God alone

First thing on the TO DO list was to call British Airways and find out where their Kampala office was located so we could visit and change our flights back home. They were scheduled for Sunday but without Jaydn's Visa, we are going no where. So I called the office and asked for directions but they told me we could change it over the phone. As I talked to the woman and asked how much it would cost to change things my phone cut out. Without any notice it ended my call with an automated voice saying, "call ended due to lack of funds." You see cell phones here are based on call cards- you buy time and it works until that runs out. I was so frustrated b/c the woman I was talking to had told me they wouldn't charge me b/c of our situation. So I was afraid I was going to lose my deal! I woke Nathan up and we made the trek to the mall to buy phone time. Of course we enjoyed breakfast at Cafe Java while we were there :) I called the BA office again and got another lady and she said my original helper was with a client. I re-explained our case and she agreed to help me too. So we were successful in changing our flights to Friday December 10th at 12:40am. This is really pushing things even though it sounds far away seeing that we don't even have a ruling in our hands yet and we are planning as if we have a Visa appointment scheduled next week. We are going to act in faith though that God will get us home next week. After a long chat over coffee we headed home and just hung out until we ran an errand to another media office building here in Kampala to get an internet stick working for our computer. Internet is touch and go here so we set ourselves up to have a steady connection. Then we just hung out at the apartment again until dinner time. We thought we would change things up a bit and try a new eatery down the street called SALSA'S. I love Mexican food and I was intrigued by the sign that advertised having "the best local Mexican food." HA! We are in Africa! What in the world could local Mexican food look like? Well we were disappointed to say the least to find that 1. they had nothing without meat in it (I am vegetarian) and were not willing to remove meat from items either 2. Everything Nathan tried to order was given the response, "It is finished," which means they didn't have any. So we opted to just get up and leave Salsa's and head to a nearby Italian place. Although it was kind of costly, it was a nice change of environment. We didn't get our ruling paperwork back today and we were so frustrated to hear that the judge hasn't signed any rulings in a few days b/c he doesn't feel like reading through them. Its stuff like this that just sends us into a spin.

As we ate tonight I confessed to Nathan that my prayer life is shaky these days. I keep asking you guys to pray for us b/c honestly, I feel guilty asking God to grant me anything. You see my greatest spiritual weakness is my inner strength. I am a "suck it up and do what you have to do" kind of person so my response to all this has been, "obviously God doesn't want this so just deal with it." Its hard for me to be broken. So when I am praying for our paperwork to be signed I spend most of my time talking to God about motives. Why am I praying for this? Is it b/c I want it or b/c I'm completely dependent on God for it? Technically its both, but my heart leans towards wanting it. I struggle with letting the load get so heavy that I hand it over. Instead I just pull up my sleeves, put my back into it and keep on trucking. I'm scared to think that God will not grant my prayer request until I am empty. I'm scared of what kind of load it would take to break me. Anyway, in the midst of all this transparency I know that my faith is in tact. I believe wholeheartedly that God is true to His character regardless of the circumstances in my life and I pray that my foundation in that is what is really catching me with every fall, not my own strength and will. I'm not even sure if this makes sense to any of you but just know that I am in conversation with God about what this process reflects about the needs in my own personal spiritual growth.

So my prayer is more along the lines of God showing off and receiving all the glory. Not just to all of you who are reading our story but in my own heart. May I not walk away from this journey and ever think for a second that I made it by any strength of my own. So while you pray that we will be brought home next week, I will be praying that I am dependent on Him alone. Together, our prayers could move mountains.


Jennifer said...

I am frustrated with you and praying Dec 10th is the day! I totally get where you are at and appreciate your transparency...beautiful post! Love you guys!

Amanda said...

I think I know what you mean. I try to figure out why God isn't granting my wishes sometimes, like maybe he just wants me to learn patience, he obviously wants me to be stronger, he wants this or that or whatever. I mean now that I think about it, why do I bother trying to figure out what God is thinking? I mean, who can know? Our pastor's Thanksgiving sermon was convicting. He talked about how we must be thankful for our blessings and our losses. We lost two special people in our families this year. How can we be thankful? I think back to that Bible study we did, and how we talked about God's sovereignty. Do I really believe He is sovereign? If I did, would I constantly be trying to guess his next move? Life isn't a chess match with God as our opponent. When I am at my lowest, I see myself curled up on my little chess square wanting to die. If only I could see (and really understand) there is a bigger picture, He has already won. It's these times that I realize, maybe I don't truly fathom what Jesus did for me. But then, who does? And who can?

Well, I don't know if any of that made sense. Just my thinking out loud. I hope my rambling kept you busy for a minute or two.