Tears of faith

7:30am....the phone rings....8am....the phone rings, neither of which gives us any news regarding the adoption. Jaydn and I got up and then Nathan suggested we head to Cafe Java for some morning grub. So we walked the walk we take everyday and I enjoyed a chocolate croissant with a Chai and Nathan got pancakes and coffee. Jaydn munched off of both even though she had eaten at the apartment before we left. We traveled to the other "mall" where Nathan allowed me some time alone to peruse the bookstore while he entertained our munchkin. He actually ran into the UK family we spent the day with on SAT at ARA so we swapped contact info and planned to meet up with them again at their house some time this week. I am looking forward to it b/c they are doing some great work here and I feel compelled to do what I can on the American side as well. From then on the good mood for the day slipped away. Jaydn was a pistol on the walk home. She expects us to carry her the entire time every time and that is just not always possible. We got home and put her down for a nap which she obviously needed but was determined to fight. Finally she gave in. During the hours she slept we received the news that the US Embassy person in charge of Visa's was out of town for the week. So even if we got the paperwork we needed, there would be no chance of getting a Visa appointment this week. Our hopes were dashed to be home by the weekend. I had told Nathan earlier today that up to this point I was doing ok but that if things continued to go badly, my emotions were on the edge of my skin and I would either scream or cry at the next bout of bad news. So when I heard the news this afternoon about the Visa I was pissed. I know God's timing is perfect and He has this all worked out but it still sucks. I believe God is ok with me feeling that way too. It doesn't negate my faith or give doubt a foothold in my life, its just what I am experiencing and I know God desires honesty more than hypocrisy from me so there it is- raw and real. I managed to hold back any overt emotions but inside I was stewing. Jaydn woke up from her nap and we played around until our Skype phone rang and Nathan started talking to my mom. In the moment I heard my mommys voice, the tears started to come. I tried to choke them in but I knew I could not come to the computer and see her or I would lose it. Then Nathan said, "Do you want to talk to your daughter." Inside I was screaming "NO!" But of course I got up and made my way over. Before I even sat down the floodgate opened and I was a blubbering mess. I kept apologizing to my mom but honestly this was the first time I was allowing myself to feel anything. This instinctive response to my mom on a computer made me value our relationship even more than ever before. How is it that I can keep it together for my kids, my husband and everyone else but become a puddle when I am in front of my mom? I know its b/c I feel safe with her. Not that I don't feel safe with the other people in my life but my mom has always been my caregiver. Long before I had little girls of my own, I was her little girl and I could always cry on her shoulder. She has a specialness in my life- a place of my heart that can always be exposed to her b/c she has proven over and over again she will love me through everything I experience in life. It prompted me to pray and ask God to help me build that sense of vulnerability and trust with my girls too over the course of their lives. I am so blessed. As I was weeping, our driver arrived to take us to dinner with our friends Natasha and Deborah. They found out they were going to have to wait longer than expected for their Visa today so we were all in bum moods and needed to get out and be distracted by company. Nathan and Jaydn made their way to the car while I said goodbye to my mom and I tried to gather myself before greeting our friends. I am an ugly cryer so there was nothing I could do about my red face and bloodshot eyes but at least my cheeks were dry :) We traveled into town and ate at place called Sam's. They had crocodile on the menu but I opted for a black lentil dish with spices and a side of cheese Naan bread. It was Yum! As always our conversations were great and we just love having these precious people to share these struggles with. I broke out the glow bracelets and gave them to the girls and they were fascinated by them all the way back to our "Ugandan homes." I forgot to mention that our social worker Dorah called us on the way to dinner and despite the fact that she sat in his courtroom all day, the judge didn't sign our paperwork. I guess he looked at it late in the day and found an error and made the secretary retype it again. Dorah is hopeful he will sign it tomorrow, but let's just say Im not holding my breath but will be happy if he does. We got to Skype with Jax and Jo this evening and mom shared with us that Jaxon asked her if daddy would still play with him when he got home. Nathan talked to him intentionally and assured him that he was still our favorite little boy to play with. We want to hug them so much! Im sure a few weeks after being home we will go back to complaining about life with 3 kids but I much prefer a life with all three than life with 1 or just the other 2. We want all 3 and in 1 place. Another aspect of our anxiousness to be home is that home is new to us now. We only lived in Little Rock for 2 weeks before we left and despite how together our home is, we are not settled in to life there yet. We want to dive into ministry with those people and are anxious to partner with that community to grow the Kingdom. We want our kids to know what life is like at a new school and church WITH mommy and daddy more than they know life there without us. We have officially lived in Uganda longer than we have lived in Arkansas-weird. Tomorrow marks the 3 week milestone and obviously we are frustrated that we are no where close to coming home than we were 2 weeks ago.

We do have something very exciting to look forward to tomorrow though! We are traveling (4 hrs one way) to Busia to meet the girl we sponsor through Compassion International. We have been writing letters back and forth saying we would see her one day and finally, the day is here. They tell us we will meet her at the Compassion project she attends then see her home and meet her family then all go to lunch. We will head back to Kampala in the late afternoon and get home in time for bed! I can't wait to see Akinyii Esther tomorrow. Thankful it has worked out for us to be able to be with her.

Please hear me when I say we are not hopeless in Uganda. But even if I tried to articulate for you what it feels like to be in our shoes, it simply isn't possible for you to fully understand. But we still believe God is God and God is Good. Our faith has not been shaken but we are frustrated and annoyed. I'm pretty sure God is frustrated and annoyed too so for now we will take comfort in that. There is plenty of room for tears in my faith.


Sam said...

can completely understand your frustration, it must be so so hard being away from Jaxon and Jovie and not knowing how long it will last. Praying for speed!
Much love,
Gemma xxx

Amanda said...

Ah! Yes, I totally agree it's okay to be angry and admit that you feel that way. Who wouldn't be? I'm getting upset just reading about it. Goodness gracious. But it's soooo weird that just a few weeks ago we were all desperately praying for you to hold Jaydn in your arms, and now we're desperately praying you'll be holding Jovie and Jaxon in your arms soon. Very soon. God brought you Jaydn and He will bring you home!

whittakerwoman said...

You are the best mama! Love watching you be that! H

plumie said...

Hang in there. It will be over soon and you will begin your new lives in Arkansas fully. IN the meantime praying for you all in both countries to make the best of each day and find what God has you there for... one day at a time till you are on that plane home!

Jack said...

We are praying for God to move.

Lyndsay Taylor said...

You guys are precious. I am sorry things aren't going as smooth as we would like. When things like this happened in our process, it seemed like everyone else's around us was going fast and perfect, and that was so hard! But God is so at work. There are greater things happening in this than we can see, both in your understanding of faith (which is a worthy cause always) and other things we can't see.
I encourage you to keep bringing Him a sacrifice of praise, and I will be praying the enemy's territory in these matters will shrink in Jesus' name. The Lord is only ALLOWING him this territory for a time...He still is in control!!! Love and prayers- Lyndsay