Ok so I knew going into this that I needed to prepare myself for Jaydn to be older in age than she would be developmentally. They say to cut your "institutionalized" child's age in half which would make Jaydn, developmentally, a 1 year old even though she is 2 by age. After spending over a month with her, I think she is actually developmentally younger than one. Either that or she is going back to the days of infancy so that I can show her how she SHOULD have been held when she cried or how she SHOULD have been corrected when she disobeyed etc. Regardless there is one thing that I was NOT prepared for.
While I am willing to go with her to the emotional depths, physically I cannot do it. I believe that if she could be, she would want to be strapped to my side all day, like in one of those baby slings. She is at that stage of developmental and emotional need. Even though I don't like to foster clingy behavior, I know her need has greater purpose than that and I want to be able to meet her there. But I cannot carry her around or hold her as often or as long as she would like me to. Not b/c I am emotionally incapable but b/c I am physically unable. She is a BIG girl. She is 40+ lbs of dense weight. I am a strong person but I cannot add 40lbs to my daily activities and expect to keep up. As a result, I have been placing myself on the floor most of the day so that she can sit with me without knocking me over or killing my back.
Not only is she heavy/big, she is REALLY strong. When I correct her she looks like a tantruming 2 year old to the outside eye but she feels like a bucking 12 year old boy shoving and pulling me while I try to calm her down. I hate feeling like I am physically restraining her but if I don't try, I will have a bloody nose or a black eye from her flailing and head butting way of "handling" things. It doesn't happen often (thank goodness) but when it does....LOOK OUT!
Anyway, I just wanted to ask you guys, my prayer heroes, to add this to your list of petitions. Physically I have to parent in a whole new way and you should see the way Jax and Jo look at us when Jaydn and I are "at it." They can't believe she is so loud and violent and that mommy has to protect herself and them just in case it gets too out of hand. Please understand me, Jaydn is not trying to hurt me/us. Its just that because she is large, when she acts up it becomes very physical and potentially harmful. I am thankful that when she throws a fit she doesn't run away but runs to me but that also means I have to physically react to her when I can't connect to her emotionally yet. We both have a lot to learn.