The plumber is not your mommy

Well as we all know, transitions are a process and Jaydn is definitely transitioning. We have been in the middle of filing for our official adoption in the U.S. This was supposed to take 10 days but with all the snow and delays in getting certain paperwork to our lawyer, we have yet to find out our court date. (That feels strangely familiar.) At the same time we are setting up a developmental assessment appointment with a local children's clinic to see if there are any therapy's they recommend to help Jaydn adjust. We assume they will suggest speech therapy but we will see how she tests on occupational and physical as well.

After many conversations and observations, Nathan and I feel like Jaydn has come out of her orphanage life with the inability to really attach to anyone. First let me clarify, she will go to and love on everyone but she doesn't attach to anyone- there is a difference. Sure she likes me and prefers me to Nathan but if a plumber walked into our house right now and took her hand, she would walk out with him, jump in his car and go wherever he took her without complaint. This worries me more than a child who has fears and preferences b/c I have to teach her not to trust people. Isn't that awful to say!? We have to teach our daughter that the plumber is different then a neighbor, a friend, and most importantly her mommy and daddy. That's hard to do. As far as we know, she has no reason not to trust a person. Or worse, she has a very BIG reason not to trust people so she trusts no one. So daily I am trying to work through and think of ways I can teach her to trust the 4 other people in her family more than a friend or even a plumber. Did I mention that is hard? Well it is.

On the flip side, I was working on a photo book of our Africa pictures and it took me all the way back to the first day we met her. She looked so mad, would never look you in the eye and certainly never spoke to you. As the pictures go on you would start to see a smirk but mostly just a little girl timid, with her tongue out drooling all over the place. To see her now is like a whole different child. She is always smiling and tries to keep up with her sister and brother when it comes to talking/making noise (which is non-stop). She has come so far.

Basically I have to take those outward changes as inward ones. I pray everyday that she is happy here, that she isn't missing someone but can't find the words to tell me she is hurting. Everyday as I battle to teach her to trust me more than the plumber, I hope that she really believes, like I do, that she is exactly where she is meant to be: home.


Natasha said...

I can understand where you are coming from. Completely. But I can 100% say that I thanked God every day in Uganda when I saw those small steps you're little girl was taking and the positive changes in her development that her new family offered her. Adoption is certainly a journey and getting our kiddies into our homes is certainly not the biggest hurdle. I know you'll get there though and when you're little princess is older she'll understand she is showered in love and prayers x

The Raudenbush Family said...

Ask your doctors too if there are any attachment therapies in your area available. We did 10 sessions, I think it was, with attachment specialists from University of DE. They came out to our own house for it AND paid us to do it! It was part of a research study so I actually made some cash doing it--crazy! It was really helpful for us in dealing with exactly the kind of things you are talking about here. We had to teach our daughter some stranger anxiety and teach her to cry--she woudn't. The therapy was so helpful to her attachment as well as my own.

Kendra_Kendle said...

Time will help heal.

One thing that you wrote was "This worries me more than a child who has fears and preferences b/c I have to teach her not to trust people. Isn't that awful to say!?" Really we teach all our children not to trust certain people. We teach them about strangers, appropriate touching, who to get in a car with, etc. Jadyn simply hasn't been taught those things yet. She may have an attachment disorder, but she also just may not have attached completely to you yet. You have only been her mom (from her perspective) for 3 months - would you expect Jovie to attach to a new family of strangers in that time? Would she understand that they are her new family and other people are still just strangers?

Take heart! She seems to be doing great. :)

Amanda said...

The speech therapist that used to see Tye at our house has a helpful website, teachmetotalk.com, with free information and videos of what she does. It's pretty simple and probably full of stuff you're already doing. But I checked it out every now and then when Maryn was learning to talk. It reminds me to be silly and fun :)