Forward motion

Its been a while since I've updated everyone on our journey with Jaydn. Part of that is because we have made a lot of transitions lately (moved, new job, started school, having another baby etc) so its been busy. Another reason is honestly because progress is hard to see when we are standing up close. In so many areas we feel like we have gone nowhere while in others we can see sure steps of forward motion.

Moving back to FL has almost been like a "start over" in some of Jaydn's adjustment. She adapts so easily to new environments so that isn't what Im referring to. However the resources for her whole development were not available in AR so now we are getting her caught up with vaccinations we weren't told about, evaluations she has always needed, and getting professional advice that sits more peacefully in our hearts. Its as if someone is hearing us and our observations clearly for the first time. We knew there had to be more to it all than what others were advising us when we lived in AR. Here in FL we are getting a lot of gaps filled in and starting on paths we wanted to pursue 2 years ago! So its both frustrating to think of all the time that was wasted and also hope giving to be in this stage where even more progress is possible. Here is a basic rundown of where we are now:

Progress:
1. Jaydn's social skills have really improved. Our new environment has been so respectful of our unique challenges with Jaydn and they have worked with us to help her learn the proper steps of meeting a stranger, not seeking physical attention instantly, and interacting with peers more than adults.
2. Jaydn's communication is better but not complete. She is at the stage where we (and a few other people) can understand one or two of her words and can piece together what she means to say. Its similar to a baby who starts to babble and mom and dad can interpret their mumblings to others b/c they have heard it more than anyone else. She talks in sentences and will go on and on but we can't stay with her long b/c of the many gaps in her articulation and missing words that would complete her thought.
3. Jaydn started school this fall. She began at our church VPK program which was the perfect starting block for her to receive instruction from someone other than me but also learn that her teacher was not her mother. They work so well with us on healthy interaction with Jay and reserving special attention for us her parents. In partnership to that class setting, I would take her to speech therapy twice a week at a nearby elementary school. They quickly noticed that 90 minutes a week was not enough to provide Jaydn the help she needed. So just a few days ago she was approved to be enrolled in their full time program where she is integrated with other developmentally delayed preschoolers and led by teachers specializing in whole child therapies while receiving education appropriate to her understanding. We are really excited about this recent development and have high hopes for its long term impact.
4. Jaydn can do a lot of things like a 4 year old (ie buckle her seat belt, get dressed, wash her hands etc). She loves learning how to do something new and enjoys feeling independent.
5. She doesn't require constant physical attention anymore but when she gets it, she becomes very clingy very fast so we are still working on helping her feel secure and fully loved without having to carry her around everywhere.


Prayer requests:
1. Attachment is still difficult between Jaydn and family members. She doesn't connect at a deep level so most of the time we feel like we are all just functioning as a family rather than really feeling like one.  We are hoping that as communication increases and her understanding deepens we will be able to pursue a more palatable relationship with her as well.
2. Jaydn is very "black and white." By that I mean you can't tell her to stay in her bed at night for sleeping without her thinking that means she cannot get up to go to the bathroom if she needs to. Despite our explanations of that exception, she will either wet the bed or cry her head off in the middle of the night until we come in and take her into the bathroom. Another example is that sometimes we send her to her room as a consequence of some poor behavior but sometimes we ask her to stay in her room and play until we say she can come out (IE if she wakes up too early in the morning or we need the kids to take a break from each other). But no matter what, she assumes that she is in trouble and throws a fit. She cannot differentiate circumstances at all. Last example: yesterday we were playing outside in the cooler weather and she started coughing so I told her to sit down and take a break b/c I didn't want her to get more sick. She interprets that as being in trouble b/c Im asking her to stop playing and sit down so she went into melt down mode. I tried to explain that I was trying to help her stay healthy but she can't comprehend that. Its difficult when you can't communicate the differences of situations to her b/c of her lack of understanding at this point.
3. Jaydn's speech is likely effected by the structure of her lower jaw jetting out so far and the constant intrusion of her tongue so some medical professionals are projecting she will need a jaw surgery in the future which typically takes place during the teen years. Until then we can only work with what structure her mouth has now and try to improve her articulation as best as possible.
4. Jaydn still catches a cold about every 2-3 weeks and while they are rarely cause for concern, she has a very loud and gagging like cough tendency which can be a hinderance to sleep for everyone.

Here are a few of Jaydn's favorite things: books, baby dolls, cars, playing puppy or baby, bubbles, swimming, food, watching a TV show or movie, doing back flips off the couch, washing her hands, riding bikes, and laughing.

Jaydn is not an orphan

Jaxon and Jovie have never known me as anything different than a "suck it up" kind of mom. Yet when Jaydn came along I made a huge effort to be a real softy even though it hurt, a lot, and I got really worn out. As time has distanced us from her past I made a shift and had expected others to follow along. Jaydn has a family, a loving home and all that a child needs to thrive. Yet for some reason people still act as if they need to give her extra attention or allow for certain behaviors they would never normally be okay with because, well, you know, she's... 

I know I sound like a crazy woman but think about it: if you are lighting up like a Christmas tree at the sight of my youngest daughter but hardly notice my other two, why is that?! If you let Jaydn climb all over you while you sit on the couch trying to exchange a sentence with me but would be annoyed if anyone else's 3 year old mistook you for a jungle gym, why the sudden acceptance of such behavior? If you are asking for a hug from Jaydn and not the other two kids standing in front of you, how might that make them as spectators feel?

I whole-heartedly believe that no one comes into our home or interacts with our family with this mindset intentionally but allow me to explain a few of the results for us as a family.

1. Attachment with Jaydn has been opposite than most cases you hear about. Jay goes to where the attention is. So anytime you make her stand out and into the spot light against her siblings, she would rather walk off with you than stay around me, her mom who has to share attention equally. Of course we make moments where each child is celebrated individually but its intentional and purposeful for the sake of ALL our children. 

2. Jaxon and Jovie see people draw Jaydn out from our family and it causes some tension that often results in increased control of their baby sister at home. Almost like an "everyone else may think you need more attention but I will put you in your place" attitude. I watch those two as they see the focus shift to Jaydn so often in public and it breaks my heart. 

3. Ultimately it is no ones job to bring healing to our daughter's past but God's through us, her parents. We are called to give her the needed attention and extra effort that she needs. Until she has established a bond to us and us to her, this act of meeting her needs can only come from Nathan and I. 

Please understand that I am not asking for anyone to ignore Jaydn. I would just like for people to acknowledge if there is a draw to Jaydn more than the other two Gaddis kids and if so, ask why. If it is for any other reason than she and you click in personality, then please attempt to balance out the attention. It does more harm than good to our family to show favortism to our youngest child because of her past rather than calling her into her present and future that is so full of love from those of us in her home. 

Maybe this is me and my lack of compassion but I expect Jaydn to grow in her home environment. I really must stress to the world that JAYDN ISN'T AN ORPHAN. She is my daughter and the more we all treat her based on her past instead of her present, the harder it is for her to move past the manipulation and attention seeking nature that she used in the past. Our desire is to teach her healthy social interaction for her age, the art of meeting a stranger, a respect for personal space, attachment to family members, how to take time to get to know someone new before you introduce physical touch etc. All of these things take effort on our behalf and understanding from those around us.

I have seen some major steps forward in Jaydn regarding this stuff when others interact with her in a healthy way. We were at a large gathering and someone came up and said hello to Jay without reaching for her at all. She didn't respond until the person said their name. Then she turned to me and said, "I don't know (insert name)." I said, "you are right Jaydn! You don't know (insert name). Would you like to meet her?" Then she turned around and shook hands with the person while exchanging names and then she ran off. I was so proud.

In another instance someone asked Jadyn for a hug and she turned to me with a look that basically asked if it was ok. While I would have preferred this person not to have asked, I wanted to encourage the response from Jaydn and said it was ok. When she tried to stay with this person I gently removed her and gave her a hug of my own telling her that I loved her.

So you can see that progress is possible if we all work together to create a healthy environment for every child. Even if you know Nathan and I really well, you may not know our kids. Or you may know one or two but not all of them. So when you meet the others, help us teach them healthy interactions by following our lead and trusting that we know what is best for our kids based on their personality, not their past.

Update

Im sorry I have not been blogging very regularly. Truth is I have become part of the WAGI (We Are Grafted In) team and any time that I would have normally used to blog on my own sites, has become time to research other blogs for posts that will encourage and equip other families through the WAGI audience.

But I did want to update our little e-adoption community and say that our family is headed into another season of major transitions. We are moving to FL in a few weeks as my husband has been offered a new ministry position out there that we are really excited about. With that alone brings a lot of changes to our routine which is critical in Jaydn's attachment process. The community in FL isn't as racially diverse but there is a better adoption support system out there. I've heard there are many families with Ugandan children in our area and I am anxious to become a part of the support group there!

Another benefit of where we will be living is there is an International Adoption Clinic nearby that I can go to as a resource for Jaydn's development. I am hoping that the speech therapy program will be more specific to her needs as well. Her speech needs are not being addressed as well as they have needed to be and Im sure the southern accent isn't helping the articulation process either. I look forward to finding someone that specializes in cases like hers and can give her the individual therapy that she needs to develop her speech more clearly. It doesn't seem to be a frustration to her but it causes a lot of difficulty for us to be able to connect relationally when we can't communicate well.

Moving is just one of the upcoming changes to our family but its a big one so please consider praying for us as we attempt to establish our new life in FL. Thank you ahead of time!

Sibling Love

We expected that the adjustment of adopting Jaydn would be much like adding any child to a family: some displacement jealousy, especially with Jovie, but not a whole lot else. Looking back, we were both right and wrong.

When Jay came home Jovie shifted from the baby to the middle child. She didn't get to "transition" into the older sibling role since Jaydn is only 4.5 months younger than she is. Instantly Jovie had an equal. She had to start sharing her room, toys, clothes, brother, mom and dad, car seat, sippy cups you name it! For the first year or so it was REALLY hard. It was a wild combination of the stage Jo was in at the time, her personality, all the transitions we had at the same time (moving 2x, starting school for the first time, adding to the family, job change for Nathan, me going to work for a time etc). There were days I didn't know if it would ever get easier. But Jovie has taken on her big sister role like a champ now. Sometimes she turns into more of a bossy mom and she does get frustrated with communication or Jaydn not understanding instructions but the love is there as a base in all that she does. One of my favorite things to see is when Jaydn is waking up from a nap and I can't get to her quickly, I often send Jo to the room and with gentleness and nurture she helps transition Jay from sleep to life again. They love to hold hands when they walk up the stairs together and play dress up or dolls as little girls often do.

I will never forget the afternoon we took the girls to Chick Fil A as a celebration lunch for Jovie's birthday. They were in the playground area being silly and crazy as always when they were joined by two  boys. The 4 interacted well for about 10 minutes until I could tell through the glass that Jovie was reprimanding one of the boys then scampered off. Apparently he didn't heed to her words because moments later she was pushing the door 4x her size out of the way to get to me as soon as she was able. She explained to me that the older boy was picking on Jaydn and would scream and then run away every time she came around and that she didn't like it. I looked inside and Jaydn was completely oblivious to the implications of this teasing and just kept playing around while the boy fearfully looked through at Jovie ratting him out. I calmly walked into the play area, got the attention of the boys and said, "My daughter would appreciate it if you would treat her sister with respect from now on while you play. Can you do that?" With a shy but sure voice the boy said, "Yes, ma'am." I walked away so proud of Jovie and inwardly celebrating the fact that she had developed that protective sibling feeling toward Jaydn all in her own time.

Similarly Jaxon has honored his baby sister in the way he handles the more difficult questions from his environment regarding race and his family. One particular friend of his is quite the racist and frequently he and Jax will have heated conversations about it. Each time it happens Jaxon responds with more wisdom than I could teach him in 7 years. The first time, his friend was explaining why he wasn't inviting certain classmates to his birthday party because they were black and they weren't allowed at his house. Without skipping a beat Jax replied with, "I feel bad for you because you are missing out! Some of my favorite people are brown." Many times he has come home so heartbroken that his friend is so misguided.

As part of a school project Jaxon had to come up with 5 special events from his life that he would have to write a report about. Although they are still working on that assignment at school, 2 of the events he chose to write in depth about were when Jovie was born and the day Jaydn came home. I swelled up with joy realizing that Jaxon views both those events as great things that have happened in his life. What a gift.

While Jaxon and Jaydn don't often have time alone together to develop their unique bond as brother and sister, he is quick to include her in everything and makes sure she doesn't get left behind (unless he is mad and wants to make her cry- ah the joy of brothers). Though I have to laugh when at dinner as Jaydn is scarfing her food down as always Jaxon calls out to her, "Slow down! We aren't going to take your food. You are safe."

In looking back I can see how Nathan and I have grown as parents through the challenges. I can also glimpse some of the reasons why God might have allowed these challenges to touch all our children as well. It could be that in the future they might need some extra compassion for the struggles of others or a better understanding of how grieving and trauma affects people. It could be that the extra patience they develop through all of this may help them with their own kids. Often God grows us spiritually through difficulty so I will trust that this adventure He led us on will be one that will benefit every member of our family.

More than a mission trip

In my dream, I am a missionary. I live in an African hut with many Ugandan children calling out "mommy" and reaching their hands up towards me. Much like a page from the KISSES FROM KATIE story, I serve the needs of the people around me 24/7 without grumbling or complaint, simply with gratitude for being in the right place at the right time. The sick, the lonely, the hungry and frail come to me to act on their behalf, as the hands and feet of Jesus in their lives. Its a beautiful dream.

If you have ever been on a missions trip you too have tasted a piece of my beautiful dream. You have made the effort to step out of your comfort zone and go to a place so different from anything you have ever experienced before. You have paused your life temporarily to go and meet the needs of others. You are focused completely on the "other" and spend your days doing anything necessary for people to experience Jesus' in whatever form He chooses to be seen. You work tirelessly and joyfully, no matter the cost, because "they" are worth it.

I have been on a few trips like these myself and I recall that in conversations leading up to the one's I've taken, people tend to perceive goers as heroes of sorts. What an "admirable" thing you are doing, how "selfless" you are, and praise God you have the faith to make such a "sacrificial" decision, are just some of the things they might say. Whether we admit it or not, we often take those things in and start to believe them. We chalk the trip up to the "faith with deeds" category of our spiritual lives and start to feel proud of ourselves. We travel and serve with a sense of "us" coming to help "them" and that makes us feel good.

Typically we walk away from missions trip moments burdened by the tension between gratitude for being there and a desire to do more. But leave we must. The mission trip is over. So we return home, to our lives, to our families, and to our comfort zones just as they were before.

While it's not healthy to walk through a mission trip scenario with attitudes and mindsets such as these, it is downright dangerous to carry them over into the area of adoption. One of the biggest hurdles in adoption is defining and recognizing expectations: of the process, of the child and of the family.

For example: the last thing families need to be told during their journey is they are heroic or some breed of "Super Christian" for adopting. Statements like these set parents up on a pedestal they are sure to fall from. When they do fall, they become buried under a pile of guilt for not living up to those expectations. There is nothing commanded of adoptive families that isn't expected from all Christ-followers:

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. - James 1:27

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6

[Please do not misinterpret what I am saying here: I do NOT think every Christian is called to adopt. I DO believe every Christian is called to "look after orphans and widows in their distress." What that looks like is based on personal revelation.]

Seeing parents as spiritual heroes for becoming an adoptive family insinuates they have achieved this role through extraordinary faith. Honestly, adopting parents feel more like they are border-lining insanity more than the sainthood others are projecting toward them. People who adopt are simply trusting that what God told them to do on behalf of the orphan is something He will provide the faith for in the follow through. That doesn't make them special just obedient. Every Christian has their opportunities to choose trust over understanding and ability- what they do and where that takes them are what varies.

When our thoughts portray parents who adopt as heroes, we also transpose the expectation of gratefulness on behalf of the child. We assume the former orphan will be busting with "Thank Yous" and "I love yous" when they are placed in a family but that's not always the case. In fact, its rarely the case at all which can lead to another post-adoption let down. Children that have been adopted, no matter what age, experience a huge amount of loss. Everything they know, would have known, experiences they had or would have, a culture and people they were a part of are now gone. We must understand the story of a child from hard places doesn't begin at adoption no more than my life began when I got married- I changed my last name, was grafted into a new family etc. There is an even longer story to who I am that began long before the day I became a Gaddis and the same is true for my daughter.

Another way the missions trip mind set can injure adoptive families is believing that "we" are coming to help "them." Just the fact the people involved are separated into different categories is toxic. I've heard it said before, "The ground at the foot of the cross is level" and I believe it means no one is better than another. No matter the circumstances, Jesus sees us all as equals. With words like "rescue", "save"and "spare" attached to adoption, we imply that humans have taken on a messiah-like role in a child's life. But the Truth is, God alone is the Redeemer and Restorer of life. I did not rescue my daughter- Jesus rescued us both through the cross!

Taking time away from your life for a mission trip is a great way to shift your focus from self to others temporarily. Adoption is more like a merging of those two realities. Its similar to when The Biggest Loser contestants return home after being on "The Ranch" for a long period of time and they can't establish a balance between their weight loss goals and their real life. Adoptive families train themselves up with a lot of head knowledge on how to intentionally parent children from hard places. We typically have the tools in our belt long before we ever have to use them. In my case we made the trip to Africa and were able to implement those learnings right away. A month or so later we returned to the U.S. and the rest of our "comfortable" life. That's when the tension I mentioned before sets in: grateful for the time, wishing we could do more, but the mission trip is over.

It is tremendously difficult to continue to focus on the intentional parenting techniques and making the time/ having the energy to enter into the distress of a child while also being fully present to other kids in the home, a spouse, a job, maintaining the home, going to DR appointments etc etc etc. Adoptive families struggle to zero in on the newly home child as the only need when life is pulling them in many directions.

We cannot continue to have a mission trip mentality when approaching adoption. Its a journey, a process, a marathon if you will. Yet sometimes those expectations, standards, attitudes and phrasings creep into adoption and cause more harm than help to families.

My dream is beautiful but in reality I am a mom. I live in a southern american style home with three children calling out "mommy" and reaching their hands up towards me. Much like a page from the Bible, I am trying my best to serve the needs of the people around me 24/7, sometimes grumbling but always grateful when I occasionally find myself in the right place at the right time. The sick, the lonely, the hungry and frail little ones that bear my last name come to me to act on their behalf, as the hands and feet of Jesus in their lives. Its a beautiful reality.

Love is a battlefield

Not long ago a pastor was praying over Nathan and I when he uttered words along these lines: "Satan doesn't want this family to succeed so God be their anchor as he attacks them." It was right then and there that I truly understood what a war zone our entire family had just entered. I always "knew" it would be hard to adopt a child, that there would be days I would get overwhelmed or the kids wouldn't get along, and days when progress would feel limited, but it was in that moment I became aware that being under attack was going to be a permanent part of our story.

You see, for the first 2 and a half years of my daughters life Satan believed he had gotten the upper hand. She was abandoned, alone, unloved, purposeless, insecure, unattached etc. He celebrated every hurdle placed in her life and laughed when she was unable to lift herself over each obstacle in order to run the race set out before her. He took pleasure in watching her build up walls around her heart and develop techniques that would serve her well in the dog eat dog world she was living in. But God had a plan for our daughter too. As Satan whet his appetite for her ultimate demise, God began a story line that would bring redemption and victory to her soul.

When we said, "yes!" to God's call to adopt we enlisted each member of our family in the bloodiest war imaginable. Many had fallen in defeat on the very ground we were stepping into battle on. But many had found victory on this path as well. With each step taken toward our forever family we were being ushered onto the front lines of a spiritual battle I had only read about prior to now:

For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. - Ephesians 6:12

War torn and battle scarred, my daughter had been fighting this battle her whole life but she was no longer going to be fighting it alone. Now we are all in the war.

Some days I get so tired from the fight that my passion becomes misdirected and I start fighting with or against my daughter instead of fighting for her. I become an adversary instead of her advocate. But graciously God offers me insight into my weary misfires and I am able to re-calibrate our troops and start to gain some ground again. Still, the Enemy is ruthless.

So as we, together as a family, enter into the war zone of adoption on a daily basis and struggle to lift Jaydn over the hurdles of her past and encourage her to venture away from the walls around her heart toward wholeness and healing, I cling to the Truth found in Romans 8:

If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who shall separate us from the the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:31-39

So Satan...hit us with your best shot! I may lose focus from time to time but Im in this war for the long haul and I have read the back of the book and know how the story ends- God wins. You got nothing on Love.

I love you as is.

When I started dating Nathan I knew the central truth that if I didn't love him exactly as he was right at that moment then I shouldn't marry him based on how I could change him. Of course time would change him in some ways but it wasn't going to be because I catered him to my desires. Well God blessed me with a man I did love as is and we later married.

I was reminded of this foundational piece of our marriage the other night as I was ranting and raving about how little progress I felt we were having with Jaydn. Sure there are some steps forward but not the ones I needed. In my fit of frustration I found myself revealing the true nature of my desire- change. I wanted Jaydn to change. It hurts to even see myself type that let alone admit it to all of you. But here I was saying that I wanted to seek healing for Jaydn and for her to be whole, but when it comes down to it the destination of the path I have been on was to change her. But that's not love.

Love doesn't come in the form of wanting to change the other person all the time- its meeting them where they are and staying there unless they decide to go elsewhere. Even their choice to move may not be in the direction you would want but a commitment to love that person means going with them there anyway.

What if Jaydn never stops chewing on her tongue? What if she never stops trying to manipulate people and situations? What if she never starts understanding the meaning of words and not just what they sound like? What if she always gets out of her bed in the middle of the night and wakes up her sister? Etc. Where will my love be then? Over and over again you hear about how love is a choice and this relationship is no different- I have to CHOOSE love regardless of whether anything changes.

As I was making this self discovery, I had a mental flash of the words I etched onto my living room wall that I adapted from the book Captivating by Staci Eldridge. It says, "May you find here the grace to be and the room to become." Like a dagger to my heart those words dredged up in me my deepest desire to love others as they are. That philosophy applies to strangers, friends and yes Bethany, even to your children.