1.03.2011

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget she is adopted. As we move through the flow of daily life I tend to forget that none of this is familiar to her. I don't know what will trigger her instincts or fears. I was reminded though while I was at the chiropractor. I had asked Jaxon to stay in the lobby area with the girls but he wanted to see me get adjusted which mean't they all came in. I sat them all down on a bench nearby and I laid down. As the DR started adjusting me all was silent. As he kept pressing down on my hips, with my face down, she broke. It was a fearful scream and cry that began to pour out of her and while the room around her scrambled my heart clicked into "mom of an adopted child" mode. I jumped off the table and got on her eye level and reassured her I was ok. I kept smiling and telling her, "Mommy is ok. Don't worry." The receptionist offered to hold her while I continued to be worked on but I waved her off. She didn't know the internal difference between Jaydn and my other children. Truth is, either do I. But I am learning. Forgetting, but being reminded again in moments like this. I don't know what made her worry. Was it that she couldn't see my face? Did she think he was hurting me? Did this remind her of something in her past? Who knows. After a few minutes I was able to calm her down and finish my adjustment. When I went to pick her up she strongly pulled away and then I realized she thought I was going to make her go next so I just grabbed her hand and led her out of the room to where she felt safe again. I picked her up and reassured her again that I was ok and got her laughing. In the car on the way home I just kept thinking how easy it is to forget. This won't be the last time I forget, but Im glad she reminds me. I need to be reminded that I can't play "the part" of a mommy but I really need to look for and dive into those fears and corners of her heart and allow God to shed His redemptive light there. My role as mommy in her life looks different. Today I was reminded of that.


1 comment:

Christina Seifert said...

Praying for you Bethany and thanking God Jaydn was placed into an amazing home!