough” job reassuring him

I bawled, swelling up with pride

Because at that moment I had never seen a bigger, stronger or fiercer HERO!

Being an adoptive parent, you don’t try and dodge a bullet

The bullets are coming

It’s a part of the program.
We don’t try to be “normal”
To glaze over the issues
And pretend that being adopted isn’t different.
It is different.
And so, my love is different.
My love is fierce.
And each time my child’s little heart
is raw and exposed
I will stop the world.
And quietly quelch the demons that are attacking him.
I will make sure I am giving him the tools that he needs in life
to make that invinsible thread stronger.

LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD
Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.

—- Unknown

Moved into action

2010-12-14T18:24:00.006-05:00

The following post is a letter we received a few days ago from a person who joined us on our journey to Jaydn. This is the kind of thing we were talking about when we said, this journey isn't ours alone to take. She didn't just read our blog posts and say "oh thats nice," and move on with her day. She saw the challenge and has taken action! Read about what one LOVE RUNS DEEPER THAN BLOOD follower has done in response to God's leading in her heart:

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing your very personal journey with all of us on Facebook (and your blog). It occurred to me that lots of people I know have adopted and walked the journey you all walked and are still walking, but the onset of social media really gave you an opportunity to "let us in" on it. I was captivated, truly. Each morning I couldn't wait to get up and see what happened with your family while I was sleeping. I told people about it. I showed your pictures to people who didn't know you. I ached for you when you were desperate to get home to Jaxon and Jovie. I even subscribed to your feed via text messaging so those last few days, when you were waiting on the judge to sign your final ruling, I could find out immediately (because your afternoon was my morning at work). Your new baby is absolutely beautiful, and I look so forward to following your family's journey now that you are back home and "together", just as you should be.

I loved reading about your visit to your Compassion child, Esther. I'm sort of ashamed to admit that sponsoring a child had never occurred to me in my adult life. Kevin and I have been married 14.5 years, and we'd never even thought about it, much less discussed it. The picture you posted, of Jovie's picture in Esther's home, halfway around the world, moved me so much. And Bethany's blog about it was just so amazing. When she said she'd never be the same after meeting Esther, I knew without a doubt how true that was. I remembered then that my grandparents used to always sponsor a child. When I was a little girl I remember my grandmother showing me the pictures of "their girl" and letting me read the letters she sent them. Both of my grandparents are gone now (my grandmother died this July), and I decided then to look into sponsoring a child. I went to the Compassion website and began looking around. It was so overwhelming to me, because I wanted to help ALL of those kids whose pictures I saw. Finally, I decided to wait a few days, pray about it, and ask God to show me the child He wanted us to sponsor. Part of me was drawn to Peru, because we have a missionary from our church in Lima, Peru. But in a dream a few nights later, God told me that since it was your journey that had "lit the fire" in me to sponsor, I should sponsor a Ugandan child. For several days I looked through the pictures, still wanting to sponsor all of them. I looked at boys the same age as mine (12, 7, and 4). But something kept drawing me to the little girls (probably because I don't have any myself). I looked specifically for girls who'd been waiting longer than 6 months for a sponsor. Then a little girl in a blue dress appeared on my screen. She'd been waiting longer than 6 months. And her name was Esther. I knew she was the one. My grandparents had such a wonderful experience sponsoring a child (probably more than 1, but 1 that I remember), and I can't wait to see how the Lord will bless her, and us, through Compassion.

Just wanted you guys to know. Your journey has been FAR reaching and touched so many. I'm sure I'm only one of many who've been moved by your story. Thanks for that.

What is God challenging you to do? What action steps have you taken to obey the pressing He has on your heart? Don't ignore it, DO SOMETHING!

31 days in the shoes of my daughter

2010-12-14T09:45:00.001-05:00

I don't claim to know how she feels. I never will. Even as a junior higher in a neighborhood and school where I was the minority, I will never have the experiences and be able to relate to the way people make my daughter feel on a daily basis. But I can say that the taste I experienced for 31 days while living in Uganda gave me a perspective I hope I never forget. In Uganda I looked different. I stood out. I was stared down with questioning eyes by every person that passed by me. I felt untrusted and guilty. I was quoted different prices and given less customer service than a person of the common race. They make Tshirts about my skin tone. They even made Tshirts in response to those race naming shirts to laugh at how common the generality of them really are. In Uganda I am a Mzungu. I am white. I didn't fit in visually and I was made to feel like I didn't belong. There were days when I would keep my eyes to the ground so I didn't have to face the stares that felt like accusations. I would walk and try not to notice all the people stopping in their tracks to catch a glimpse and make assumptions about who I am b/c of what skin color I had.

A 28 hour plane trip later the roles have changed.

Little Rock is the capital of Arkansas and has a rich history of Civil Rights issues. It has a diverse culture and is a blended community. Our neighborhood even has almost every race represented within a block area. But even still she stands out. Not b/c she is black but b/c she is black in a white family. If she were walking along with other African people, no one would notice. But with us she gets stares, murmurs and questions. She is too young to notice or care at this point but I pray she will have the confidence to handle this issue with grace some day. I would hate for her to walk down the street trying to avoid the idea that people are looking and making assumptions about her b/c of what skin color she has and how it is different then ours. She isn't some sequel to the movie "Blindside," but a story all her own. She is special, beautiful and the same kind of different as me.

Life with 3

2010-12-13T20:55:00.005-05:00

When I was in Africa I had more down time than I knew what to do with and now life is loud, busy and crowded. I thought Jaxon and Jaydn would have the most issues between them but it seems Jovie is going to be the culprit. Jo, was when we left and still is, a terrible two "princess" kind of girl. She throws tantrums and is bossy most of the time. So for her, this Jaydn "thing" is kind of in her way, if you will. However Jaxon has taken to her amazingly well. He likes having someone to wrestle with that doesn't talk back and whine all the time (yet). Jaydn is working on becoming familiar to her surroundings and life with toys. She still has moments where Bailey (our dog) scares her and then others when she is chasing him in the backyard. Its a mood thing. Most of the time Jaydn is doing well but there are some set backs here and there (IE sleeping, eating, receiving correction etc). Today I went into the attic and pulled out the 4 year old clothes we had since the 3 year old stuff I stocked the closet with just wasn't going to cut it. I need to go shopping for her tomorrow to get her a winter coat, some jeans and long sleeved shirts since it is SOOOOO cold here its painful (said the blood-thinned, former FL girl). I have been blessed to have my mom here since she decided to stay until Wednesday to help me transition into life with 3 kids instead of leaving Sunday with my stepdad. She always knows exactly what I need! Nathan is neck deep in Christmas service planning and rehearsals and basically just hit the ground running as soon as he found out we were coming home. This is always a busy time of year for pastors and when you come into it all late, it feels even more overwhelming. I managed to go to the grocery store, wash and fold laundry today AND cook dinner tonight! These days I will count that a blessing b/c I haven't done any of that in over a month and I have missed home cooked food like crazy! Plus Im a pretty healthy eater and I like to know what is in what Im eating and giving to my family. Tonight's treat was veggie chili with Hawaiian rolls- it was yummy! It feels good to be home.

When I look ahead toward what life will be like from now on I pretty much picture myself as becoming a hermit until I can balance being a mommy of 3. Its horrible timing too since we just moved to Little Rock and I don't really know anyone yet. The "newness" of us being here will fade soon and I haven't even really been here long enough to meet all the people I would like to reach out to. But I trust God will find a way to intersect me with some adult interaction and conversations from time to time.

I have to share with you a funny story about what Jaxon asked Nathan the other night. They were walking through the living room and Jaxon questioned, "If we have another brother or sister come, where are they going to sleep?" I had to laugh b/c Jax and I have been plotting for months to add another boy to our family after Jaydn got home and he was already thinking about where we put the "next one" just days after we got home. I love that kid. Truth is though, I have to figure out this stage first before I can think beyond it. Plus God has it all worked out already anyway.

PS Jaydn is not angry in the above picture. She is yelling the Ugandan equivalent of "cheese" which is "Matoke." I just thought it was classic!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

2010-12-11T15:26:00.006-05:00

Jaydn is a world traveler! When you arrive at the airport in Kampala it is crazy! There is always a crowd and its hard to carry your baggage through a mob. But we managed to get inside. We made sure that Nathan carried Jaydn through security so that if a police officer decided to pick a fight about us having her with us, it would be with him and not me being isolated. We had no problems though-thanks to your prayers Im sure. We provided all the paperwork they needed to let us go by. Our goal was to keep J awake until we got on the plane so we had a few hours to kill with play. She was pretty much delirious by the time we got on so she passed out quickly. We weren't the only ones with a kiddo and it seemed they put us all on the same part of the plane. So although J was asleep 8 of the 9 hours, we were kept awake by the other screamers and criers. When Jaydn woke up she was grouchy and when she gets like that communication is difficult. She becomes very physical which I DO NOT allow so she broke out in her own scream cry about 3 times during the last hour over things like having to keep her seatbelt on or not wanting the arm rest up or down etc. But it was short lived in perspective to what it couldhave been. We kept her entertained during our 4 hour layover in London with a lot walking around, shops, and escalators. I literally spent about 30 minutes in a store called Harrod's pressing the button over and over again that made a stuffed dog in a raincoat holding an umbrella, tap his foot and sway from side to side to the song "singing in the rain." She loved it and drew a crowd as she danced along. We snacked on Starbucks and fruit and then jumped on our plane to the U.S. Like a dream child, Jaydn slept for a few hours, woke up and ate and then crashed again until 30 minutes before we landed. It was a 9.5 hr flight! I could not believe it. My knees were hurting so bad b/c most of the time she was laying her head on my legs and I couldn't move. Nathan and I enjoyed a few movies along the way but not much sleep. We landed in Dallas and it felt so good to be on American soil. Im not a patriotic person but it literally felt different. We made it through customs and then it was on to Immigration. We checked in and then they sent us to "secondary immigration" to have Jaydn approved. We just sat there while they looked though the paperwork in the sealed envelope we brought from the Embassy. Then we were called to the window and they explained what we should look for in the mail and that was it. Easy enough. However by this time we were cutting it close to get to our next flight since we had to recheck our luggage and go through security for the millionth time. But we made it. It was a small plane to Little Rock and Jaydn stayed awake the whole 47 minutes. Nathan and I had butterflies in our stomach we were so excited to see Jaxon and Jovie. We made a pit stop before heading toward the exit. We could hear Jaxon and Jovie talking from afar so Nathan did his "daddy whistle" and they squealed. Apparently we did it too early though b/c the kids came running down the ramp to us and crossed an area that set off the alarm and we had every officer's attention! We hugged and kissed our kids and I cried like a baby. They have grown so much yet they felt so light in comparison to what we had been carrying around the last month. I couldn't get enough of the sight of them. They were so sweet to Jaydn too. They hugged on her and kissed her right away. We walked up the ramp a little more and broke into even more tears when we saw the group of people from our new church with a huge sign saying "Welcome Home Jaydn Gaddis." There were balloons, cards and even more signs and pictures from the group. I made my rounds and gave out hugs and thank you's and the camera's were snapping away at the kids as they interacted with hugs and playfulness. Jaydn cried at first with the balloons but eventually got a little better about it. It was such a blessing to be met by our newchurch family when we got home. They are such a wonderful group of people and I can't wait to dive into ministry and life with them. I missed my Naples peeps though. This was the moment I flashed forward to in my mind when we made the decision to move to LR. I couldn't imagine this moment without my Naples friends there. They had carried us through to this point and I wanted them to experience this too. I shed tears for all the missing faces that I longed to be in the crowd but weren't. Jaydn did great with the crowd and even smiled a few times. The kids fell in love with each other right away. They kissed and hugged often. Only one of our bags arrived from Dallas (funny we can get them from Africa to TX but not from TX to AR). So they said they would bring the other 3 bags to our house when they arrived. As we walked to the car Jax kept calling me "Gigi" and then said, "Sorry, I forgot your name b/c you were in Uganda solong." He didn't mean to but it broke my heart. During the car ride home Jovie and Jaydn held hands from across the car seats-it was so cute. When we got home Jaxon jumped into big brother mode and took Jaydn under his wing and showed her around. They played great together! She isn't a fan of Bailey yet but we expected that. It will come with time. We let the kids play for awhile and then hit bedtime around 9:30pm. Jaydn slept on her bed but in our room until we get her adjusted to the time zone. Then we will attempt the girls sharing a room task!

Overall, it was amazing. She traveled well, Jax and Jo are doing great with the new addition, and we were so blessed by the family and friends that came to greet us upon our arrival. Thus

the story begins...

Tell the story

2010-12-09T11:08:00.004-05:00

Our last day in Uganda was grey and cold. It was so chilly I wore a jacket and jeans! We enjoyed our last Cafe Java run and exchanged our money back to dollars. We had enough money exchanged to last us about 2 more days on our budget-talk about cutting it close. We didn't walk to/from the mall area today b/c of the rain and when it mixes with the red dirt of Uganda it gets really muddy and messy to walk in. We came back to the apartment and our house keeper said something to Jaydn and all of a sudden she ran to Nathan crying and screaming. When I asked what she had said, she explained she had told Jaydn she was "going in the air." Im not sure how she said it or what it mean't to Jaydn but it freaked her out. We just hung out until Dorah, Claire and Jolie from Action For Children came and took us to lunch at Caribou (the Ugandan food we liked many weeks ago). Jaydn became very introverted around such a crowd and wouldn't even eat. Then they dropped us off at the Embassy and we picked up our Visa. The women "came out from behind the glass" to say goodbye to us which mean't so much and we made sure they knew how grateful we were for all of their hard work. They asked that I send a picture of our family when we are all together. It warmed my heart to imagine all of my kids in one photo for the very first time! SO EXCITED TO TAKE THAT ONE! We came back to the apartment and Jaydn and I napped. Then we showered, packed up a few loose things and here we are. Our ride picks us up in 30 min and its about an hour drive to the airport. Not sure how long check in will take but our flight is set to leave at 12:40am. Our first stop is London, then Dallas, where we will go through Immigration, and then Little Rock, AR! Here we come!

Im not naive enough to think that all of you who have been with us since we walked on Ugandan soil are going to be with us when we arrive home in Little Rock, Arkansas. It seems almost like a goodbye of sorts. But for the readers that think our journey to Jaydn is over, you are mistaken. So many changes are ahead as our family becomes whole. We are now the proud parents of 3 kids- as they say we have gone from man on man to zone defense. Two of our children are in their terrible two's and girls no less so that is a guaranteed box of fireworks. Jaxon is now a big brother to two sisters. Jovie is no longer the baby in the house and will have to share her room. Jaydn is no longer an only child. We will be a family. With that step comes many hurdles. Its like when my mom married my step dad, instantly I had a new brother and sister. There is no transition here like a baby coming home from the hospital allows- its cold turkey! Its a different phase of the adoption process though. These will not be the adventures that readers will cling to. These will be the adventures of fusing our lives together in an environment that is new to most of us- we just moved to LR a few weeks before coming to Africa. Jaxon and Jovie are more settled there than we are-so adjustments all around. So the journey is not over in the slightest its only just begun...

I want to leave you with some words Nathan put as his Facebook status the other day. It explains well what our greatest desire is and why we blog everyday and keep as many people informed as possible along the way. This is our prayer:

I do have a request for all who have followed this journey: TELL OUR STORY. Don't tell it for us. Don't tell it because you think what we are doing is a great thing. Don't tell our story just because it inspired you. Tell our story because it is a story only God could have written. And in every good story, the author always gets the credit. Tell the story to give Him glory...to give Him honor...to give others hope.

HE DID IT!

2010-12-08T13:11:00.008-05:00

Today was Nathan's day to wake up with Jaydn (yes that is how we do it-we take turns). So I wasn't too happy when Nathan woke me up by shaking my leg as he talked with someone on the phone about an adoption form. Quickly he hangs up the phone and asks me if we have form XYZ and I said yes we did. Then he informed me that it was the US Embassy on the phone and they were going to call me back to see if we had the right form. I was really confused b/c our Visa appointment wasn't until next week (Dec 15th remember) so why were they asking this now? I started to fall back to sleep when Nathan suggested we get some breakfast so up and at em! Grrrrr. As we were getting ready the phone rang and I spoke with the Embassy rep about the paperwork I had and she said, "Well if you have that then we can see you today at 3pm." I was in shock! "Today? Are you serious?" I asked. "Yes," she said plainly. I couldn't say enough thank you's before she hung up the phone. I told Nathan the news and we both started cheering. Jaydn is getting used to our shenanigans so she had her high five hands ready and kept saying, "Yay!" It was so cute. Our minds started racing at the possibilities. We knew we would definitely be going home this weekend but how soon? Could we make our flight on Friday at 12:40am? Should we change it to Saturday just to be safe? But as we prayed through it we felt like we needed to hold on to our faith and wait. We knew we had until 5pm today to change it and our appointment was at 3pm so we just waited. At the news, Nathan became a new man. His whole demeanor changed and there was a bounce in his step again. Of course we made our way to Cafe Java for breakfast/lunch then hit a few gift shops for some giveaways. We came back to the apartment and prayed away until our ride came and drove is to the Embassy. We truly had butterflies, we were so excited. When we were called to the window again, gratitude poured from our lips for the mere fact we were there TODAY and not next week. We gave them the form they had asked about on the phone earlier and they asked us to take a seat again. The next time we got called in we were informed that they didn't have all of the necessary paperwork to process our file. Apparently our own Homeland Security had sent our approvals to Nairobi instead of Kampala. Because of the paperwork we brought in, they knew we had been approved and now they just had to get the official pages from either Nairobi or the U.S. whoever responded first. They sent us back into the waiting room again. We just sat there completely dumbfounded that after coming all this way, getting this close, our own country made a mistake that could keep us from getting a Visa in time. They called us back into the room and decided they would go ahead and interview us and make us take the oath so that just in case the documents did come, they wouldn't have to call us back another day. After we were questioned about the circumstances of our adoption we boldly asked what the likelihood of us getting our Visa in time for our flight would be. It was 4pm by this time so we knew we had to call and change or have a guarantee from the Embassy we would make it. They couldn't promise anything and we agreed it was out of their hands. So the interviewer suggested we change our flights to Saturday. However they assured us that IF they got what they needed in time, they would work hard on our behalf to get us the Visa so we could leave as soon as possible. We thanked them profusely for all of their generosity and headed out. We talked back and forth about what we should do and both agreed we should go to the British Airways office and see what our options were. We explained our situation to the agent and she calmed our fears and awarded us more time. She said that there was plenty of open spots on all outgoing flights this weekend so if we didn't get our Visa tomorrow, to call before 5pm and they will still change it for us. We asked how much it would be and b/c we are on what they call a "Humanitarian Ticket," it was going to cost us nothing. Wow! We had budgeted for flight change costs and here we were possibly needing to change our tickets for the 2nd time and it was free again! I was getting hungry (that chocolate croissant from Java's wasn't holding me over I guess) so we asked to be dropped off at the mall food court by the apartment. We ordered our food and as we sat our phone rang. It was the woman from the Embassy and she was calling to tell me that they had received what they needed and would be able to complete Jaydn's Visa by tomorrow! WOW! Think I'm done? No way! After we ate dinner we celebrated with the worst cupcakes we have ever tasted and then headed to the apartment. We stopped to talk with the owner and square up our bill since we had overstayed our month of rent and when we asked how much we owed him he said, "Its ok." Its ok? Yep, that's right, he isn't going to charge us for the the extra days we have been at the apartment. Can you believe it!?

He did it! GOD DID IT! Everything that could have possibly gone right today, DID! (Well except E! isn't on the TV tonight b/c the storm knocked out our connection and I wanted to see the season finale of Gulianna and Bill but beggars can't be choosers right?!) Sincerely we stand in awe of how God has moved in our favor, even when we tried to help. See the back story is this: when we announced on FB that we couldn't get a Visa appointment until Wednesday December 15th us and others started coming up with ways we could possibly make that sooner. When we went to bed last night we were planning to go to the Embassy and do a "sit in" just in case someone missed their appointment, we would be there to fill in. If that didn't work, we would try it again on Monday of next week too. We didn't even know if the Embassy would let us do that but we wanted to try. Then other people, in the U.S., wanted to try calling government workers to see if they could get involved and speed things up. We even received an email from a Senator's office this morning (seen after our call from the Embassy) asking for some information so they could try to help. But while we were making all these plans to force the results, God was saying, 'I got this!' It was so obvious from the moment we woke up today that He was doing something much bigger than we could have even attempted to do. We prayed God would show off and today He most definitely did!

We loved telling our kids to count down for 2 days b/c we were coming home. We have packed up our stuff and look forward to our last day in Uganda tomorrow before heading to the airport. While this may seem like the time to back off the prayers, please don't. We now enter into a whole new phase of this journey. First we ask for prayers as we go through airports/immigration etc. Some families have been harassed as they traveled with their Ugandan child. We have done what we can to try and be prepared and be able to provide what we need to in case we get interrogated but we are hoping it doesn't come to that. Secondly we pray that Jaydn does well during the flights/layovers. She has traveled amazingly well up to this point so we pray it continues as long as we need it to- we have 28 hours of travel time ahead of us.

Its so surreal to be at this point! We are going home tomorrow...well technically Friday morning, but we won't be sleeping until then so it feels like tomorrow. Tomorrow, our last post from Uganda- wow.

To God be the glory forever and ever! Amen!

A light at the end of the tunnel

2010-12-07T13:48:00.006-05:00

We got up early and headed to our coffee and croissant spot-Cafe Javas. I realize we go there pretty much everyday and now the waiters know us, but its the most "American" feeling place we can find. It brings more familiarity and comfort than our apartment can at times. So we go there often. Dorah picked us up there around 9:45am and after we made copies of all our official paperwork we drove to the Embassy. We didn't wait long before we were called to the window and asking to schedule our Visa appointment. Apparently they don't schedule appointments on Tuesdays, wish I would have known that, but graciously the woman said she would take our paperwork anyway and see what she could do. By evening we received an email saying that our Visa appointment is scheduled for December 15th at 3pm. That is one week from tomorrow, and not tomorrow like we had hoped. But as I sat with the idea that we would be here another week and a half, I was ok. I cannot speak for Nathan on this issue but I feel like at least there is an end in sight. At the LATEST we will be home next weekend.

Now with that said, I must assure you that I am not going to just sit back and see this Visa appointment as our only hope of going home. Nathan and I have come up with a few ways we can try for an earlier appointment. We will attempt some of those ideas tomorrow and see if God wants to grant us some more miracles while we are here. So keep praying- we are not out of the woods just yet!

It was hard to break the news to my parents over Skype though since they are flying back to FL this weekend and its unclear when I will get to see them again. They made every effort to be there for Jaydn's journey home and b/c we moved from Naples to Little Rock right before we left for Africa, we no longer live close enough to have been able to guarantee that. Nathan's mom will be taking their spot until we get home so continue to pray for stamina and patience for our families as they care for our kids- even though some of you seem to think they are angels, we all know better.

I can't help but feel sentimental about not being home to decorate our new house for Christmas and getting the kids in the holiday spirit with our usual seasonal activities. It seems weird to put our tree up a few days before Christmas and then take it down less than a week later so don't be surprised if our house is still decorated in February...we have lost time to make up for. In the amount of time that we have been gone Jaxon has had 2 school programs and one friend's bday party while Jovie has fallen in love with her new Tinkerbell lunch box and is a Skyping pro since we make her do it almost everyday. Jaydn continues to amaze me with the way she has taken to us and seems content with her new life- although this is merely a glimpse of what is to come. We really wish she would pick up her feet though b/c she trips and falls ALL THE TIME and we walk a lot here so its a constant struggle. I long for the days of pulling out the double stroller again!

So in honor of what we feel like we are missing back home I decided to post these words- painted on our Compassion Child Esther's home/hut wall.

Suffering followed by glory

2010-12-06T12:42:00.005-05:00

I love the way God uses His Word to speak to us if we listen. I have been doing a devotion series every day for over a year and a half and it continues to shock me how often the passages intersect with my current situation. For example, yesterday the Scripture was 1 Peter 1:1-8. In summary it explains how it is "in the fires" that our faith and character are tried and come out improved. Then tonight I read 1 Peter 1:9-16 that explains how suffering is followed by glory. Also, it shared how "hope," in Old English, means "calm assurance."
A calm assurance would be the perfect description of what we had today. We felt it more than any other day. Something was going to happen. During the late hours of the day we encouraged our fading assurance with some of our favorite worship songs via Itunes (IE Forever Reign, Tis So Sweet to Trust, etc.) By 3:30pm we had heard that the judge was in court all day and now he was taking a lunch break. He told his secretary that when he got back he would "look" at the files on his desk (1 of which being ours). So it was then we began praying loudly and often that God would do something miraculous. We prayed 1. that the judge would actually return to the office and not just go home for the day and 2. That he would pick up our paperwork first and sign it before he left work. As we sat at dinner we received a call from Dorah (at 5:45pm)informing us that the judge had in fact SIGNED THE RULING!!! We screamed and cheered so loudly everyone at the place was looking at us like we were insane! I started crying and Jaydn kept repeating, "Yay!" and putting her hand out for a Hi-5. We texted who we could and ate quickly so we could get online and spread the news! A huge weight was lifted from our shoulders today and we are so thankful to God for this news.Because we didn't get the ruling signed until after office hours, we were not able to go to the American Embassy tonight. So first thing tomorrow, that is where we are headed! God has another opportunity to show off once we get there too. We are praying that we will be able to get an appointment on Wednesday (the only day this week they are doing Visa appts) so that at the latest we will be able to leave by Friday night. If God grants us an appointment Wednesday then He could also choose to really show off and get our Visa completed and returned to us by Thursday evening so we could catch our flight at 12:40am Friday morning. It would be awesome not to have to change our flights again, not knowing if British Airways will charge us this time around or not. So miracles are still needed here!

The goal: Get home this weekend. It is definitely possible if God so chooses.

So prayer #1 is: We are able to get a Visa appointment for Wednesday
Prayer #2: We get our Visa processed and awarded by Thursday evening so we don't have to change our flights
Prayer #3 (only applies if #2) doesn't happen: We wont have to pay for another flight change and that there will be availability on a flight out Sat morning.

When we got back to the apartment tonight we celebrated with the hymn Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow and Paul Baloche's song Shaken:

Everything that can be will be shaken
Everything that can be will be shaken
And only You remain
Only You remain

No suffering for the moment
Is pleasant but it brings forth
The peaceful fruit of righteousness
Jesus my righteousness

If our God is for us

2010-12-05T13:20:00.003-05:00

Its hard to know what to post on days like today. We went to church at Watoto and ate at Mwenzo for brunch (again). I wish I could help you feel what a roller coaster this process is. Yesterday we were taking the day as it came and today we are looking past these 24 hours hoping that this will be our last Sunday here. With every week we make the statement "We are going home this week!" People around us used to say "Yes! Thats the kind of faith we want to see!" Now they just look at us pathetically and give a fake smile in response. Needless to say it deflates us pretty quickly. Jaydn and I took a nap- which I mainly do to waste the day. That sounds so depressing but its true. We stayed in and had leftovers for dinner and just hung out. We managed to get E! on the TV tonight so we are basically going to just lose ourselves in the lives of celebrities. We even made a run to the gas station for snacks- ice cream, chocolate, sodas, cookies and Pringles. Its gonna be a big night :)

As always, Nathan and I will be praying and breathing our way through the day tomorrow. We will be keeping our ears peeled for the phone to ring and ready at a moments notice to jump in a special hire car and head to the US Embassy in effort to get an appointment this week. Please pray specifically for these things. Obviously as we cross the 4 weeks away from home mark tomorrow we are anxious to see some movement since its been so full of nothing for about 3 weeks of our stay.

So right now we will just cling to the truth found in the lyrics we sang during worship today:

"If our God is for us,
Then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us,
Then what could stand against?"

Contemplating over coffee

2010-12-04T13:46:00.005-05:00

Today was filled with the aroma of coffee. Nathan and I have always been coffee house type people b/c we love deep conversation and contemplative time together and separately. We love comfy couches and cool art on the walls- all that stuff. No wonder so many people have given us Starbucks gift cards as presents before! Today we met our friend, and fellow member of the Watoto international build team back in 2006, Jo, at a place called 1000 cups. We had heard about this place from several sources so we were anxious to try it out. It was really cool! It had the hippie ambiance that I always LOVE, being a little granola myself. It had a great porch area and antique tea cups lining the walls in tribute to the shop name. We enjoyed our lattes and a doughnut (minus the glaze) while Jaydn slurped up her banana smoothie. We walked across the street to a craft market area and attempted to shop with a two year old pulling us every which way and grabbing any hand she could get a hold of. In public areas we have to keep a tight reign on her b/c I have no doubt she would walk off with a complete stranger and not bat an eyelash. Regardless we managed to get a few items and did a little bartering as well. We picked Jaydn up some beaded/leather flip flops since that is what she is used to and she keeps wearing my rubber ones around the apartment. You should have seen her face when we put them on, it was obvious she felt like a princess! I think she even started walking differently. We realized we were out of money and needed to pay for a ride back so even though I wasn't done wandering, we had to go. Plus it was BLAZING hot and Nathan was wearing a black shirt and jeans. We have found that we didn't pack enough shorts for our trip. We were told that men don't wear shorts here (which is true) and that women only wear skirts (not so true.) We have been made fun of many times for dressing so impractically in the heat and when I explain what we were told to bring they informed me that the women here have come into the 21st century too. I had to laugh when a Ugandan women said to me, "You Americans and all your skirts." I mean, hello.....if you know me you know I don't ever wear skirts in real life. I hate them and dresses. So for someone here to think that me in a skirt is normal is hilarious. Anyway, we managed to talk the driver down into our budget and we got a ride back to our side of town. When we got home Jaydn was sleepy and Nathan has figured out that if you shake her (as if she were in a car) she falls asleep faster. I turned on the TV and magically we had E! Entertainment channel again. Apparently its like a switchboard that they change what channels the apartments in the complex get. We have to request a station if we want to see something specific. So I got roped into the "Keeping Up with the Kardashian's" marathon for a few hours. Nathan thinks is funny b/c I detest shows like these at home but here, it helps me zone out. I didn't even know who the Kardashian's were before I came to Africa and now I'm all invested in their dramatic lives-crazy. As I was watching though, I guess another tenant requested a soccer, here its called futbol, game so mid show I watched it switch over. I guess I will never know if Khloe decided to do the "Id rather be naked than wear fur" photo shoot for PETA or not. How will I go on!? Ha Ha Ha! Just kidding. Jaydn woke up around 4 and we played. She is such an incredible little girl. Every night I put my hand on her before I go to sleep (since she is right next to our bed) and just thank God for the honor and responsibility of being her mommy. I believe all my kids are on loan to me so I pray that God will give me the strength, wisdom and patience it requires to know them individually and intentionally so I can encourage them in the ways of the Lord. As I look at her little face I can't help but feel gratitude for the special call on my life to be a mom. Its SOOOOO hard and SOOOOO uncomfortable for me but that's a perfect place to be if I want to learn dependence on the Holy Spirit! We made the walk to the mall and ate dinner, grabbed a few groceries and picked up some de-worming meds for Jaydn at the pharmacy. They suggested we de-worm her at some point while we were here and we just remembered today :) Then we stopped at our home away from home, Cafe Java, for a chai and an African coffee while Jaydn enjoyed a strawberry milkshake. Its funny how weekends seem easier to get through b/c we know nothing will happen adoption wise so we aren't emotionally waiting for the phone to ring and holding out hope for some good news all day. We are able just to relax and go with the flow without any expectations for the day. Its nice. We talked through all the scenarios of what may happen this next week and what we will do if we get the ruling Monday and how it will change if we don't and when we should change our flights if we need to etc. Like I said, we have stepped out in faith and planned our flight out for this next weekend b/c we are hopeful that will happen!! We talked to our social worker and finally she agreed that if we don't get our ruling on Monday, Nathan can go into the judges office with the lawyer and request it be completed or sit around waiting for it until it is! A peaceful "sit in" if you will. I hope it doesn't get to that point b/c we really don't want to appear pushy but this has become ridiculous and we need to go home. So we have a game plan just in case. No problems getting Jaydn to bed tonight, she just climbed in and I prayed with her and kissed her and she eventually fell asleep without a whimper. I love watching her discover this world and grow in her sense of security with us. The smile on her face just hints of the story that is about to come alive in her. With all my kids I look forward to seeing who they become, what they are passionate about and how they live their story out. I can just imagine the day, a few decades down the road, as Nathan and I sit in the comfy couches of a vintage coffee shop, sipping our cups and contemplating the joy of being the parents of these wonderful people.

To paint a rainbow...

2010-12-04T05:49:00.002-05:00

The rainbow is a symbolic reminder of God's promises. It is something we can look at and instantly be overcome with the calm sense that He is, and always will be, on THE throne! Ive always felt that this adoption journey had so little to do with Nathan and I & so much to do with God telling a bigger story, HIS story. So as I sit and reflect on the comments and responses we have been getting on our blog and FB pages over the past few weeks, I realized that God is painting a rainbow for some of you (us). Through this journey of highs and lows, God is showing Himself faithful. He is indeed a promise keeper. What He says, will come to pass! This journey is just another confirmation to all of us who are willing to see it and be called into remembrance. I hope this daily inner monologue I have typed out in blog form is pointing you upwards. To the things unseen. To the God who was, and is, and is to come. May this journey we are on be a rainbow over your own circumstances and may the calm reminder that He is sovereign, soothe your soul.

To see more photos of the art at the orphanage visit Painting Funky Rainbows

God alone

2010-12-03T13:51:00.005-05:00

First thing on the TO DO list was to call British Airways and find out where their Kampala office was located so we could visit and change our flights back home. They were scheduled for Sunday but without Jaydn's Visa, we are going no where. So I called the office and asked for directions but they told me we could change it over the phone. As I talked to the woman and asked how much it would cost to change things my phone cut out. Without any notice it ended my call with an automated voice saying, "call ended due to lack of funds." You see cell phones here are based on call cards- you buy time and it works until that runs out. I was so frustrated b/c the woman I was talking to had told me they wouldn't charge me b/c of our situation. So I was afraid I was going to lose my deal! I woke Nathan up and we made the trek to the mall to buy phone time. Of course we enjoyed breakfast at Cafe Java while we were there :) I called the BA office again and got another lady and she said my original helper was with a client. I re-explained our case and she agreed to help me too. So we were successful in changing our flights to Friday December 10th at 12:40am. This is really pushing things even though it sounds far away seeing that we don't even have a ruling in our hands yet and we are planning as if we have a Visa appointment scheduled next week. We are going to act in faith though that God will get us home next week. After a long chat over coffee we headed home and just hung out until we ran an errand to another media office building here in Kampala to get an internet stick working for our computer. Internet is touch and go here so we set ourselves up to have a steady connection. Then we just hung out at the apartment again until dinner time. We thought we would change things up a bit and try a new eatery down the street called SALSA'S. I love Mexican food and I was intrigued by the sign that advertised having "the best local Mexican food." HA! We are in Africa! What in the world could local Mexican food look like? Well we were disappointed to say the least to find that 1. they had nothing without meat in it (I am vegetarian) and were not willing to remove meat from items either 2. Everything Nathan tried to order was given the response, "It is finished," which means they didn't have any. So we opted to just get up and leave Salsa's and head to a nearby Italian place. Although it was kind of costly, it was a nice change of environment. We didn't get our ruling paperwork back today and we were so frustrated to hear that the judge hasn't signed any rulings in a few days b/c he doesn't feel like reading through them. Its stuff like this that just sends us into a spin.

As we ate tonight I confessed to Nathan that my prayer life is shaky these days. I keep asking you guys to pray for us b/c honestly, I feel guilty asking God to grant me anything. You see my greatest spiritual weakness is my inner strength. I am a "suck it up and do what you have to do" kind of person so my response to all this has been, "obviously God doesn't want this so just deal with it." Its hard for me to be broken. So when I am praying for our paperwork to be signed I spend most of my time talking to God about motives. Why am I praying for this? Is it b/c I want it or b/c I'm completely dependent on God for it? Technically its both, but my heart leans towards wanting it. I struggle with letting the load get so heavy that I hand it over. Instead I just pull up my sleeves, put my back into it and keep on trucking. I'm scared to think that God will not grant my prayer request until I am empty. I'm scared of what kind of load it would take to break me. Anyway, in the midst of all this transparency I know that my faith is in tact. I believe wholeheartedly that God is true to His character regardless of the circumstances in my life and I pray that my foundation in that is what is really catching me with every fall, not my own strength and will. I'm not even sure if this makes sense to any of you but just know that I am in conversation with God about what this process reflects about the needs in my own personal spiritual growth.

So my prayer is more along the lines of God showing off and receiving all the glory. Not just to all of you who are reading our story but in my own heart. May I not walk away from this journey and ever think for a second that I made it by any strength of my own. So while you pray that we will be brought home next week, I will be praying that I am dependent on Him alone. Together, our prayers could move mountains.

Bittersweet

2010-12-02T12:39:00.003-05:00

Today we woke up to the wonderful news that our friend Natasha was able to pick up her daughter Deborah's Visa today! We were so excited for her but I knew when I went to bed last night that today was her day to go home! She had always said they were going out for ice cream when they got their Visa so we met up with them and loaded up! Afterward Jaydn and Deborah played on the mall jungle gym for a while before heading back to the apartment. Jaydn was so worn out she fell asleep on Natasha so we laid her down in her bed for a nap. The rest of us just hung out, talked, played volleyball in the house etc. It was pretty cool when we met up with my friend Erika on Skype too. She too has adopted from the same orphanage and b/c we both lived in FL we met up several times before we ever came out to Uganda. I fell in love with their family and I'm so glad we are able to keep in touch. Anyway, this story isn't about Erika and I but about Deborah and Erika. I saw that Erika was on Skype so I called her and when she answered I introduced her to Natasha and she got to see Deborah again. Deborah holds a special place in Erika's adoption story b/c she was the one that brought her daughter (Esther) to her when she came to the orphanage. When Erika arrived back in 2009, Esther was sleeping so Erika just sat outside with the mamas. Without notice, Deborah walked up to Erika with Esther in her arms and said, "Here Auntie. This is Esther," and placed her in Erika's lap. Deborah will forever be remembered b/c she played such a special role in the day she met her daughter Esther. So it was really cool to connect them again via Skype! Dinner time rolled around and we let Deborah choose what her last meal in Uganda would be. She chose Indian so we went to the food court and ate our last supper together. This goodbye was bittersweet. I will miss them but I know Deborah's life has only just begun and so much is waiting for her in Wales. I was so happy I cried. I hugged Deborah and told her to be good for her mommy. Then hugged Natasha's neck and made sure she knew how much I loved her. I'm sure we will be in touch on Skype and Facebook so I look forward to watching their lives unfold together!!

Its funny how now that Natasha is leaving we keep getting comments about how we are the next to go home. Um...yeah....we are next b/c we are the only ones left. For the first time since we arrived, we are not connected with any families that are also adopting. Its just us. We still know some people in Uganda but we are the only ones waiting. I know I keep writing about how hopeful we are but I have to be honest and say that tomorrow will be a breaking point for me if we don't get our ruling. At least if we get it tomorrow we have a chance at getting a Visa appointment next week. If we don't... I don't even want to think about it. Nathan is barely hanging on too. Today he had a heated conversation with our social worker on the phone. She keeps saying, "I know how you feel," when in reality she has NO IDEA! She confessed they haven't been working on our case today b/c they have a big meeting tomorrow to prepare for which really set us off. (Does that mean we will be ignored tomorrow too?!?!) She keeps getting frustrated with us b/c we are suggesting ways we could try to speed up the process or put some pressure on but culturally its not acceptable to do that. They are more afraid of bothering someone than they are in expecting people to follow through with what they said they would do. We are at the point where we don't care if people like us, we want them to do their job and send us home. We aren't being mean just tenacious and proactive. So we really need our paperwork tomorrow to carry our hope through the weekend. Please pray LOUDLY and OFTEN for this.

We received word yesterday that there will be a "changing of the guards" at our house next weekend and I really want my mom and step dad to still be there when we get home! After the 13th Nathans mom will return and take over if we don't get back. If my parents aren't there, it is unclear on when they will be able to meet Jaydn in person. I completely understand though- my poor step dad has been home alone for a month and a half off and on with our move and being in Uganda. Our moms have bent over backwards to help cover bases for us at home with 2 of our kids and we know this waiting and not knowing is exhausting for them too. Please pray for them as well.

Thank you again for all your encouragements and prayers. I imagine my daily rambles are getting boring after awhile so if you are still reading along, I appreciate your perseverance! I look forward to the day when all I have to write is WE ARE HOME! I picture all of you putting up the Christmas decor, working in the office, taking the kids to school and life going on as normal as we sit, wait and wait some more. There is no normal here. We long for the mundane routine and busyness of a daily life that we so often took for granted. I can't wait to plop on the couch and complain about being a stay at home mom with 3 kids (2 of which are in their terrible two's and girls no less). I look forward to arguing with Nathan about how he never does the dishes and makes me tea like he did in Africa. I anxiously await catching glimpses of my 3 kids playing well together and making each other smile and laugh. I will even take joy in the moments they are at each others throats and I have to separate them into 3 different rooms of the house. That's the good stuff people! Life is so bittersweet!

Making the most of it

2010-12-01T11:36:00.003-05:00

Our original plans for the day were canceled by 9am so I just made it up as I went along. We went to our coffee shop, Cafe Java, for criossants and coffee and had a surprise visit from our social worker Dorah. She brought us the half of the ruling we got from the judge yesterday, along with Jaydn's passport and relinquishment letter from the orphanage. We talked her ear off about how frustrating this "lack of standard procedure" method this government has, is for western thinkers. What she calls patience, we consider passivity. Its just different. We assured her we trusted her work effort, just not the other people that are in our process b/c things aren't happening the way they could be. She explained that during this time of year, many workers are preparing things for next year and finishing up their 2010 files. So we are not as much of a priority as their daily work is-surprise surprise. So we are still waiting for the rest of the ruling to be typed up and signed so we can apply for a Visa appointment. We are PRAYING HARD that we will be able to get one on Monday or Wednesday so we can be home by the weekend. If we don't, its another week and a half of waiting. While we are talking about prayers and Visas- please throw up a prayer for my friend Natasha from the UK. Its possible that her Visa will be available tomorrow so please pray that it is there and she and Deborah can go home finally. She has already been here over 5 weeks so I really do hope they get that gift tomorrow. Although we will miss them like crazy, I want the best for them and that means HOME!!! Thanks ahead of time for sharing your prayers on their behalf. Talk about segways...while we were at Cafe Java with Dorah, Natasha and Deborah came to meet us and they walked back to our apartment for a day of hanging out. With the rain we couldn't try out the playground we had planned so stopped at a bookstore and got some paints and paper and let the girls be artistic. We played Play-Doh, painted pictures, ate snacks while Wall-E played in the background. Once the rain cleared we headed outside for bubbles and chalk. The bubbles didn't blow well at all so it turned into chalk games more than anything (IE hopscotch and tic tac toe). Jaydn caused us to keep a tight eye on her since she was really trying to get into the pool, clothes on and all. Guess getting her over her fear of water is coming back to bite us a bit. Then we called a taxi and headed to the mall for dinner. It was pasta and pizza night for our little crew. With a quick stop to grab water from the grocery store, we headed back. The day seemed to drift which I am thankful for b/c we have so many days left here. Like I said before, Nathan and I are REALLY REALLY HOPEFUL that we will get the rest of the ruling either tomorrow or Friday so we can at least get a Visa appointment scheduled! We will have to change our airplane tickets by the 3rd and we pray we will know when our appointment is so we can guess as close to reality as possible. Otherwise we will have to change/pay for them more than once and that is not preferable. Plus with Christmas coming, flight prices are on the rise. So a lot of variables and a lot of factors to consider and pray for.
I want to leave you with this devotional my mom sent me via email today. It articulates our heart about this process really well:

How do we wait for God? We wait with patience. But patience does not mean passivity. Waiting patiently is not like waiting for the bus to come, the rain to stop, or the sun to rise. It is an active waiting in which we live the present moment to the full in order to find there the signs of the One we are waiting for.

The word patience comes from the Latin verb patior which means "to suffer." Waiting patiently is suffering through the present moment, tasting it to the full, and letting the seeds that are sown in the ground on which we stand grow into strong plants. Waiting patiently always means paying attention to what is happening right before our eyes and seeing there the first rays of God's glorious coming.

Enhance the Blog Reading

2010-12-01T07:49:00.002-05:00

If you want to enhance the reading of this blog, please follow us on this journey through Facebook as well. It has hundreds of pictures and status updates throughout our day. Follow Nathan HERE and Bethany HERE.

Just friend request us and we would be more than happy to accept so you can see a bit more of our story and incredible journey God has us on.

Meet my goat

2010-11-30T14:31:00.005-05:00

Today was the perfect way to distract ourselves from the frustration of dealing with the judge and adoption stuff. Normally you have to give Compassion International 8 weeks notice if you want to meet the child you sponsor but we didn't have enough time (remember I got the call to be in Uganda in less than 2 weeks!?) So even though we weren't able to give them the right amount of notice, they made it happen and today we went. All we knew was that we would be driving for 4 hours to her Compassion Project site and that our ride would be picking us up at 6am. I wanted to assume that mean't Ugandan time (7:30am) but we set our alarm for 5:30am anyway. We packed snacks, all the gifts and clothes we brought her, some groceries for her parents and some toys for her siblings too. We kept looking out the window but no one had pulled into the parking lot. So Nathan and I just laid back down and waited. We were smart enough not to wake up Jaydn until our ride actually got here to give maximum sleep to her. I looked at the clock and it was 7am. I called the number I was given for the Compassion Uganda offices and a man named Chris answered so I asked him where our driver was. He said he was at our apartment and I promised him he was not and that we had been awake and waiting for over an hour. Chris decided to give me the number for our driver and when I called him we figured out that he was waiting but at the wrong place. So about 7:30am we actually got underway to the project. Jaydn is an amazing traveler. If she wasn't sleeping she was just looking out the window or playing with her books, snacking and singing. Nathan and I are so grateful that our longest trip with her (our plane rides home) will be before Jaxon and Jovie have a chance to teach her how to complain or require more entertainment. Some of the roads we were taking were CRAZY! They were not made for cars and had HUGE rocks and pits in them. So for about 30-45 minutes of the trip, we were being slammed into the windows, catching air between our bums and the seat, and jamming our head into the roof over and over again. It was great! When we pulled up to the project the children began cheering and running toward our car. They had our sponsor child, Esther in hand and she was the first to greet us. It is custom here for females to bend their knee when they greet a man or a guest so she did that as she shook our hands. The smile on her face was precious. Nathan and I were in awe of how much more beautiful she is in person than the picture we've had on our fridge for so long. About 30 children just stared at us as we made our way into the project office. We were sat in a room with two desks and a computer playing Christian music and they introduced us to the staff and Esther's father Fred. James, the project head, led us all in prayer and we felt like such honored guests. James said we needed to have breakfast first and then he would show us around. By this time it was 12pm but we didn't argue. There were only a few choices, bananas, bread and butter, boiled eggs and chapati. To drink we had black tea or milk. I have come to learn that I LOVE chapati! Jaydn scarfed down some bread and an egg while I enjoyed a banana, chapati and tea. Then James took us around the project grounds and explained that the church on site was named after the first missionary to bring the Gospel to Uganda- Bishop Hanington. He showed us the memorial tree in his honor, the school rooms, the play area etc and we met the head master of the school there as well. Where we were was right on the border of Uganda and Kenya and the view was magnificent! Then we had the privilege of walking up on a choir rehearsal under a nearby tree and I asked if they would sing for us and they did- it was so great! My eyes started tearing as they sang "welcome visitors" to us many times accompanied by some more words I could not understand. We got a video of it though so I can always remember it. Then it was time to meet Esther's family and see her home. They drove us down the road a little bit with Esther and two of her closest friends sitting as close as they possibly could to me. Nathan and I noticed Jaydn was getting a bit jealous and would do what she had to and inch her way in somehow. It was a good sign of progressing attachment (I think). As we were driving up I looked ahead and there was a crowd of 20 people, all different ages, singing and clapping for us as we arrived. It was amazing! As we got out of the car they kept singing and inserted my name into the song. It was so cool. As the people sang, Esther handed us wild flowers in sprite bottles as a gift. It was the most honoring thing I have ever experienced. Its important to know that Esther is one of 8 children. She falls in the middle and has 3 other sisters and 4 brothers. She also has some step family from a former wife Fred had- you can imagine how I felt about that one :) They led us into their home, literally a mud hut that people imagine everyone lives in in Africa. There was not enough space for all the people that were there so they just introduced the family one by one then sent a group out and brought another in. We met all the kids, the step kids, the parents, the grandmother, the aunt and her kids, the neighbors....it was incredible. Then they brought out the letters we had written to Esther. It was so cool to see that they had really made it to them and they had every picture we sent of our family and each drawing from the kids that we had sent too. It was a major confirmation that these letters really did matter to these people across the world. I know we cherish ours from Esther and look forward to each and every one! Then everyone cleared out and James offered us some fruit (papaya, mango, bananas and avocado) sitting on the table in honor of our visit. We had learned a long time ago that it is offensive to not accept a gift from a person of another culture so we always plan to say yes to remain respectful. Something you should know about us though is that neither of us like avocado-its gross. We want to like it, b/c its a good fat for your body but we have only liked guacamole on 2 occasions and that is as close as we have ever been to liking an avocado. But I decided to be nice and eat the smallest sliver on the platter. They recommended I sprinkle some salt on it so I did and then took a bite. I looked up at Nathan and said, "This is really good." So he decided to try some (kind of like Eve eating the apple first) and LOVED it. He ate about 4 more slices right after that. Jaydn loved the avocado as well while I munched away on the mangoes. The papaya wasn't quite ripe yet so it was just ok. Then we were surprised to learn next up was lunch. We had eaten "breakfast" 30 minutes ago at the office remember? James explained that was just a snack after our long travel, now we were going to eat. All the women of the family carried in platter after platter of a variety of food. They had chicken, greens, cabbage, some bread type thing called casava, white rice, more boiled eggs and water from the nearby well. It was quite a spread. James remembered from my letters that I was a vegetarian so he informed me it was ok if I didn't eat the chicken. I was so glad to hear that! Everyone chowed down expect Nathan and I, we took it easy since we had just eaten two meals just minutes before. Plus it did not taste good at all. Jaydn loved the greens though while I enjoyed the cabbage the most. Finally we finished eating and went outside to give Esther the gifts we had brought her and her family. We explained each toy and food and showed them some dresses we brought and the whole crowd was hanging on our every word. The girls lit up when they saw the bracelets and hair clips. The boys enjoyed the balloons. We threw the frisbee around with the kids for awhile and then James told us the family wanted to give us something too. They made Esther give it to us and I was so surprised and joyful to see it. It was an adorable all black goat! I asked James if they were serious and he assured me they were. I explained that I loved it very much ( I did, I had been petting him and fixed the rope when he got it caught on his foot) but that I could not take it b/c they would never allow him on the airplane with me. James passed the info along to Esther and the family and they understood so instead they brought us some fruits from their farm. They wouldn't let us leave without naming the goat so Nathan suggested we name it BaileyBoo after our dog. I asked Esther to take care of BaileyBoo and keep me posted on how he is doing in our letters. She smiled and said she would. Then we took a few pictures and I called for a group hug. I have never experienced such a touching reception and gathering of people in our honor. They gave speeches explaining their gratitude, served us in their home, and gave me a goat for crying out loud! We were so humbled. I wanted to stay and spend more time there but we had another long drive back to Kampala so we needed to head out. We shook hands, hugged necks, and kissed foreheads until they dragged us away. The ride back was made even longer b/c of traffic but still Jaydn was a stud and didn't mind a bit. I am still glowing from our time in the village/project today. It has radically transformed the way I look at our letter exchanges and relationship to this African family. I look forward to checking up on BaileyBoo the goat and her siblings/mom/dad/grandma/aunt/cousins/friends/neighbors etc. It was a special time and I thank God it worked out for us to be able to go. I will never be the same.

As we arrived back in Kampala, we received news that we got 1/2 of what we need from the judge and Dorah was able to get Jaydn's passport- YAY! We are still waiting for the error the judge found the other day, to be fixed and the full ruling to be retyped accordingly so we can apply for a Visa appointment. We are hopeful that even with the backlog of the Embassy not holding any appointments this week, that we will be able to get one either Monday or Wednesday so we can head home by the end of next week. We are grateful to see that progress is indeed taking place finally so we can only wait and see how long now until we get to schedule our flights home!

Gotta go to bed now, my head is throbbing from being slammed into the car roof during our 4 wheeling adventure today. I sure wish I could have brought my goat home though-he was so cute!

*for more pictures and status updates, please follow our journey on Facebook too. Nathan's and Bethany's*

Tears of faith

2010-11-29T13:17:00.004-05:00

7:30am....the phone rings....8am....the phone rings, neither of which gives us any news regarding the adoption. Jaydn and I got up and then Nathan suggested we head to Cafe Java for some morning grub. So we walked the walk we take everyday and I enjoyed a chocolate croissant with a Chai and Nathan got pancakes and coffee. Jaydn munched off of both even though she had eaten at the apartment before we left. We traveled to the other "mall" where Nathan allowed me some time alone to peruse the bookstore while he entertained our munchkin. He actually ran into the UK family we spent the day with on SAT at ARA so we swapped contact info and planned to meet up with them again at their house some time this week. I am looking forward to it b/c they are doing some great work here and I feel compelled to do what I can on the American side as well. From then on the good mood for the day slipped away. Jaydn was a pistol on the walk home. She expects us to carry her the entire time every time and that is just not always possible. We got home and put her down for a nap which she obviously needed but was determined to fight. Finally she gave in. During the hours she slept we received the news that the US Embassy person in charge of Visa's was out of town for the week. So even if we got the paperwork we needed, there would be no chance of getting a Visa appointment this week. Our hopes were dashed to be home by the weekend. I had told Nathan earlier today that up to this point I was doing ok but that if things continued to go badly, my emotions were on the edge of my skin and I would either scream or cry at the next bout of bad news. So when I heard the news this afternoon about the Visa I was pissed. I know God's timing is perfect and He has this all worked out but it still sucks. I believe God is ok with me feeling that way too. It doesn't negate my faith or give doubt a foothold in my life, its just what I am experiencing and I know God desires honesty more than hypocrisy from me so there it is- raw and real. I managed to hold back any overt emotions but inside I was stewing. Jaydn woke up from her nap and we played around until our Skype phone rang and Nathan started talking to my mom. In the moment I heard my mommys voice, the tears started to come. I tried to choke them in but I knew I could not come to the computer and see her or I would lose it. Then Nathan said, "Do you want to talk to your daughter." Inside I was screaming "NO!" But of course I got up and made my way over. Before I even sat down the floodgate opened and I was a blubbering mess. I kept apologizing to my mom but honestly this was the first time I was allowing myself to feel anything. This instinctive response to my mom on a computer made me value our relationship even more than ever before. How is it that I can keep it together for my kids, my husband and everyone else but become a puddle when I am in front of my mom? I know its b/c I feel safe with her. Not that I don't feel safe with the other people in my life but my mom has always been my caregiver. Long before I had little girls of my own, I was her little girl and I could always cry on her shoulder. She has a specialness in my life- a place of my heart that can always be exposed to her b/c she has proven over and over again she will love me through everything I experience in life. It prompted me to pray and ask God to help me build that sense of vulnerability and trust with my girls too over the course of their lives. I am so blessed. As I was weeping, our driver arrived to take us to dinner with our friends Natasha and Deborah. They found out they were going to have to wait longer than expected for their Visa today so we were all in bum moods and needed to get out and be distracted by company. Nathan and Jaydn made their way to the car while I said goodbye to my mom and I tried to gather myself before greeting our friends. I am an ugly cryer so there was nothing I could do about my red face and bloodshot eyes but at least my cheeks were dry :) We traveled into town and ate at place called Sam's. They had crocodile on the menu but I opted for a black lentil dish with spices and a side of cheese Naan bread. It was Yum! As always our conversations were great and we just love having these precious people to share these struggles with. I broke out the glow bracelets and gave them to the girls and they were fascinated by them all the way back to our "Ugandan homes." I forgot to mention that our social worker Dorah called us on the way to dinner and despite the fact that she sat in his courtroom all day, the judge didn't sign our paperwork. I guess he looked at it late in the day and found an error and made the secretary retype it again. Dorah is hopeful he will sign it tomorrow, but let's just say Im not holding my breath but will be happy if he does. We got to Skype with Jax and Jo this evening and mom shared with us that Jaxon asked her if daddy would still play with him when he got home. Nathan talked to him intentionally and assured him that he was still our favorite little boy to play with. We want to hug them so much! Im sure a few weeks after being home we will go back to complaining about life with 3 kids but I much prefer a life with all three than life with 1 or just the other 2. We want all 3 and in 1 place. Another aspect of our anxiousness to be home is that home is new to us now. We only lived in Little Rock for 2 weeks before we left and despite how together our home is, we are not settled in to life there yet. We want to dive into ministry with those people and are anxious to partner with that community to grow the Kingdom. We want our kids to know what life is like at a new school and church WITH mommy and daddy more than they know life there without us. We have officially lived in Uganda longer than we have lived in Arkansas-weird. Tomorrow marks the 3 week milestone and obviously we are frustrated that we are no where close to coming home than we were 2 weeks ago.

We do have something very exciting to look forward to tomorrow though! We are traveling (4 hrs one way) to Busia to meet the girl we sponsor through Compassion International. We have been writing letters back and forth saying we would see her one day and finally, the day is here. They tell us we will meet her at the Compassion project she attends then see her home and meet her family then all go to lunch. We will head back to Kampala in the late afternoon and get home in time for bed! I can't wait to see Akinyii Esther tomorrow. Thankful it has worked out for us to be able to be with her.

Please hear me when I say we are not hopeless in Uganda. But even if I tried to articulate for you what it feels like to be in our shoes, it simply isn't possible for you to fully understand. But we still believe God is God and God is Good. Our faith has not been shaken but we are frustrated and annoyed. I'm pretty sure God is frustrated and annoyed too so for now we will take comfort in that. There is plenty of room for tears in my faith.

A super size hope

2010-11-28T11:56:00.005-05:00

Today's message at church was knowing Christ through His works (last week was through His word). The opening story was encouraging us not to just settle for small, mustard seed hope, although that's all God needs to do amazing things. Not just to seek medium, large or extra large faith but to experience what God can do even more so with SUPER SIZE HOPE. I have super size hope that tomorrow the judge will sign our papers early enough for us to get all the other little details worked out and we can get into the Embassy tomorrow and get a Visa appointment for Wednesday. I have super size hope that our Visa appointment will go smoothly and we will be granted a Visa and able to leave the country by Friday night at the latest. I have super size hope I will be holding all three of my children by this time next week!

As if going to Watoto church wasn't wonderful enough, I happened to run into a girl that was on our international build team back in 2006 when we were in Uganda. Her name is Jo and she is from Australia. She sat with us and afterward went to lunch with us. It was so great to catch up! She has been volunteering off and on at Watoto church since we came back in 2006. Last time she was here she worked with the babies home for a year, then went home for a while, and this time she has been working with Watoto 360- a discipleship program for after high school aged students. She heads home in 20 days. It was so cool to sit back and think about how so many people from the build team have returned to Uganda to do some sort of work here. Testimony that this country grips your heart and doesn't let go. The red dirt gets in your veins and you are forever destined to be connected with this place. Jo told me that she never goes to the 10am service (usually goes to the 2pm with her 360 team) but that today her group had to be elsewhere so she decided to come early. I know why she was really there though- thanks God for crossing our paths today! It was so great to see her.

We had lunch at our Sunday usual Mwenzo buffet and I enjoyed another waffle and pineapple juice. We had so many friends at our table: Nathan/Jaydn/I; Jo-from our build team; Claire- from Action for Children; Natasha and Deborah- our UK friends also waiting for a Visa to get home; and another Jo- she works at An Open Door organization in UK and came to Uganda to volunteer at the orphanage here. I looked around and was so amazed at how God has provided so much company for us during our stay. When we thought for sure we would be here alone and all the other Holt families would have moved on (since we were the last of the original 7 families), we were proven so wrong. The Byerly's were a HUGE part of us feeling comfortable in this country. They have since gone home with their precious one, but were our sanity while they were here. Then, right before they left, God ordained our meeting Natasha and Deborah randomly in the mall one of the first few nights we were here and prompted her to give me her contact info. We have been together almost everyday for the past few weeks and we even joked around today about how it feels more like family than new friends. I have super size hope they are going home in the next few days and I am looking forward to our ice cream celebration in honor of their departure! As we have been here God has crossed our path with so many other faces and stories, at church, from our 2006 build team, through Action For Children/An Open Door, even in coffee shops at odd hours. God has done well in helping us not feel as alone in this process as we could have felt. Thank You God for friends and new faces- they have blessed us beyond measure. Then there is our online community- WHEW! We are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses! THANK YOU!

After lunch and a quick rain that made the air much cooler, we headed back to the apartment. Jaydn was visibly tired so we laid her down and she was out. I decided to join her and rested myself- Im liking this midday nap stuff. I was just laying around in the room when I heard Nathan talking childishly to the computer so I assumed he was Skyping the kids and I was right! I came and joined him and caught a glimpse of the cutest boy and girl I have ever seen. I am so grateful for my mom and Nathans parents being able to fill the gaps our being gone has left. Can't wait to tell them over Skype that we are coming home!!!! Soon and very soon, according to my super sized hope. After our chat with the Little Rock crew, I started making some garlic noodles for dinner while Nathan ran to the gas station to get some snacks.

Notes from snacks we have tried so far:
- Bar B Q chips are nasty.
- Chocolate Chip Cookies are made with Wheat flour :)
- Stoney (their brand of Ginger ale or Ginger beer as it is known here) is really gingery and strong and the last sip makes you cough.

Jaydn woke up from her nap about 4 hours later and joined us in time for dinner. Now its time for some play, even though normally we would be putting her to bed. Super sized hope tells me tomorrow will be a good day though.

What size is your hope this evening?

We are all learning attachment

2010-11-27T11:38:00.005-05:00

Of course, when we have to actually be up and ready by certain time, Jaydn decides she wants to sleep in. Last night we received a call from Natasha informing us of a place called ARA (American Recreation Association) that she was told to try out sometime. So we decided...today was the day! The taxi picked us up at 9:45am and we drove to a random opening in a wall with a security guard out front, a small sign indicating it as ARA. We walked in and I did the talking (being the American and all). We learned it was a club you have to be or know a member of to be able to enjoy. We convinced the woman to let us in but had to leave our passports with her which made us nervous. We wandered in and passed through a cafe area to a table where we were asked to pay $5 per person to use the facilities. We found our way to the pool and we could see tennis courts, a playground, a workout gym area, and a lot of outdoor seating in cabana/tiki type structures. I felt like I had to explain to Natasha (from the UK) that this felt like a resort even to us Americans compared to our usual Uganda scene. Here they had a kids pool and FINALLY Jaydn trusted us enough to get in. She loved splashing around and being wet. The water was freezing but she and Deborah didn't care. It was us Mzungus that shivered and complained. B/c Nathan doesn't really "do" water (it has to be a certain temp, clear enough to see the bottom etc) I floated around with Jaydn for the time we were there. We took a break for lunch in one of the cabanas and it was delicious. Its really funny though b/c you can always expect that what you ordered will most likely have something different than what the menu says about it. For example, I get a loaded salad at one place and the description says it has cucumbers, olives, feta, and mango. Well it comes with cucumbers, olives, feta, tomatoes and avocados every time. So when you order, you always hope its close to what you want to eat. The hummus and salsa with pita chips was delish and Nathan ordered a "mud pie" that we devoured as well. YUM! We watched from our perch as the American children at the pool played frisbee and we rested. Then back in the water for some more splashes!

I forgot to mention we were joined today by a family that has been living here for 3 1/2 months from Wales. They were so great to spend time with. They are here working with the orphanage Jaydn came from to better the environment these children are in. I am so grateful for their sacrifice, to uproot their 3 kids and come here to make other children's lives better. In some ways I want to stay and fight with them for what is right and to help them raise the standards of care for children in these orphan institutions. It was inspirational to be with them today. Finally we looked at the clock and it was 4pm so we decided we should probably call a taxi to come and pick us up to head back to the apartment.

We ate dinner, laughed at Nathans farmer tan then caught up with the family on Skype. Poor Jovie is sick and looked pitiful on screen. I asked if I could pray for her and she said yes so we prayed. When I opened my eyes, she looked on the brink of tears and as I said, "I wish I could hold you right now," she said, "Mommy I want to play with you." I almost lost it. I want to play with her too. I miss them so much. Jaxon has a Christmas program coming up this week so that makes 2 major school events that I have missed. It just kills me to think that way and I know in the long run it won't matter but for now it does to me, and I believe, them too. I love all my kids and I still believe the best thing we could have done was to leave them at home but it doesn't feel good to be torn in half like this. We need to go home soon.

I wish I had more news on the adoption front but its the same as yesterdays post so pray that A LOT happens on Monday and steps will be moving us forward from now on. Until then, we will make the most of this. Today I did learn from another mom that adopted that I should not let Jaydn approach other women/men, including the "safe" ones until we have established that we are her parents. She says that is how we teach attachment. So today when Jaydn would go and sit with or hug on other women I would go and get her and explain I was teaching my newly adopted daughter about attachment, then lead her away. Even Deborah helped me with this as towards the end of the day, in the kiddie pool Jaydn would start walking towards the other women in the water saying, "Auntie" and Deborah would lead her away from them and towards me and I would say, "No, not Auntie. Stranger. Stay with Mommy." So although I am use to allowing kids to explore their surroundings, I need to keep a tighter reign on Jaydn until she figures out not all women are to be created equal. So don't be offended if I come to the U.S. and don't pass her off very often. I have to be intentional about teaching her that if she needs help, love, comfort etc that she comes to me or daddy only.

As I teach her about attachment, I learn more deeply the importance of attachment to God. When we need help, love, comfort etc, we don't need to seek advice, a boyfriend or a hug, we need our Daddy. So like Nathan posted as his facebook status the other day, "We are pressing into HIM with all that we have."

"Life" from her perspective

2010-11-26T12:52:00.013-05:00

Jaydn woke me up early today (7:30am) which was surprising since she didn't go to sleep until almost 11pm. She was grumpy too which to be honest, made me grumpy. Why wake me up if you were just going tobe unhappy no matter what I did? I tried to play, feed and entertain her but nothing helped. At about 10:30/11am we decided she needed to rest so we laid her down and she crashed. There is NOTHING to do at the apartment expect get online and during our day, America is sleeping so its not as enjoyable to web surfand Facebook stalk. Especially since everyone's status was about shopping BLACK FRIDAY sales today (something I never got into). Nathan got bored quickly and I recommended him going somewhere to get out of the apartment. He took me up on it and went to a cafe we have grown to love at the Oasis Mall area. Apparently he met some really interesting people from Pennsylvania that were here doing a photography project. I wish I could have talked to them too b/c that SO sounds like something I would love to do. Along the same vein, Nathan purchased a book called Hope in the Dark by Jeremy Cowart. I remember seeing it around in the US and being interested in it but I never got around to looking it up. Its a great book filled with photographs of African people and messages of hope and perspective amidst the opposing pages. Its a beautiful work. It costs $20 at home and he paid $9. Love it! My loving Keiki also came back with a Chai tea in hand so I was double grateful. For some reason Jaydn woke up from her nap crying today and Im not sure if she had just forgotten where she was or what but I managed to calm her down. Her mood was MUCH better so we played around until Daddy got home and Mommy could escape to the shower. Or at least I tried to. You would think I would know by now that mommies don't get to be alone...ever! We can't shower alone, pee alone, sleep alone...you name it and its more than likely there is a child involved somehow. So although I sought some "away" time I ended up sharing the water with Jaydn until she pulled the shower curtain down and made a wet mess of things. As I tried to dry and flat iron my hair, which here I have to do in the kitchen with the microwave as my mirror b/c of outlets and converters, I kept getting pulled away with something Jaydn wanted my attention or help for. Finally I completed the task, although it took much longer than it should have and laid myself down on the bed for a rest. Just then my adorable husband bounds in with the figures of how much money we have left and how many days we can stay here if we only spend a certain amount per day. I assured him that we would not need to stay until our money ran out, that I was hopeful we would be home next week! And I am holding onto that hope despite the issues we have had today.

As far as the adoption goes, we were called at around 2:45pm and told that the judge had "promised" to sign our paperwork by 3pm. Once it got into our lawyers hands our amazing social worker Dorah would go to work and take it to the orphanage to get a release signed, find a notary to finalize the paperwork, then grab Jaydn's passport from the other office and give us a call when she was done. Unfortunately the judge did NOT follow through with his promise and told our lawyer that he is behind on paperwork and didn't get to ours by the time he wanted to leave the office. So nothing. I felt so bad for our social worker as she was audibly upset and sad on the phone that once again the African judicial system was putting a bitter taste into our mouth. Its still possible that if he signs it early enough on Monday we can get all those other steps done and get into the Embassy and try to get the soonest Visa appointment they have available. So please pray along those lines.

Despite the bad news, we enjoyed another great evening with our UK friends Natasha and Deborah (waiting for the Visa from the British Embassy). Tonight we planned for bowling. It was hard to find the entrance to the cleverly named Alley Gators Bowling Alley but once inside it was pretty similar to an American Bowling alley. They don't have bowling shoes though, they just tell you to take off your shoes. Also the screens weren't working so we had no idea what the score was or what frame we were on but we didn't really care. The goal was to help Deborah (9) have fun! I think she did too! The sounds made Jaydn nervous at first but after awhile she loosened up and started rolling a few balls down the lane herself. There was also a dance club feel about the place with the thumping music and strobing lights. So Deborah, Jaydn and myself hit the dance floor after our game and cut loose for awhile. We shared dinner together and true to form, Jaydn grabbed the legs of strangers in the restaurant which makes me feel so awkward. Especially after one guy made a comment that she must not be comfortable with me since she keeps seeking his hand and attention. As they say, my "mama claws" came out and before I lashed out or cried I took Jaydn outside and waited for Nathan to pay the bill. We took a taxi back and here we are.

Like I said, we are still hopeful that the judge will do the right thing and sign, and whatever else he has to do, our paperwork early Monday so we can make some progress next week. I can't believe December is just around the corner since we have spent the majority of November on the other side of the world. When we get home, everything will look like Christmas- America will truly look magical to Jaydn then eh? Please be patient if our Christmas cards arrive late this year- Our #1 priority is to make sure our WHOLE family is at HOME and TOGETHER for the photo shoot :)

I want to share with you some words I stole from my friend Natasha's blog in regards to how all this waiting effects our kids. I thought it was a perfect way to put things.
"It must be lovely to see this whole process through the eyes of our children, as we carry all the trials and tribulations, while they play, care free with each other. They must find it strange when they see us on these 'downers'. I hope they feel our faith that we have the knowledge, we will be moving from here soon and making way to their forever homes."

So my focus from now on is, how am I exemplifying the right way to handle frustration and stress to Jaydn? Obviously she can't fully understand what is happening or even that our journey has more to it than just life in this apartment, Skyping with other kids and people on the computer while sharing meals with Natasha and Deborah at the mall from time to time. She doesn't know that THIS ISN'T IT!! There is so much more coming her way. So much love and family and life on the other side of these trying weeks. But b/c she can't understand all that, I have to stay aware of what I am teaching her about the world and the parents she has been in the care of for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I don't want her to think we are anxious and sad people so I have to protect her from the image we may be portraying during this wait time. I want to show her faith under pressure and hope despite practicality. I want her to see trust beyond reason and joy in the midst of stress. I want her to know NOW that her parents are sold out to God's ultimate purpose and plan whether its comfortable or not.

So pray:
1. Pray that we will be examples of faith and trust in God during these difficult days.
2. That the judge WILL sign the paperwork early enough on Monday for us to get the other pieces in place so we can get into the Embassy and get an appointment.
3. We get rest during sleep and comfort from our time in the Word to sustain us during this wait.
4. For Jaxon, Jovie and my mom as they continue to do daily life without us.

We haven't had our nightly tea in a few days so I think I'm going to go "put the pot on" and settle in with my evening devotional and a snuggle on the couch with my hubs. Not sure what we will do this weekend- I'm sure church is in there somewhere though :)

So much to be thankful for

2010-11-25T12:14:00.003-05:00

Today we woke up knowing it was a day to be thankful! So we were determined to make the most of the opportunities we had and enjoy them! Even though they don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK, our friends Natasha and Deborah knew from our conversations that today was big family event back in the U.S.. So they came to our apartment bearing gifts this morning: a bag of popped popcorn. We munched a little then headed down to the pool for some water play. Deborah and Nathan quickly got into a water fight and Jaydn got into the hot tub (warm tub) more today than ever before. Glad to see her becoming braver around bigger amounts of water- she loves baby tubs but is afraid of the pool or hot tub. I tried to lay out a little but there were some creepers staring at me from an apartment window just behind our complex so it was totally awkward. They didn't even try to hide their gaze, just looked right at me the entire time. After awhile we came in, changed clothes and headed to the mall for our Thanksgiving feast. I ordered a bean and cheese tortilla, served of course with "chips" AKA fries. Everything is served with fries on the side here, its hilarious. Nathan and Jaydn got the veggie lo mein noodles and cashew nuts with garlic sauce. For dessert we made our way to another cafe and they didn't have any of the flavors of ice cream we wanted from the menu just chocolate, strawberry or vanilla so we ventured elsewhere for some milkshakes. I got the expresso one and Nathan got the banana chocolate. We "feasted" in a new way this year. We came back to the apartment and were able to Skype with my stepdad Bob, and then also with everyone at our house in Little Rock (my mom, nathan's parents (in from KY), nathan's brother John (in from TX), and the kids/Jax and Jo.) I was so moved to see all the love surrounding our babies today. I know it may seem to go unnoticed by the kids but subconsciously they are comforted by their family today and that blesses us more than anything! We ate dinner at the apartment then made a run to the gas station down the street for some snacks. Now we are settling in, blessed by our day and all that it held.

Last night, b/c there was no Internet access from the apartment, I turned on the TV for the first time and got lost in the world of E! Entertainment. For the first time ever I saw who the Kardashians were, watched an episode of Jersey Shore (not the MTV one), and saw a program called Guilianna and Bill. I really could care less about any of it but it was a good escape from the bad day we had. Still no word about our ruling being typed up-its just ridiculous when we stop to think about it. So we try to distract ourselves and some days it works.

I must say that all of your encouragement and comments really do carry us during the times of drought. We know, trust and believe that Gods will and timing is perfect. We do NOT wish this concentrated time with Jaydn away. I think its just unnecessary some of the waiting that this government causes just b/c of laziness and lack of concern for whom their work effects. To them its a piece of paper, to us its our ticket home. Many here claim they understand our restlessness but culturally I don't think it is possible for them to relate. There is a slow mindset applied to everything here and by slow I don't mean patient or relaxed (like Hawaii's ALOHA spirit); I mean slow as in lazy and poor quality etc. But back to my point, your responses and comments are something we look forward to reading everyday so THANK YOU! When we are down, you remind us to keep looking up. When we start to focus on our smaller story, you share with us how this journey is effecting you and pointing you to THE bigger story and that helps us keep plugging along. God is using you to help energize us b/c as you can imagine, at times, this waiting gets tiring and frustrating. We are thankful for so much, including you! Enjoy your families today! God Bless!

Our Day and God's Timeline

2010-11-24T13:20:00.003-05:00

As I write this, I am sitting in the security office of our apartments because our internet is down in our room. There are guns all around me, which is oddly making me feel both secure and uneasy. Anyway, we have had a very frustrating/uneventful day today.

We have heard NOTHING all day. We literally sat in our apartment by the phone waiting...longing for it to ring with good news...or any news to be honest. Our social worker could not get a hold of our lawyer to get the ruling that we needed in paper form so that we could continue the process...and she also couldn't get a hold of the other lawyer that is working on our passports. They decided not to answer or return any messages today. I can't tell you how discouraging this was. If you remember being in 'love' when you were in middle school/high school, and waiting all night to receive that one phone call from that special person and them never calling...that is a fraction of what we felt today...minus the 'being in love' part. So again, we wait. We will miss Thanksgiving. My mom and dad are driving to AR to be with Bethany's mom and our kids for Thanksgiving tomorrow. My brother, from Tyler, TX, is also driving up to spend the day with them. They are going to our good friends, the McKean's, for Thanksgiving. While we long to be there with them, we are so thankful that our family will be surrounded with so much love during this holiday. Our hearts will be there with them.

I am so thankful for all of the encouraging messages on Facebook from many of you today! They have lifted our spirits much! My words can't describe enough how much YOUR words mean during this journey.

On a different note, I've been doing some investigative research of Jaydn's background and have put together a timeline of events that leading up to the collision between our family and our precious new daughter, Jaydn Priscilla. It is quite fascinating...so hold on:

GOD'S TIMELINE

Here is what I know:

God spoke to Bethany when she was 16 (15 years ago) and planted in her a calling to adopt, whether she knew it then or not.

God then led her, with her kicking and screaming the whole way I might add, to Nashville, where we meet, date and eventually get married.

God allows both of us to travel to Uganda, Africa in 2006 where, in His perfect timing, opens MY heart to the calling of adoption.

While we were there, God confirmed in our hearts that Uganda is the country we were suppose to adopt from.

At that time, Uganda was closed to adoption, so because we were so 'freshly' called, we hastily start contemplating proceeding with the adoption journey through Ethiopia, instead of Uganda.

God, because He had said, "UGANDA", halts the Ethiopia journey by allowing us to get pregnant with our daughter, Jovie. The rule stated that the youngest child in the family had to be at least 18 months old before you could adopt.

Six months after Jovie was born, Jaydn Priscilla was born on the other side of the world.

This is where God got creative: On February 19th, 2009, Jaydn Priscilla's mother made the decision that the next day would be the last day that she would ever see her daughter again. On that same evening (still the 19th), God decided to officially swing open the doors to Uganda and allow international adoptions. He had a plan the whole time...that even through the tragedy of a mother abandoning her child, His plan would be made perfect.

Fittingly, Jaydn Priscilla is placed in an orphange called An Open Door on February 21st, 2009. This orphanage was one of the only orphanges (out of MANY in UGANDA) that was working with HOLT International...the only adoption agency that the Ugandan government allows in their country.

In June, 2009, a friend of ours let us know about the 'pilot program' from HOLT. Jovie was 15 months old. We knew she would be 18 months before any adoption would be completed. It was then that we started our Journey to Jaydn.

17 months later, we are here in Africa with our daughter, Jaydn, that was meant to be ours since she was formed in her mother's womb.

God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good.

So while we wait...sometimes frustrated, tired or bored, we still have hope. Because the hope we have comes not from this world.

Love Runs Deeper Than Blood

I love you as is.

Being grafted together

Exercising Gratitude

A year ago today...

The journey begins-what I learned at ETC Part #4 (FINAL)

Correction- what I learned at ETC Part 3

Enter In- what I learned at ETC part 2

Foundations- what I learned at ETC part 1

Empowered to Connect

Would the real Jaydn please stand up?

Part 2- A love for Uganda

Mom's love for Uganda- part 1

This time last year

Small victories

Orphan Sunday is November 6th

Institutionalized children

There is a first time for everything

Jaydn's first words

Worth it

Secrets have power

Expectations

Adoption Depression- Part 3

Adoption Depression- Part 2

Adoption Depression- Part 1

Visible Sadness

Growing up too fast

Defining moments

What is a birthday?

Sand and Waves

A Song for Jaydn

Its been awhile

Let The Memories Begin

Reunited

Dedication Day

Hair adventures

God is so good...

Cause and effect

10 things I love about Jaydn

Attachment

Blackbirds and Doves

Not enough apples in Uganda...

breakthroughs

What works for us

Counting the cost

Hearts and Hands

earrings and parasites

The plumber is not your mommy

MLK looks different this year

First Snow

Another step in the journey

Sometimes I forget

Looking for normal

I want my room back

1st Christmas

Merry Christmas

FAQ's

Parenting Backwards

Too big to baby

Change of Plans

My love is different

Moved into action

31 days in the shoes of my daughter

Life with 3

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

Tell the story

HE DID IT!

A light at the end of the tunnel

Suffering followed by glory

Everything that can be will be shakenEverything that can be will be shakenAnd only You remainOnly You remainNo suffering for the moment Is pleasant but it brings forth The peaceful fruit of righteousness Jesus my righteousness

If our God is for us

Contemplating over coffee

To paint a rainbow...

God alone

Bittersweet

Making the most of it

Enhance the Blog Reading

Meet my goat

Tears of faith

A super size hope

Everything that can be will be shaken
Everything that can be will be shaken
And only You remain
Only You remain

No suffering for the moment
Is pleasant but it brings forth
The peaceful fruit of righteousness
Jesus my righteousness